Merry?

Not even 24 hours later.
It happens.

------

I know I sound like the devil when I say this, but I hate Christmas. I can't stand holiday music or the obsessive amount of time people spend shopping in malls. Regardless of the time of year, people are still assholes and families still fight. I wish people were more respectful of other who don't happen to like the Christmas season. Granted, my feelings are highly do to my poverty level and clusterfuck of a family, but I think my sentiments have more to do with the 'fakeness' associated with the holiday. I find that people pretend most when its the Christmas season. Majority of the people who celebrate the holiday don't even believe in Jesus... seems ironic/fake. I completely understand how bitter I sound, I just can't be happy this time of year.

And He Replied Yes

What do you do when you find out your ex, who you had dated on and off for maybe two years/been in an abnormal 'friendship' with for the last year, actually loved you? I don't think I can best explain our situation for those of you who have no idea who Ern is, but needless to say, I had NEVER heard him mumble those words, or anything remotely like them before. I asked him tonight if he ever loved me, and he replied yes.

To give further detail into this conversation, Ern and I had met up last night to catch up on our current life happenings. Recently, these 'catch ups' usually result in either of us in tears. His current relationship status isn't as fulfilling as he wishes it to be, and although I am happy in my situation, I still find difficulty in shaking off Ern. Point is, last night he had to conceal our 'catch up' meeting to his girlfriend, leaving our time short and fleeting. As we were getting into the nitty gritty of our predicament, he had to leave....again.

His fleeing the scene of our crime cause an uproar of emotions for me. At first I was very upset, pissed that I only had 30 minutes with Ern. My next emotion was anger, anger at this whore of a girl who believes herself to be his next best wonder. My last and current emotion is that of exhaustion. I was sick of constantly being walked away from.

So tonight I called him to announce my final decision... to discontinue all forms of contact with him. I would do this in order to withhold jeopardizing his relationship with his girlfriend, and my current interest in CG. Ern has been my rock when shit would hit the fan, and I would be his rock when things just didn't seem right. This would also allow me to not have to suffer the good-byes anymore. Anytime Ern has ever walked away from me, I've been left in shambles. I don't think he could ever understand the pain of watching him turn his back on me. I've experienced this so many times, so I wanted to tell him I'm done, for good.

Instead, we got into this huge exchange of emotions, where tears were shed on both sides. I told him that in order to understand what I have been going through, he's going to have to watch me walk away... or as he puts it, break up with him. In the final midst of all these exchanges, I then asked if he ever loved me.

Not always the best idea.

When he said yes, I was in shock. But this shocked feeling wasn't necessarily good. I always thought that when Ern said 'I love you,' or something like it, I would suddenly be graced with an infinite amount of happiness. The thing is, that didn't happen at all. Instead, I felt sad. I felt like such a waste of time. I almost felt like this was the biggest crock of shit I had ever heard, because while he's mentioning some kind of love for me, he is still in a relationship with that girl. I just don't understand why you would be with someone, when you know exactly how you feel about someone else. If anything, when he said yes, he confused the hell out of me.

I'm not angry with his words and I'm not exactly frustrated with his stance, but some part of me just isn't happy with this information. Yes because of everything I mentioned above, but also because it all felt forced. I think he realized he was loosing me, thus prompting him to mention his love for me. For the last three years I have been waiting for that simple truth, and now I'm not sure exactly what I feel.

In spite of these new revelations, my decision remains firm. I am disconnecting completely from Ern. No longer will he be able to contact me and keep up with my happenings through here, Facebook, etc... I want to remain distant in order to allow for my growth, as well as potential understanding on his part. Do I have hope or wishes for a future between us? Not entirely. But if ever we were to ever find ourselves at a common crossroad in the future, I would then hope for him to appreciate the present, and to love me simply because he loves me.

Fuck California

Okay, fuck the days thing. I hate being restricted, and I really did not want to continue on with the blog day thing.
I'm upset. CG called me tonight when he was on his way to one of his friend's houses, but I was at Cindy's for her son's birthday party. Thus, we were only able to talk for about 10 minutes. He and I also couldn't talk last night because Ashley stayed over my house.
What got me upset tonight was something he said to me while we briefly talked. He said that he feels 'disconnected' from me because we haven't talked in a couple of days. Normally we talk for an hour or two a night, so I can understand why he feels that way. I'm more upset about our situation.
It just reminds me of how difficult this might actually become, and how shitty it is to live 2500 miles away from the one person you would most like to be with. I hate the distance. I hate that we don't have the opportunity to evolve as a normal couple. I can't enjoy dinner with him, meet his friends, kiss him good morning as often as we would wish. We're so limited.

Day 3

Day 3 - Your Parents

Okay, so whoever designed this clearly didn't think about the complications tied to who you consider your parents to be, especially coming from a divorced household. Thus, I will slightly change this to specifically write to my mom.

Momma,
My greatest fear is loosing you. Often times I get struck with the worst kind of anxiety thinking you might be in danger. Last year when I received a phone call informing me that you had been shot, I nearly died of a heart attack. I literally collapsed. Every ounce of fear, every imagined thought of loosing you, couldn't prepare me for the news I received that night. Chills still run through me remembering. I know many people worry about their parents' health and safety, but when I personally loose myself in the thought of somehow living without you, my heart drops and my lungs tighten. I don't think it is possible to live without you. In spite of the distance between me and you, you are indescribably close to me.
My only wish is to make you happy and proud to have sacrificed so much for me and Billy. I love you. Always and forever.

- Roach

Day 2

In spite of the major fuck up I did today, I figured I would just ignore it and indulge in my insomnia a bit longer.

Day 2 - My Crush
(this might end up being all over the place)

CG,

I know technically we are beyond the stage of 'crush', but you're the only person I'm fully attracted to and who I would want to be with. You have become one of my most recent highlights even with all the stress taking place in my life. I find myself thinking of you for the majority of the day and wishing to be with you a majority of the night. It was amazing to see you this weekend. Funny thing, I was really nervous picking you up from the airport. I wasn't sure if you had remembered what I looked like and if you would still find me as attractive as when we first re-met. I also get nervous when people watch me drive, so that didn't help calm my nerves driving you home. Although I was nervous at first, you proved to be everything I had anticipated... and more.
I looked into your eyes and I knew. Instantly our lips matched. All awkwardness faded away. I was the first person to notice your brown speck in your green left eye. You make me laugh. You make me care. You make me wonder. I especially enjoy all your nerdy glory... from Stargate to every online computer game you play.
Truth be told... although I maintained pretty strong demeanor while dropping you off at the airport yesterday morning, I literally bawled on the drive back home. I could look at my phone and see your name without feeling a pang of missing you. I wanted to wake up in your arms again, kiss you in the rain again, feel your smile press against mine. My heart felt so empty without you there.
I worry sometimes about this longing for you. If we decide to move forward with our relationship, I sometimes wonder if I can handle all these goodbyes. They will mark our relationship, and probably cause the greatest amount of continual sadness. In spite of all this worry, I truly believe we can make it. I can see us working out and making plans between us. I hope we can give it a legitimately exclusive chance at being in a relationship. I only want to be yours.
I miss you, and I'm happy that in the midst of our distance, I can still imaginatively feel you here. I can't wait to see in in 2 1/2 weeks. California has never felt so good. "BBbbbbbbyyyyyyeee....."

- #1 Kacomforter Katie

Day 1

Lauren,

You have been more of a best friend to me than I could have ever asked for. From Ern and my parents getting shot, to graduating and grad school, you have supported me in every difficulty and adventure I've gone on. I appreciate your advice and love, and I hope you know I respect you and am proud of you for every accomplishment you have ever achieved. THANK YOU for everything you have done for me. I know it can be difficult and frustrating to be a best friend to me, but I hope you know that I will always be there for you. You are the only person I want to spend 14+ hours in a car ride to North Carolina with. I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Katie

30 Day Challenge

So I stole this from a random blog I came across. It sounds interesting... so we'll see if I can keep up with it. I'll most likely end up spacing out the days... sue to time/internet constraints, but it should still prove to be fun. So the idea is that you're supposed to write a letter to each of these people on the specific day.

day 1 — your best friend
day 2 — your crush
day 3 — your parents
day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)
day 5 — your dreams
day 6 — a stranger
day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
day 8 — your favorite internet friend
day 9 — someone you wish you could meet
day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you
day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from
day 15 — the person you miss the most
day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
day 17 — someone from your childhood
day 18 — the person that you wish you could be
day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression
day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to
day 23 — the last person you kissed
day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to
day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 28 — someone that changed your life
day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
day 30 — your reflection in the mirror

Conflicting Conflicts

So A and R broke up. I think its for the better. He was growing to be such a douche... even to the point of being jealous of Ashley hanging out with me. She and I just spent an hour on the phone talking about it. I still feel bad for her. I know how shitty of a situation that can be, even hough she broke up with him.

For some random reason, I've started thinking about all the awkward things attached to breaking up that involve other people outside of the relationship. For example: Like all of the other person's friends that are still friends with you on Facebook, or how you're supposed to react to seeing the other person's friends in public initially after the break up.

I'm getting really nervous about Wednesday. I have a lot of anxiety attached to picking up CG from the airport. I keep asking people if I should park and pick him up or curbside pick him up, or if I should hug and kiss him when he arrives... although I probably won't because that precedent hasn't really been set. Plus I'll be wearing my Harry Potter t-shirt cause we'll be going dinner and off to see the new Harry Potter right after I pick him up... I have to remember to bring gum just in case.

On top of being nervous about Wednesday, I have new concerns regarding him. The closer I get to seeing him, the more I realize how far away California really is. I care about him, but I'm really not sure how feasible we really are. In turn, I think its causing him to be a bit more apprehensive about us. Not that I'm trying to say I mean more to him than what he's leading on to, but I sense him already trying to keep himself a bit distant, although I also sense him moving closer to me at the same time. I'm only saying this because normally we talk every night for at least an hour or so, but this weekend we only talked once Saturday night for an hour. Friday he was non-responsive to my text messages and subsequent call, claiming that he left his phone in a bad reception area in his house... which has never happened before. He finally responded, but he wasn't as warm as he normally is. Granted he called me later that night when he was walking to his car while he was hanging out with hi friends, but I still felt passed on. Very conflicting.

I think a lot of my concern stems from my previous relationship with Ern. With Ern, I always had this doubt in us because I was always nervous about feeling or thinking something more that what we technically were. He always held those technicalities against me, and in a way took advantage of my willingness to accept anything he gave me. I felt like I was walking on egg shells with him, fearful that at any moment my actions would've caused him to end things. As much as I had my faults, I just wanted Ern and I to be real. I wanted to work on making things easy between us, and I think if he hadn't broken things off we could've gotten to that point actually together. But maybe in actuality this separation has proven to be beneficial for us, because in some way, I feel like we've reached that level. As twisted as it sounds, we've expressed things to each other that he and I might not have been comfortable saying to each other before the break. I know he has a girlfriend, and I know its bad timing and I might be wrong for admitting this, but there has been an honest level of emotion that's been emerging between us that has been missing for a long time. I don't know what this means for us now, but I wish we could have reached this point awhile ago. I'm not saying we're perfect, or if we ever get back together we will be without fault, but its nice to have some sense of ease between us. I know it could have been better. I'm sure it may be better... although I may move to California ;)

I know I'm expressing very different emotions within this blog. I AM excited about Wednesday, but its hard to let go of the past.

CG & KM

I should prefix this conversation between CG and I...

Prior to meeting CG, I had been in love with a man named Ern (as you may have read from my many previously depressing posts). I believed Ern to be my One. I had this enormous amount of passion for him that I thought could never be duplicated for anyone else. We were complicated, twisted, in love, addicted, and each other's crutch. Somehow, we were our best friends and each other's most pitiful downfalls. He's broken my heart too many times.

Since our most recent separation, one that is marked by a three week hiatus of indifferent phone calls and misplaced love, I have had the pleasure of discovering CG.

About a month ago I re-met CG. He and I had grown up together, but had never dated, talked, or even exchanged glances. He's 2 years older, but we went to the same elementary school, junior high, high school, and even shared best friends that were brothers. Somehow we had never managed to cross paths.

In mid-October, I was invited to go 'Drink Around the World' (DATW) at Epcot in Disney World by one of my best-friends, Andy. Andy is the brother of CG's best friend, so lo-and-behold, CG joined the crew in drinking (mind you, a crew of over 300+).

When I first arrived, I had recognized CG, but figured he would've forgotten long ago about me, seeing as it had been almost 8 years since I had last remembered seeing him. Throughout the day, he and I exchanged glances, but nearly took all day to finally talk.

Now, I'm not sure if I can explain this well, but do you know what it feels like to instantly connect with someone? Share that moment where everything is silenced around you, and all that you can hear, think, or see is the person standing in front of you? This is what happened with CG and I.

Between the UK and Canada, CG and I got lost in each other's conversation for about 30 minutes. Briefly we had gone over recent life moments, including his accomplishment of a Bachelor's from the University of Michigan and my recent stint at graduate school. He also explained to me his current living situation - Irvine, California. Yes, California.

To divulge some private information about myself, I currently reside in Orlando, Florida. Yes, Florida.

CG and I became entranced by each other. I wanted to know more. I wanted to understand why I found him to be so endearing (aside from his gorgeous green eyes). My friend Tanya, who had accompanied me to DATW, kept urging me to go, seeing as CG and I were traveling around the world in different groups. He informed me that he was leaving the next morning which pushed our desire to talk even further. Unfortunately, our conversation was cut short, and although he tried to get my number, my dead phone battery was of no help. We separated, promising to use Andy's phone to get in contact before the night ended, in order to rekindle our conversation...

Turns out Andy's phone battery had also quit that night, leaving CG and I separated within the same city. Thanks to Facebook (which I find myself never saying), CG and I found each other. We weren't able to meet up before he left, but he and I have been talking since the say we separated. Although he's located over 2,000 miles away, he have been with each other hours on end almost every night. We talk all the time. If we're not talking we're texting. If my internet connection happens to work well, we Skype/Google Talk.

We like each other. We enjoy each other, but there are those miles of separation that have prevented him and I from giving in to an actual 'relationship'.

So the first thing that I've wanted to do with this blog, is to let whoever (whomever?) in on what I've been recently grappling with. Sometimes I cry thinking of how difficult its been to miss someone who I have never been within the vicinity of for more than 30 minutes. I wish he was here, and I wish I was there. I want to know what he feels like.

The second thing I hope to do with this post, is to include the most recent Skype conversation we had. I want to give you some insight on why I like him, and what he and I struggle with.

He's is the 1st person in a very long time that has instantly had me. I know he feels the same earning I do. I know he understands the uncertainty surrounding us. I just really hope he and I somehow give it a try. I want and need him.

[5:08:44 PM] KM: go to sleep mister

[5:08:48 PM] KM: ;)

[5:09:06 PM] CG: lol.

[5:09:09 PM] CG: got distrated

[5:09:14 PM] KM: by what?

[5:09:26 PM] CG: i dont take naps easy anyways

[5:09:29 PM] CG: just the internet

[5:09:37 PM] KM: porn huh?

[5:09:40 PM] KM: jk ;)

[5:09:53 PM] KMd: i want to take a nap now lol

[5:10:09 PM] KM: nap with me? hehe

[5:10:30 PM] CG: doesnt sound like we would be sleeping lol

[5:10:32 PM] CG: jk

[5:10:41 PM] KM: haha

[5:10:42 PM] KM: dream on

[5:10:50 PM] KM: oh dis

[5:11:19 PM] KM: i'm distrcted now too

[5:12:28 PM] CG: LOL

[5:12:37 PM] KM: lol?

[5:13:20 PM] CG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ3_-SbtOL0

[5:15:29 PM] KM: nice

[5:15:43 PM] KM: me gusta

[5:16:10 PM] CG: yeah i have it on loop right now

[5:16:49 PM] KM: its hypnotizing

[5:18:23 PM] KM: do you have any guilty pleasures?

[5:26:20 PM] CG: hmmm

[5:26:37 PM] CG: i dont really know...i just do what i like

[5:27:09 PM] CG: dont consider it a guilty pleasures cause i want to them without concequence

[5:27:16 PM] KM: for example: me watching America's Next Top Model?

[5:29:37 PM] CG: but if you like it why is it a guilt pleasure?

[5:32:54 PM] KM: eh.. cause its shitty reality tv lol

[5:35:31 PM] KM: i want to be on americas next top model, lol

[5:35:39 PM] KM: or an actress

[5:35:47 PM] CG: lol

[5:35:51 PM] CG: why?

[5:36:39 PM] KM: i don't know exactly why. I think it stems from when i was a kid. like the "ugly duckling syndrome"

[5:37:47 PM] KM: plus i think with acting it'd be cool to pretend to be someone else

[5:38:00 PM] CG: lol

[5:38:18 PM] KM: i just want to be pretty, lol

[5:38:20 PM] KM: jk

[5:38:51 PM] KM: i think i'm going to paint my nails

[5:38:58 PM] CG: what color?

[5:39:08 PM] KM: i think purple

[5:39:14 PM] KM: why, lol?

[5:40:01 PM] KM: sometimes i paint my nails many different colors at once

[5:40:04 PM] CG: just because?

[5:40:19 PM] CG: each one been different before? like each a diferent color

[5:40:30 PM] KM: haha yea

[5:41:15 PM] KM: sometimes i can't decide

[5:48:32 PM] KM: plus i've always wanted to be done up in make-up and fancy clothes lol

[5:49:05 PM] KM: weird

[5:53:34 PM] CG: LOL

[5:54:05 PM] KM: like a girly girl

[5:54:09 PM] KM: :)

[5:54:47 PM] KM: what are you up to now? trying to nap? lol

[5:55:16 PM] CG: listening to music mostly

[5:55:17 PM] CG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9sGd-JLvNA

[5:55:24 PM] CG: i love the solo

[5:55:36 PM] CG: you can just skip to 4:30 if you want to hear ir

[5:57:12 PM] KM: haha yeaa

[5:57:20 PM] KM: i like classic

[5:57:24 PM] KM: rock

[5:57:59 PM] KM: but i'm more of a fan of the eagles than skynard

[5:58:17 PM] KM: although i know you'll probably make fun of me for that lol

[5:58:38 PM] CG: not all...im more of fan anything with good solos

[5:58:58 PM] CG: doesnt matter who

[6:00:32 PM] KM: coolio

[6:00:59 PM] KM: this genre reminds me of my dad. its all the music he used to play when we would drive aywhere.

[6:01:04 PM] KM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km4-eKvv3EM

[6:02:48 PM] KM: its fun

[6:03:51 PM] CG: not a bad song

[6:04:36 PM] KM: eh, its the doobie brothers so its light

[6:04:46 PM] KM: lol i almost types boobie brothers

[6:04:52 PM] KM: typed*

[6:06:42 PM] CG: LOL

[6:06:55 PM] KM: boobie brothers?

[6:06:56 PM] KM: lol

[6:08:06 PM] KM: i took a photography class at fiu a few years ago

[6:08:12 PM] KM: black & white

[6:09:02 PM] CG: and?

[6:09:12 PM] KM: i loved it

[6:09:23 PM] KM: watching americas next top model reminds me of it

[6:09:26 PM] KM: lol thats all

[6:09:29 PM] KM: geez

[6:09:52 PM] CG: lol i was just getting context lol

[6:10:01 PM] KM: you should see some of my work

[6:10:03 PM] KM: ;)

[6:10:04 PM] KM: lol

[6:10:29 PM] KM: that sounds like a pick up line

[6:11:14 PM] KM: "you should see some of my work" ;)

[6:21:46 PM] KM: i can make you my new subject booooiiii lol

[6:22:09 PM] CG: lol

[6:22:26 PM] CG: i dont do full nudes though

[6:22:56 PM] KM: partial nudes?

[6:23:24 PM] CG: maybe a shoulder

[6:24:01 PM] KM: i'll just superimpose your face on someone else's body lol

[6:24:26 PM] CG: fine put on radcliffes body...

[6:24:34 PM] KM: haha! sexy!

[6:24:39 PM] KM: jealoussssss....

[6:24:42 PM] KM: ;)

[6:24:43 PM] KM: lol

[6:25:05 PM] KM: we can take pictures together lol

[6:25:10 PM] KM: hiyo

[6:28:55 PM] KM: jk

[6:51:31 PM] CG: hi!!!

[6:51:34 PM] CG: that is all

[6:54:16 PM] KM: do you think its weird

[6:54:18 PM] KM: ?

[6:54:24 PM] CG: what is?

[6:54:31 PM] KM: us?

[6:55:00 PM] CG: nope

[6:55:06 PM] CG: i would rather be wierd than normal

[6:55:44 PM] KM: i wish you were here

[6:56:29 PM] CG: yeah....

[6:57:14 PM] KM: i just did some laundry :)

[6:58:01 PM] KM: one of my favorite feelings is laying in a bed with freshly clean sheets

[6:58:27 PM] KM: i didn't mean 'i wish you were hear' in a bad way

[6:58:33 PM] KM: if you took it that way

[6:58:33 PM] CG: yeah i know

[6:59:05 PM] KM: are you upset?

[6:59:41 PM] CG: no just pondering...which i know is not a good thing to do lol

[6:59:51 PM] KM: about?

[7:00:40 PM] CG: the same stuff...but thats depressing lol

[7:01:58 PM] CG: cause i dont want to bring you down either

[7:02:41 PM] KM: i know

[7:03:06 PM] KM: you don't bring me down

[7:03:35 PM] KM: i kinda think about it regardless if you remind me or not, lol

[7:03:42 PM] CG: lol

[7:04:15 PM] KM: can i be honest with you?

[7:04:20 PM] CG: yeah

[7:04:28 PM] CG: you know you can always

[7:05:51 PM] KM: i asked you do you think we're weird because i find myself missing you even though we've never been in the same vicinity of each other for more than 20 mins.

[7:05:56 PM] KM: and...

[7:06:17 PM] KM: i like it. i like you

[7:06:52 PM] KM: i guess its just a bit weird to like someone 2500 miles away

[7:07:04 PM] KM: for me at least, cause i've never been in this situation before

[7:07:17 PM] KM: sorry if that was a lot

[7:07:19 PM] KM: :/

[7:08:11 PM] KM: i didn't mean i like the distance when i said 'i like it' before. i just meant that i like liking you, lol

[7:10:20 PM] CG: ...im not ignoring you...im just thinking

[7:10:49 PM] CG: and i like you too...just ive never been in this situation before...and it looms on me

[7:11:00 PM] CG: every now and then

[7:12:20 PM] KM: yea

[7:13:05 PM] KM: i'm happy we'll get to see each other over thanksgiving

[7:13:42 PM] KM: i know i've said this before, but maybe we should try not to think about it/not make any decisions until then?

[7:13:55 PM] CG: and i totally agree

[7:14:05 PM] CG: just easier said then done

[7:14:25 PM] KM: yea, same here

[7:19:06 PM] KM: i'm sorry

[7:21:07 PM] CG: you have nothing to be sorry about

[7:21:42 PM] KM: fyi, i don't think its impossible

[7:24:49 PM] KM: but i'm sure it woud be difficult

[7:25:27 PM] CG: yeah i agree..i know its not impossible..i just dont know how emotionally i would be able to handle it

[7:26:16 PM] KM: what do you mean?

[7:32:23 PM] KM: hey, i'm heading out jogging

[7:32:50 PM] CG: sorry i wasnt more communicative

[7:33:02 PM] CG: just thinking lol

[7:35:06 PM] KM: no its ok. i know we're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place (for lack of a better cliche). but there's not much more we can do right now besides waiting and seeing what thanksgiving break brings us, i guess.

[7:35:28 PM] CG: and im all about that

[7:35:48 PM] KM: alright then

[7:35:56 PM] KM: i'll talk to you later alligator

[7:36:16 PM] CG: lol....go like a fetus and head out

[7:36:38 PM] KM: i was actully born feet first/sunny side up fyi

[7:36:47 PM] CG: LOL

[7:36:49 PM] CG: wow

[7:36:52 PM] KM: both kinda work now i guess

[7:37:14 PM] KM: yea my mom had to have a c section cause the cord was also around my neck

[7:37:24 PM] CG: LOL

[7:37:27 PM] CG: problem child

[7:37:33 PM] KMd: seriously

[7:37:36 PM] KM: from the beginning

[7:37:37 PM] KM: ok

[7:37:42 PM] KM: bbbyyyyyeeeee

[7:37:48 PM] CG: byyyyyyyyeeeeeeee

[7:37:49 PM] KM: what time are you heading out?

[7:37:59 PM] CG: hour and a half

[7:38:10 PM] KM: okie dokie

[7:38:37 PM] KM: try to enjoy :)

[7:38:45 PM] CG: i will lol

[7:38:52 PM] KG: k, bye again

[7:39:26 PM] CG: buh bye

Whisper

What if this was you? How would you try to explain everything? How would you get me to pick up the phone? What kind of man lets love slip away... to leave such a good thing behind? How would you ask me to come back to you? Could you let yourself whisper? Ern?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WH23NN5iuwY

Rice Dreams

For a second I got sad today. I thought of how you and I are forgetting each other. I think before, when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I wasn't necessarily conscious of the fact that we were forgetting each other. This time its different. This time I am completely aware that someday I will be a passing thought, if I am not so already.

I'm not particularly mad, but sometimes thinking that way makes me sad.

When we last talked about it, I knew then that we were slowly forgetting each other. I couldn't remember how you felt, how you kissed, how you smiled at me as if I could be yours. You have been gone for too long, even though you've kinda have been there all along. I've been wondering when you might call me, and unsurprisingly you never do. Its not like I expect you to. I'm just aware that you haven't.

Part of me wants you to call me so I can tell you to leave me alone:

"This time it is me. I am leaving you. I've been alone for so long that my mind can't conceive the possibility or idea of you and I anymore. Its hard to remember how to love you.

And I get angry at you for the doubt you have instilled in me. You will never know or understand how sad you I've been. No matter how many verses I have dedicated to you, the breaking of my heart is still a sound you can never hear.

I'm gone. I am leaving you this time. Whether your strength is a reality or not doesn't matter. No longer will I be there to answer your future calls. No longer will I wait for you to decide on me. Inconsistencies have caused me to want to forget you. Reduce you to a passing thought. It was never real. I excused you too many times, and I deserve better. You already knew that. You know that no matter how hard you and I could have worked on us, it would have never been the same. Face reality. You will never see me again. You and I will never speak to each other again. I will fly to the farthest reaches of the Earth and leave your memory behind. The day I forget you will be the day I will be happy. Our happiness happened so long ago. You broke everything. You ruined everything. You failed. I grew, I matured, I loved. What did you do? What did you sacrifice? What was real? I'm not sure what was real. I was living in a nightmare where I wasn't sure if you really existed, yet somehow you continued to hurt me. What did I do to deserve this? Why didn't I get the same level of respect you gave to your previous girlfriends. Why have I been the exception you choose to hurt? Why me? How could you? There's no love between us. I wish you would've picked someone else. I wish someone else could have kissed you on Black Friday. How appropriate. I will now follow you into the unknown."

-------------------------

Clearly I'm imagining you caring somewhere. I can see you reading this entry. Do you doubt me? Are you purposely going to ignore me to test my strength. You always test me. I am never enough.

I don't care if I am alone. I don't care if I never find anyone else. All I care about is being fine without you. All I did was love you, and all you did was pretend. If it was real, then why can't I believe you?

Congratulations.

I'm sure you're happy with all this.

Drank Around the World

Twenty minutes caught me.

Caught you.

Instant.

I suddenly wished you were sitting across from me.

I pictured you smiling, and it made me miss you more.

Sometimes its painful.

The ache I have for you is unlike the ache I've had before.

I want to feel what you feel like.

Disconnect from the time zones that keep us apart.

I want to press my face to yours, holding my breath for the first time with you.

I want nothing more than to take you.

Take me away from here.

I dream of us smiling together.

I've never been one to believe.

I've never been one to let go,

but you are.

You are what I want to make sense.

You are my joy.

You are what I have been waiting for.

You are what I could wait for.

You are what I am waiting for.

Let us go.

Zombie.

Although they've never touched,

my hands miss yours.

If I could have your thoughts...

If you could have my heart?

California dreaming.

Highlander

"You meet thousands of people, and then you meet one person."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have met many strangers. I have dated many men. But when I met Ern, and yes I use 'met' loosely, my world was instantly shifted. Everything I thought I knew about love would eventually become forgotten, because with Ern I learned a whole new definition.

At first, it was amazing. I truly do believe we were instantly addicted to each other. Before we kissed, he had heartbreak while I had insincerity, but we managed to find fire. It was so mind-boggling to me how we started our relationship long-distance, but felt only inches apart. I breathed in every second of Ern I could get. Hours of phone conversations and weekends of passionate reunions had me in love. I dreamed beautiful dreams of us traveling to Japan, us laughing through our memories, us making love, and simply us sharing our days together. I had never been the relationship type of girl before Ern, but our kiss changed me. There were no other words to describe the care, attraction, and compassion I had eventually developed for Ern, besides 'love.'

But then we became difficult. I was frustrated, complicated, and eventually tired. He was quiet and withheld his thoughts within reason. There were so many people and issues surrounding us that we lost sight of what we cared about most... each other. This undeniable pressure from others consuming our relationship, grew into pure exhaustion. Although we had this passionate connection between us, which gave us the ability to communicate intellectually and physically, we couldn't handle the bullshit that was consuming us. I began to grapple with the idea of ending it, while he too felt the obligation of our relationship stressing him out. We caved in and after a short period of time, he ended our relationship.

I was devastated. Although I had grappled with the idea of us ending, it knocked my heart down when I knew I couldn't put our relationship back together.

I scrambled. I was so distraught that I bought a ticket to New York within a 4 days notice, just to get the hell away from the heartbreak. It was chaos. I wanted only to escape the loss of him. I was in a fury, crying anytime my mind wandered (which if you know me, that happens a lot). I was vulnerable, and although I wanted us to work, I almost couldn't handle the cards he dealt to me next.

Withholding all details, about 2 weeks after our break-up, more devastating news was brought to my attention. I seemed to have lost 2 best friends in one weekend. There are no words that could attempt to describe the depression that soon took hold of me. And to further add to my spiral, my grandfather passed away a few weeks after our break-up. No one seemed to be my companion. I drove myself insane. I started running 4 miles a day, discontinued eating, disconnected from friends, and focused solely on school... all in an attempt to mask the painful depression I was dealing with.

I truly thought Ern and I were done... for many reasons, but primarily I felt so dedicated to shutting him out of my life forever. Although I was struggling without him, I told myself to forget him. He had crushed me so deeply, that I thought there would never be a chance of me forgiving him, much less maintaining communication with him.

But somehow we did...

Somehow we began communicating again. It was hard, but that addiction crept it's way back into my life. Slowly I heard him out. He apologized, I listened, and we cried. His tears broke the anger I had inside, and I realized then that this was no ordinary love. We found again that fire. Physically we expressed our emotional devotion, that in spite of our past transgressions and continual question mark surrounding the nature of our relationship, we grew to love again. Words became irrelevant as our addictions to each other's thoughts, actions, and hearts brought us to a new level of care.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The rest of the story breaks my heart. I can't really offer an explanation as to what happened between us because I only know (feel) one side of the story. I have yet to stop loving Ern. This love I have for him tears me apart, because I still struggle with trying to understand where he stands with his feelings for me.

Am I unable to see the reality of the situation? No. I know where his is, and where he stands, but something deep down really believes he is fully aware of his addiction to me.

We have never been just friends, and as unfortunate as it sounds, I highly doubt we could ever be just friends. And although the waves of fire seemed to have shown itself only in bits, the fire has never truly been extinguished. In spite of us spending time apart and us dating other people, we have always managed to come back together, rekindling much of the flame we swore we lost years ago.

I digress, to refer back to the initial quote I posted in this blog entry. Now what exactly does this mean? Like I've answered before, I am able to see the reality of the situation. I know that he is in a 'nice' relationship with someone else who I'm sure also makes him happy. But I ask, is there a fire remotely resembling the one he has for me? Is there an addiction to her mind, body, soul, intellect, humor, communication, devotion, love, or frustration? I understand passion has it's degrees, and all of these 'addictions' to a person's qualities vary from the daters and datees, but can he truly believe there will ever be a fire like ours. We meet thousands of people in a lifetime, but only meet one person. Why waste our energies and devotion on 'nice' people, when we could be diving in to an almost new kind of passion with each other...?

I know I am assuming a great deal, but there are moments in our lifetimes that define our existence. Instances that dynamically alter the rest of our lives. With that being said, I know that our kiss at the Hard Rock on that fateful November evening, forever altered our existence. It set the tone for the rest of Katie and Ern's existence, causing us to be unable to let go. We don't know how to escape the passion or break the addiction, because it was at that moment we instantly loved. I sometimes feel as if I wouldn't be able to escape Ern even if I really wanted to. At times, those instances become irreversible, not caring who's life they change.

Now, I don't say these things without understanding the repercussions of what these feelings entail. This kind of passion between us doesn't come without the frustration and work needed in order to maintain it, which is where we have previously faltered. It would take major effort in order to stabilize even the idea of a relationship between us two. I am also able to see how this might be seen as impulsive, weak, presumptuous, etc... I know. But I can't seem to think of any reason as to why Ern and I have maintained "our kind of madness," whether intentional or not.

Maybe I'm in denial. Resistant to the idea of Ern just being over me. But there are moments now when I feel his heart slip back to me. Where I see his eyes capture me once again. Feelings within our conversations that become almost impossible to suppress. Again, I find myself craving our conversations, wishing to touch his lips, and longing to embrace his body.

Do I know what this all means? No. Do I know how Ern and I will end up? No. But its these kinds of thoughts that take my heart back to a place where I only knew how to believe in us. And yes, sometimes these thoughts intimidate me. I get nervous not only thinking that if we were to try again we might fail, but also thinking about if we were to try again, we might succeed, which at times, can be even more nerve-racking.

But in spite of my nerves, I know where my heart lies. I know what I feel, and how I wish to express it. I want nothing more than to try again. To build us slowly, enjoying any moment we can get. Although we've had our faults, I believe our instantaneous passion still lies within us, begging to be set free. We have evolved, we have learned, and we have loved.

So I push on. I take a stance, and fight for the one I knew I loved years ago, and for the one I know I love now.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I have met thousands of people, and I have met only one Ern."

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2329347609/ (in case you're wondering where the initial quote came from).

Sinimani

I just got back from walking Samson... or better yet him walking me... and while I was out I ran into this couple that had just moved in across the street. They saw Sam and wanted to pet him and share their dog stories with me, which is completely normal. It turns out, they are the most gorgeous couple I have ever seen in my life. Both are Amazonian tall. Both are extremely well dressed. Both are super nice and well-spoken, and have the most amazing faces... weird, no?

It just strikes me at how perfect they seem/are. Its weird to feel jealous of strangers. For a second I wanted to be them. I started to wonder about their dynamic, if the sex was good, if they still laugh at each others' jokes, or set aside time to go on dates or share the day's stories with one another. They must be perfect. There are so many dysfunctional couples surrounding me, that its hard to imagine what 'perfect' is within a relationship. I understand that the meaning of perfect varies from person to person, I just felt as if I had met the most fantastic, almost celebrity-style couple

I wish I could be normal. Tonight was weird. I stood up someone, thinking I might actually go on a date with someone I'm interested in, only to be stood up in return. Sucks. Its that same firefighter from the dog park. Tonight was supposed to be the first night we actually meet up outside the dog park... and instead I got stood up. I don't believe in karma, but I'm sure the cosmic love gods partook in tonight's events, in response to me blowing someone off (not in the good way, haha).

I get so frustrated. I wish this person that's supposed to let me get over Ern would just show himself already. I think about Ern so many times throughout the day, and I can't seem to detach the romantic and emotional side from those thoughts. I wish I could think of him as just a friend, but I have yet to be able to. I wonder if he understands how I feel. I've longed for people before, but to me these feelings surpass all previous beliefs. Its like this empty vacuum in my chest, that when a thought of him comes to mind, all of a sudden the vacuum is turned on and pulls at everything surrounding my heart, as if it is imploding.

I would give anything to have one more moment with him. One more time to kiss him. One more time to swim in the ocean at night or feel for each other under the covers. I can close my eyes and feel my caress across his skin and retrace every inch of his body, touching the smoothest skin on his hips and back. God I miss that passion. I miss the fire. The companionship. The confusion. The anger. The love. I miss his bad breath in the morning. His skinny ankles. His smell every time I would breath him in. The way his hair on his arms ends where his shirt sleeve would start.

I have never loved anyone the way I love Ern. And I get so mad at whatever cosmic being responsible for allowing me to feel this much. I know he wishes I could be normal and look at him like any other person/friend. He's such a dream.

But these thoughts are meaningless. These feelings hold no weight. It is the hardest thing to love someone so much who you're not allowed to. To walk with such a heavy heart breaks me down. And knowing there is nothing I can do about it drags me further through this misery.

So when I see this gorgeous couple standing before me, I wish nothing more than to stand in their shoes. To seemingly stand next to the one I love with the confidence of his love in return. I want that normalcy, and I worry there will never be a normal for me. Especially without Ern, a reciprocated love.

Lastly, this past week for my Latin American History Colloquium, we were required to read, The Mixtecs of Colonial Oazaca: Nudzahui History, Sixteenth Through Eighteenth Centuries, by Kevin Terraciano. Granted I got through about 20 pages (of a 510 page book), but something struck out at me during class. In his chapter entitled, Language, Terraciano discusses the way in which the Nudzahui composed their language by employing a noun as an object of a common verb. As he gave examples, one particularly stuck out:

"The verb 'to love' is sinimani, consisting of sini (to know), and mani (preciousness)."

I've never been able to give Ern a substantial reason for loving him the way that I do. Even to this day, Ern is incapable of understanding how I, of all people, can honestly waste away with the dream of loving him. When I read Terraciano's passage, I couldn't help but think of Ern, thinking the Nudzahui definition of "to love" essentially relates to mine. To love Ern is to know preciousness. To me, there is an undeniable value to Ern that has obtained a certain kind of preciousness, that surpasses any love I've known. I don't want to give up.

sinimani

In Your Atmosphere

I'd die if I saw you, I'd die if I didn't see you there.

I think I'm going to stay...

I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7FP5R2EOwc now.

______________________________________________

I was talking with this girl today at work. Her name is Tina and she's been my co-worker since I first started working at Ale House. She has a little boy named Toby, and when I first met her, I think she had been stuck in an abusive relationship with her child's father (I wasn't sure, just based on what I had noticed). One day she showed up with bruises and in turn finally put her foot down and left the guy who beat her.

A few months later, She met a guy at a playground who had a little girl around the same age as Toby. According to her he was brilliant. He treated her like a queen, and luckily had a daughter who got along well with her son. He became a bright light in her bleak sky, and proved to be even more amazing as time wore on.

Two weeks ago he broke up with her. Apparently he offered her no explanation, just left. Completely disconnected from her. Deleted her from his Facebook, ignored her calls, left her no answer to her many questions. This guy who, again according to all the stories she's told me before, was an amazing guy, just disappeared.

When she told me this today, it really got to me. Of course she told me in the beginning of our shift, so it ruined the rest of my work day (although only making $11 today also sucked). But I couldn't define why exactly in effected (affected?) me the way it did. I know for obvious reasons it could be because it made me reminisce about Ern, but it wasn't just that.

It bothered me how instantaneous people just disappear out of your life. She used to tell me about the plans they would make about marriage, etc... and out of nowhere those plans get deleted. Its hard because any future you think you envision basically becomes a reality. And I think I might have mentioned this before, but it becomes sequential, where your envisioned future becomes your present, making it impossible to not feel tortured when your present becomes incomplete. Your mind and heart almost becomes stuck between the two walls of present and future, and you can't see beyond that constraint. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I think that is where we find the struggle. Where forgetting the possible becomes impossible... it becomes so linked to the reality of "today."

Going off on a farther random tangent: I think this is were time becomes irrelevant. If you are unaware of my disbelief in time, then now you know. Your mind has no understanding of what was, what is, and what could have been, because the power within our hearts surpasses our ability to mentally construct time, linking all three categories of passion and feeling together. Erasing the lines that could have essentially separated the three time frames of relationship actions, unable to separate the reality from the possibility. Just my philosophy.

____________________________________________________________

I really should be getting back to my paper if I ever want to know what sleep feels like. This procrastination drains me. You would think I would learn by now.

Booked Face and Wit Twits

It's crazy how addictive our online personalities have gotten. Where, as human beings, we can't function without an online social network attached to us. I told Ashley to change my Facebook password in order for me to get through the rest of this summer's semester. I spend a great deal of my time online uploading pictures, commenting on other people's pictures, commenting on my friends' walls, commenting on their status, while uploading my status, while I keep logging in to check my news feed for other people's statuses, likes, dislikes, interests, relationship status, family updates, etc... It's become crazy.

I had jury duty last week, and while I was waiting in the jury pool to be called, I read a recent TIME article written in May 2010 about Facebook. In spite of our current invasion of privacy, especially as you read this blog, Facebook has reached approximately 500 million active profiles.

We have grown to become addicted to these social networking sites, and allow them to become these "private" outlets that temporarily grants us a celebrity like quality, while also giving us a space to "escape" into. I love it. I love the fact that I can keep in touch with family, friends, lovers, but I know that I have become addicted to Facebook, along with millions of others. Its very hard to imagine going online without checking our Facebook at some point during our internet browsing, almost as hard as imagining a world before cell phones.

So in order for me to finish this semester accordingly, I had to ask one of my best friends to change my password in order to finish this semester's work on time.

Pathetic. I'm kind of angry that I have to go to that extreme in order to eliminate my Facebook trigger. And you know what I did when I couldn't access my Facebook account? I created a Twitter account. To feed this procrastination, to ease this 'need to know' quest by stalking celebrities and their status. In one day I had 16 followers, and although that number fluctuates, Its incredible how quickly this next social network takes over. I'm sure normal people can handle a Facebook account and grad school, but I've developed this addictive tendency towards it that I can't.

So I'm thinking of officially deleting it soon. Force people to contact me through other means besides writing a little comment on my wall or picture. That doesn't make up for the missed phone calls, visits, letters and cards. If anything, it emphasizes what we've reduced our interactions to the brief sentences.

I want action. I want reality. Relationships aren't based on Facebook statuses, birthday parties happen with or without Facebook event pages, and babies are born with or without their parents posting pictures online. Life takes tangible moments, not online updates. I want your hands, I want to hear your voice, I want your investment.

Deletion may be coming soon. I'm there. I'm a phone call away. I'm a hug here. I'm a kiss near.

http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1990582,00.html - In case you wanted to read the article. It was very well written and entertaining to read.

Forced Socialization

I think going to dog parks forces you to socialize. Once your dog starts rough-housing and playing with another dog, you're basically stuck in a situation of talking with that dog's owner. You end up knowing and remembering the dog's names before their owner's, which I find weird. My experience has been semi-positive. I guess it does not matter about my experience because it really is all about Samson, but it has been quite odd.
I met a guy there, which I find weird, just because it almost felt like forced socialization due to his dog and my dog playing. He has an Australian Shepherd too named Foster. Samson and Foster bonded quickly so I made my way over to watch Samson and ended up meeting Foster's owner. His name is Sean, or I guess it could be spelled "Shawn." We met about a week ago, and for the first time talking with someone at a dog park didn't feel awkward.
He's not my type at all, although many of my friends would argue that I do not have a type. He's tall, white, very muscular (on the gym robot, meat head side), never went to college, and he's a former marine turned fire fighter. I would say he's not my typical type just because most of the men that I have been recently into (or still in love with) don't come in the prettiest of packages, not that the men I date aren't attractive, its just that they don't normally fit into the generic good looks categories. They typically have a scratch or two to them that in spite of their otherwise attractive features, makes them even more irresistible. Sean on the other hand fits the usual "good-looking" guy... kinda like the type of guy who wouldn't normally be into me.
Again, I met him about a week ago, and instantly got along well with him. We engaged in small talk, kinda flirted, and got to know each other a little bit. At the end of the first day, we parted ways without exchanging any contact information or a last name. That was on a Thursday.
The following Tuesday comes along, and I decide to take Samson to the dog park again. I love to see Samson having a good time, seeing as he barely gets out when we're stuck at home. Thirty minutes pass at the dog park, with barely any dogs showing up, and suddenly out runs Foster. I soon turn to my left to see Sean standing there. Needless to say, I was very surprised because we obviously hadn't made any plans the previous day to meet up again at the dog park. So for the next hour or so we talk, laugh, joke, and interact with each other on a very friendly level. I can't confirm he was flirting with me just because I still think (due to his looks and profession) he's out of my league. Later, we decide to gather our dogs and wash them together at the bathing area. He shares his shampoo with me as I lend him an extra towel and continue on in conversation. As we are leaving, he asks me for my number so that we can arrange another day at the dog park.
See, this may be considered a more than a dog park day kind of exchange, but I'm not so sure of that. We met up again today at the dog park, and nothing really progressed following today's adventures. Aside from picking up poop, talking, and playing with our dogs, no further flirtation occurred. He joked that he might visit me on my double tomorrow, planned to possibly meet up Monday, but that really was it.
Eh... so I don't know. I still am utterly bogged down with the thought of Ern, but that is continually proving to be a disappointment on my end. I don't think he understands.
Again on the subject of dog park socialization, its just weird yet fun, meeting all these people.

"I Am Thinking It's a Sign, That the Freckles in Our Eyes are Mirror Images"

I have trouble believing that everything happens for a reason. Or that fate is the main controller of our lives. Many people believe otherwise, and I think most use it to cushion the pain from whatever went opposite of what they desired. It's a comfort to believe everything happens for a reason. I like to believe that things just happen, without reason, without hope, and at most times, without planning. Everyday choices guide our lives, and it is only in hindsight that we are able to see the strings that tie us to our final outcomes.

I wish I could sneak a peak at myself in 10 years. It'd be cool to see where I am, who I'm with, if there's kids, houses, etc...

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never be able to get over you. I have low expectations for tonight. I have this feeling that you may never choose me again, and as much as we both hate the word never, I can't believe in you choosing me tonight. And it's okay, because above all I want you to be happy, but it kills me to know you are with someone else. And for the sake of your relationship, my sanity, and my heart, I can't live in a world where you aren't mine. We've tried being just friends, but I never stopped loving you, and I'm not sure if I ever can. Forgive me, because I know this is basically an unwritten ultimatum, but I can't be okay without you here.

When I picture you, I only picture us. I've been missing you for so long.

It's funny, I just got off the phone with my friend Mike, and he was playing a few songs on his guitar to keep us entertained. He began to sing "Such Great Heights" and this immense amount of warmth took over me, and I was suddenly brought back to that rooftop you took me to overlooking Miami. I can picture the night sky, the cool air, your hands overlapping mine, and feel the warmth of your body holding me from falling over the edge. I hummed "Such Great Heights" as we swayed in the moonlight. I don't remember if you saw, but I teared up. I had never had anyone treat me so well like you did. I had never had anyone show me so much in such a little amount of time. So I knew when I told you I loved you, I wasn't lying. I was not scared. I wasn't doubtful. And even as our relationship grew, fell apart, and managed to stay around, I always came back to that moment of you holding me as we overlooked the Miami skyline. I think that's why the break-up bewildered me, and probably why to this day I have difficulty letting you go.

But there pops up the idea of fate again, or a reason for us. And as much as I don't necessarily believe in fate, I do believe that there has been some cosmic and magnetic force consistently bringing us together. Lives crossed.

I love you, and I know I will love you for a lifetime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQIGDyEkngY

Nothing Normal

I am the loneliest person. I have no one. Everything I feel, is left within me, for I have no one to share it with. So much weighs on me and there's no one to help carry it. I felt like with you, it was easier. Without you, I'm crumbling. I wish I understood why I feel this way. Its crazy, literally crazy to feel this way still. Is there reason to this madness? Something is clearly wrong with me if I have hoped for you for so long. You're gone. You're gone but I still feel for you. I ache for you. You never leave my mind, and it is simply madness. There's no explanation to help me understand why I feel so much love for you. And yet, it all goes unanswered.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know she's in your life now, but it's killing me. I feel like its physically killing me to live with this mindset. Knowing she's better than me. Knowing you get to have someone there. You get companionship, while I get to be alone. That drives me mad. You cheated on me, you lied, you ruined a friendship, you hurt me so many times in so many ways, and yet you get a prize at the end??? Where is the fairness in that? I am your prize, because in spite and with love for everything, I was standing there holding your hand. I was there through your ups and your downs, and yet you deserve better than me? Who else will love you the way that I do? Where is my companion if you're gone? Who else do I get to give my heart away. Why do you get the normal, steady, "happy" relationship? I get the scraps. I get to sit in my room, on my broken bed, on my dirty sheets, in my dirty clothes, with myself. Only with myself. Where is the fairness in that? What have I done to deserve this? I gave everything, and in spite of us failing, there is no one else to help me carry. I am so alone. I'm dying. I feel this rush of emotion leaving my body every time I hear your name, and I know its your name that's killing me. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't laugh. This isn't normal, this isn't sane. How can you be okay with this? Where are your tears, where is your sadness, where is your loneliness? Why am I left? This isn't normal.

Meet Me in Montauk

How can I embrace the thought of you and someone else?
How can I let my heart understand you and the words that hurt so much?
I sobbed the entire way home.
The moment I left your driveway I broke down.
I couldn't see, breath, think.
It hurts so bad.
To not be the one you want to kiss.
To not be the one you want to share your thoughts with.
To loose a best friend,
to loose a lover.
These thoughts overwhelm me as I imagine your face, your warmth, your hands.
Images of us fly by... and pass me.
If I'm not enough...
What is so wrong with me?
What is so unimaginably vile that you can't picture a life with me simply as yours?
How is that so bad?
How is it so wrong?
That you would wish someone else to be in your arms.
That you would make chocolate chip pancakes with someone else standing in your kitchen.
That you would wake up to someone else's smile.
You'd take that all away from me.
Take your smile, your eyes, your self.
I wish I knew how to make you happy.
I would sacrifice my every being to make you smile, to make you at ease, to make you sense satisfaction and compassion.
I've lost the hope.
You've burnt my heart to stone.
I can't think without my body wanting to collapse.
I collapse every second.
I break apart.
What am I to do now?
Sit. Smile. Repeat?
Make you happy by keeping myself in tune with your offertory of friendship?
What really was our friendship?
You separate me from the entirety of your life.
What friend treats their friends the way that you treat me?
Who would allow someone to suffer within every context of our situation?
No call.
No visit.
No concern.
Where are you when I worry?
When I cry?
Yet, I am punished for caring the way I do.
I get ridiculed for feeling the way I do.
It must be some sick joke for me to care about someone who could care less if I loved them.
I dreamed of the day when you would one day see me with an ounce of insight into how I see you, but instead you turn completely in the other direction.
Would you be there even if you wanted to?
If you realized the grass was actually brown on the other side, and mine had always been green.
Does pride conquer your heart?
Are you too proud to ever admit and realize I have been here all along?
Never would you renege.
Never would your heart admit defeat.
Maybe I can't seem to capture that sacrifice.
The realization that love takes questioning, love takes struggle, love takes patience.
Love takes.
But love gives.
Love directs the embraces.
Directs the fears, doubts, questions.
Love directs the answers.
What is our answer?
What will we do now?
What will I do now?
Sit, wait, wish?
I've been wishing for too long.
Will I wish much longer?
You are one sweet love.
One that I would follow for a lifetime,
to become the person you would come home to.
My grass will always be greener.
If you want, my heart may always be yours.
Yours.
I can't continue.
My memory is cruel.
Eyes wide shut, wide open.
It could all be so simple, but WE rather make it hard.
Move on as you wish to?
Move on as you wish to.
Move on as I wish to?
Move on as I wish to.

__________________________________________________________

I know you're reading this. This isn't fair for me.
The other night when I picked you up from Underground Blues, you said something that struck me, and I couldn't quite place my finger on it until now. You said, "You're too good to me, but I treat you so bad. I know you feel bad."
It may have been the alcohol and because you probably had read my other journal/blog posts, and can tell that I suffer when you are gone. But since this morning, what you said sends off a different message.
I know I jump quickly to conclusions, and although you merely mentioned being interested in setting aside our physical relationship to clear your mind for the possibility of entertaining a relationship with someone else...

Ok, I'm unable to continue that sentence. It hurts me so much. It hurts me inside to think of a vague someone else.
I just feel like a true idiot. To think that I had hope still after everything we had gone through, everything you had already told me. I listened to every word you said about us not being affectionate for the betterment of 'us', but I still wished on some shitty shooting star that you might actually want to be with me for a change.
I guess that why it hurts so much because all the hoping and wishing left me even further empty handed. And although I figured the worst was inevitable, I still felt every one of your kisses as if they were mine. I believed that underneath your every desire to let me go, there was a stronger desire to keep me. But it feels like more than just letting go, it feels like you pushing me away.
I can't be around you if you decide to openly date someone else. I struggled just to type that sentence, so I can't imagine how I would feel seeing you in a separate relationship.
I wish this was easier for both of us. That I didn't have to suffer, and you didn't have to feel responsible, at least not for this kind of suffering.
To be honest, I suffer constantly for you, and I would constantly suffer for you. But this pain I can't handle. I can't know you would rather explore the vast regions of distant relationships, than spend your evenings with me.
And this kind of thinking always makes me wonder my worth to you. Meaning, what is it worth for me to be in your life? What would you be sacrificing to go explore with other girls? What would you truly be loosing if I disappeared? Is it worth loosing me?
Because I would wait. As I said before, I would essentially participate in the beauty pageant even if I was the ugliest girl to show up, because for you Ern, I would always show up.
I would tread water for a lifetime to be yours.

I've thought about this today. I figured that if you are legitimately/exclusively dating someone else, I can't be around. I ask you to understand because I don't know how I ever would be able to handle that, and although I am a strong woman, I'm not that strong.
If you are casually dating other people, than keep me as however you want to. If you want to sleep next to me, if you want to go somewhere and eat dinner then watch a movie (I promise to stay up!), or simply anything, then keep me, call me, like me. I'll still compete in the pageant. Just don't lie to me, and don't tell me anything regarding your 'dating life.'
Also, don't throw us away. If you happen to decide I may be everything you want and need (I guess a girl can still hope), tell me. Dry my tears and hug me. Tell me that I am enough, if not more than enough, so we could just be.

Leap and the Net Will Appear

Ahh... it was so nice to see Hulu make a Jason Mraz special with all his music videos and new live performances.
His voice... indescribable.

'won't you hang around, so the sun can shine on me, and the clouds they can roll away, and the sky can become possibilities.'

*sigh* love Love LOVE his music.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

You know, I thought by now, I would learn how to not procrastinate. I'd be so grateful for the opprotunity to be in graduate school, I would jump at the moment I could do any work. Yet, here I am, procrastinating again, loosing focus on my studies. It pisses me off that I feel like I need to check facebook, play solitaire, check cnn.com. I should want to get things done A.S.A.P. instead of last minute. I feel like such a bad grad student. Boo

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So poor.... so poor. I need to come up with some serious cash. Car payment, Rent, utilities, phone, school books, food.... Dammit.

Random, but I used/still think that I would make a great escort. I'm not saying I want to be a prostitute, sex wouldn't be necessary (unless he's cute... jk, if he's cute he wouldn't need an escort), but I know I'm great company, and when I dress up, I dress well. So I think I would be a great escort for anyone who needed a date for a special evening or event. That way I could make great money and not have to work as a damn server.

===================================================================

Luckily my roommates got me a Target giftcard so I can now buy some groceries... 1st time in 2 months. Damn

"Revelry" - Kings of Leon

What a night for a dance,
You know I'm a dancing machine.
Put a fire in my bones
With the sweet taste of kerosene.

I get lost in the night,
So high, I don't want to come down
To face the loss of the good thing that I found.

In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name.
With the hardest of hearts, I still feel full of pain.

So I drink and I smoke
And I ask if you're ever around.
Even though it was me
Who drove us right in the ground.

See, the time we shared
It was precious to me.
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry.

Born to run, baby, run like a stream down a mountainside.
With the wind at my back, I don't ever even bat an eye.
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart.
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start.

So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry.

Dreaming of revelry

And I told myself, boy away you go,
It rained so hard it felt like snow.
Everything came tumbling down on me.

In the back of the woods, in dark of the night, the paleness of the old moonlight.
Everything just felt so incomplete.

Dreaming of revelry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZyGWg0uqkw

Earlobes

I'm the best when it comes to procrastination. Which sucks. I wish I had more drive in me to do things right off the bat, instead of waiting until the last minute to finish something. Even now... here I am procrastinating.

I worked a double yesterday at the restaurant, and I'm exhausted. Its horrible. After working for so long, you need a day to recover physically and mentally. After awhile there everything starts blurring. The people, the food, your co-workers.

When I got home I couldn't even sleep. I wanted to get out, move, talk to people, but it was 2:30am, so no one would've answered. I get antsy after work, even though I'm exhausted. I can't go right to sleep.

So I watched the latest SNL episode on Hulu and finally fell asleep around 3:30am. Instead of sleeping in, which I wish I had, I woke up on my own at 8:46am, and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I know some of it is due to all the stress on my mind, but I can't trace any further reasoning.

Random thought.

When I was a kid, I used to love it when my mom would clean my ears with a Q-tip. It used to feel so good when she would pull my ear and swab the inner and outer ear clean of all the dirt and wax. She would lay my head on her lap, turn my head, the pull and swab. I was just cleaning my ears now, and I just thought about her. I used to also like it when she would put earrings into my pierced ears. It just felt good to have her do this for me. She would massage my earlobes before putting them in/taking them out, then try and get it correctly into the piercing.

I know, its so strange to be thinking of this now.

________________

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

One Minute Love - Camden Reinhardt Becker

Heather had her baby!

Camden Reinhardt Becker was born at 8:47am on January 15, 2010. He weighed 7 pds, 13 ounces, and was 20 1/2 inches long. He is the most adorable new born I have ever seen. Most newborns look like squishy aliens, but Camden is gorgeous. His face is the cutest. Instant love.

Heather's original due date was set for January 20, 2010. During a routine check-up about 3 months ago, the doctor pushed her due date up to January 14, 2010, almost a week ahead. I knew Phil (Engel) was going to be in Iraq by the time the baby would be due, so I immediately took off the 14th, 15th, 16th of January to be on call so I could head down to South Florida and be there, in case Heather would give birth on either of those dates.

Thursday afternoon (14th), I decided to ride my bike for the 1st time to school, which is about 3 miles away from my house. I got to school around 2 and proceeded to hang out with some fellow students who are in my program. I knew Heather had a doctor's appointment that day to see how dialated she was, so we could estimate when she would actually go into labor.

I was sitting our department's lounge, and I received a text message from Heather. She informed me that the appointment is going well, and that I shouldn't worry about heading down to South Florida any time soon because she had only dialated half a centimeter, and figured it wouldn't be another week until she gave birth. So I continued to socialize with my classmates.

No less than 5 minutes later, I receive a phone call from Heather, telling me that the doctor didn't like the breathing rate of the baby, and was planning to induce labor 8pm that night. I was in complete disbelief.

After rushing down from Orlando, I met up Heather, Heather's mom, Melanie, Heather's Dad, Jan, and Heather's sister, Missy, who were all at the hospital, who had just began having her labor induced. Even after multiple steps were taken to induce Heather's labor, nothing was allowing her to dialate. Although she was having constant contractions, she still had only dialated to 2 centimeters by early morning. At around 3am, nurses at the hospital kicked me, Missy, and her dad out, explaining to us that at her rate, Heather wouldn't be giving birth until late afternoon, so we should go home and get some rest. We left the hopital, and slept at Heather's parents' house.

Lo and behold, at 7:30 am, we receive a call from Heather's aunt, Chita, who told us that the baby had turned sideways in Heather's belly, and that they were going to attempt an emergency C-section now. Immediately startled at the news, Chita comes over to pick Missy and I up so we could hurry to the hospital. Right as we got there, they were wheeling Camden into the nursery.

By 8:48am, we all fell in love.

And So It Is...

When my first boyfriend and I broke up, Damien Rice really helped me heal.

At the time I was going through major changes along with the heartbreak. I had given up on living in Gainesville and moved back to Miami into my father's house, and was left alone by many of my friends and relatives to wallow in my sadness.

I had never lived with my dad before, and with my new found heartbreak, I began adjusting to a new lonely kind of life. I didn't have friends down south, they all had moved away for school, I wasn't going to school, so I struggled meeting new people, and I was working at Publix with a bunch of old people, so most of my time was spent alone, left to grieve my many losses.

I thought my world was over with the loss of my first boyfriend. For awhile I couldn't understand why we had broken up, and how someone who had told me I'd be the mother of his children, could then tell me he was leaving. Granted we were 17 and 18, so there was a sense of innocent youth attached to us, but my world was shook without him. I couldn't breath, I couldn't eat, and each and every thought contained some kind of notion of him.

At the same time, the movie Closer came out, and Damien Rice (who is all over the movie's soundtrack), exploded onto the scene with his album 'O.' I remember the first time I had ever heard one of his songs. I was sitting in my dad's living room watching Vh1 videos before work, and Rice's video for 'Blower's Daughter' came on. It caught my ear the moment I heard it, and brought me to tears instantly. It was such a relief to hear a song that seemed to capture the utter sadness I was feeling.

Soon I bought his album, and began to soak myself entirely into it. From January (my first boyfriend and I broke up in late November, and stopped talking in Decemberish) to early summer, I had Rice's album 'O' on repeat. Over and over again I listened to his music and grieved my lost love. I endured the loneliest time of my life. Rice was angry, I was angry. Rice was missing, I felt lost, He loved someone who was gone, I loved someone who would never be mine again.

Damien Rice gave me the important grieving period I needed to help me move on from what was lost. Through all the tears, journal entries, and many walks alone, Rice and I relieved ourselves from the misery that surely would have stayed longer had I not submerged myself into the grief.

Overtime, the heartache lessened. Granted my next actual boyfriend wouldn't actually appear for another four years, but I was able to date again.

As I struggle now with another sense of loss, Damien Rice breaks back onto my scene. I am brought back to wistful March days when I would lay on my bed, allowing my tears to stain the pillows as I grieved the loneliness attached to my first boyfriend.

What inspired me to write this blog entry was hearing one of Rice's newer songs, 'Unplayed Piano' as I was making chocolate chip pancakes this morning. I had my itunes opened on shuffle to play music while I cooked, and as Rice's song played, a distant ache resurfaced. The ache that I thought had eased as Rice and I grieved long ago, came back with a sudden attack on my heart and mind. As I began hearing his familiar tune, soon memories of him and I swirled.

Again I am understanding the lyrics and melodies that capture my heart's tangles. They express my tears in words that help to reveal the sudden pain of loosing someone I love. Granted it is under different circumstances, and he and I are in an altogether different situation than what my first boyfriend and I were in, but the feeling is similar. If anything, the struggle to relieve myself from the grief is even more intense.

Even though many people criticize Rice's music as being too depressing to enjoy, it takes someone who is just as bitterly depressed to appreciate the lyrical composition of his music. Damien Rice gives anyone who is listening, the ability to revel in their misery, express their parallel situations through song, and intensify the brilliancy of every memory of that lost person, in order to understand better their attachment to their sudden loss of love.

I believe he isn't lost, but I can't help myself relating again to Rice's melody. The violin's strings pull me back, and emotionally bring me back to the same bed, left there alone again to shed another tear for another one I loved.

"The Blowers Daughter"

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

Nameless

I just feel like a fool. I've been struggling adjusting to being whatever we are, because I understand that we fit in an entirely alternative category. We don't fit in the boyfriend/girlfriend category, don't fit as friends with benefits, and don't fit the just friends category.

Now when I say struggling, I mean struggling. I wish with all my heart to be with him, in that boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. But I accept his desire to not want to be in a relationship, and settle for the best available option, which is what we are now. I love being with him, and for the most part our current, nameless situation is great. We get to enjoy each other emotionally, physically, and mentally, without needing to adhere to any certain label or responsibilities.

But last night struck me hard.

I had been trying to get in touch with him for the last 2 days, since I got back from Chicago, and to no avail, he was unresponsive. As I tried calling him again yesterday, my calls began going straight to voicemail. The last time my calls went straight to voicemail, he was sitting in a jail cell. On top of feeling responsible for him ending up in jail, I was literally worried something horrible had happened to him. We hadn't talked in over a week, so I wasn't sure what happened to him. Worried, I drove to his place to make sure he was okay.

Lo and behold, I discovered him there... with a girl.

Granted when I pulled up and saw another car there, I wasn't sure who it may have been. I just wanted to see him, and make sure he was ok. He scared the hell out of me. So even though I saw another car in the front, I knocked anyway.

When he opened the door, a mixture of emotions took over me, similar to the ones that took hold of me when he was released from jail. I sighed, slightly wanted to punch him but hugged him instead, and thanked God he was okay. As I hugged him, I glanced through the doorway to notice a girl sitting on his couch. Instantly my heart dropped.

Now, I understand we are both single. I get it. We have the freedom to entertain anyone we choose. Since he and I officially broke up (a long time ago, I might add), I honestly have attempted to date a few other people. So essentially I have no right to feel the way I do, although I'm sure he wouldn't get the same feeling as I do if he were to find out that I might be dating someone else.

But those people that I have attempted to date couldn't hold a candle to him. And I honestly tried to make it work with them. I avoided him when the other and I were dating, gave them a chance, and looked deeper into them, attempting to enjoy what they had to offer. I was essentially emotionally and physically attracted to them, but the passion I felt with them couldn't amount to the passion I had/have with him.

So last night when I saw a girl sitting on his couch, I wasn't mad. Heartbroken, definitely. But I figured it was bound to happen. He ushered me in and thus we began to make introductions and discussion. It hurt like hell, but I continued on to make due, preparing for the worst.

.........................

After she left, I was told that he and her weren't dating, and that he, in fact, was not dating anyone else. At the moment I was slightly relieved.

Yet my heart and mind still contain a mix of emotions.

Whether they're friends or not wasn't the only issue, he chose to be unresponsive for 2 days. Ignoring my calls, putting me on a waitlist of people to call hurts. On top of that, he also chooses to keep me buried deep in the trenches of his life.
I don't mean trenches in the negative way, he just keeps me away from other aspects of his life, so maybe I may never grow to become more than friends or maybe just friends.

I had never met the girl on his couch, but she does karate with him, and obviously had been friends with him for awhile. I started thinking about all his friends that I had never met, or all of the life sitiuations he chooses to keep me seperated from.
Maybe its me, but why does he insist on excluding me? I wonder if he seperates all his friends from each other, but I feel as though he specifically doesn't like me crossing my nameless boundaries.

I've thought about this before. I've dealt with being excluded from certain aspects of his life , knowing to him there's no reason to include me. But it hurts to think about this. It hurts to know that he chooses to keep me, forever simply seperated. Just there.

Thats what really struck me last night. That I may never escape the trenches of one single aspect of his life. I had no idea who was sitting on his couch, and I am almost sure that I wouldn't have known who was sitting on his couch if it had been a man, another woman, or child.

I know he cares about me. I do. I just wish he....
I'm not sure how to continue this sentence. I started thinking about what I wish he would do and stopped. I enjoy us. I hope there is no misunderstanding about that.
Maybe our title is just that, us.
It just sucks being held back by 'nameless' boundaries, only being able to define ourselves by something we can't define, or better yet, 'name.'