In Your Atmosphere

I'd die if I saw you, I'd die if I didn't see you there.

I think I'm going to stay...

I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7FP5R2EOwc now.

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I was talking with this girl today at work. Her name is Tina and she's been my co-worker since I first started working at Ale House. She has a little boy named Toby, and when I first met her, I think she had been stuck in an abusive relationship with her child's father (I wasn't sure, just based on what I had noticed). One day she showed up with bruises and in turn finally put her foot down and left the guy who beat her.

A few months later, She met a guy at a playground who had a little girl around the same age as Toby. According to her he was brilliant. He treated her like a queen, and luckily had a daughter who got along well with her son. He became a bright light in her bleak sky, and proved to be even more amazing as time wore on.

Two weeks ago he broke up with her. Apparently he offered her no explanation, just left. Completely disconnected from her. Deleted her from his Facebook, ignored her calls, left her no answer to her many questions. This guy who, again according to all the stories she's told me before, was an amazing guy, just disappeared.

When she told me this today, it really got to me. Of course she told me in the beginning of our shift, so it ruined the rest of my work day (although only making $11 today also sucked). But I couldn't define why exactly in effected (affected?) me the way it did. I know for obvious reasons it could be because it made me reminisce about Ern, but it wasn't just that.

It bothered me how instantaneous people just disappear out of your life. She used to tell me about the plans they would make about marriage, etc... and out of nowhere those plans get deleted. Its hard because any future you think you envision basically becomes a reality. And I think I might have mentioned this before, but it becomes sequential, where your envisioned future becomes your present, making it impossible to not feel tortured when your present becomes incomplete. Your mind and heart almost becomes stuck between the two walls of present and future, and you can't see beyond that constraint. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I think that is where we find the struggle. Where forgetting the possible becomes impossible... it becomes so linked to the reality of "today."

Going off on a farther random tangent: I think this is were time becomes irrelevant. If you are unaware of my disbelief in time, then now you know. Your mind has no understanding of what was, what is, and what could have been, because the power within our hearts surpasses our ability to mentally construct time, linking all three categories of passion and feeling together. Erasing the lines that could have essentially separated the three time frames of relationship actions, unable to separate the reality from the possibility. Just my philosophy.

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I really should be getting back to my paper if I ever want to know what sleep feels like. This procrastination drains me. You would think I would learn by now.

Booked Face and Wit Twits

It's crazy how addictive our online personalities have gotten. Where, as human beings, we can't function without an online social network attached to us. I told Ashley to change my Facebook password in order for me to get through the rest of this summer's semester. I spend a great deal of my time online uploading pictures, commenting on other people's pictures, commenting on my friends' walls, commenting on their status, while uploading my status, while I keep logging in to check my news feed for other people's statuses, likes, dislikes, interests, relationship status, family updates, etc... It's become crazy.

I had jury duty last week, and while I was waiting in the jury pool to be called, I read a recent TIME article written in May 2010 about Facebook. In spite of our current invasion of privacy, especially as you read this blog, Facebook has reached approximately 500 million active profiles.

We have grown to become addicted to these social networking sites, and allow them to become these "private" outlets that temporarily grants us a celebrity like quality, while also giving us a space to "escape" into. I love it. I love the fact that I can keep in touch with family, friends, lovers, but I know that I have become addicted to Facebook, along with millions of others. Its very hard to imagine going online without checking our Facebook at some point during our internet browsing, almost as hard as imagining a world before cell phones.

So in order for me to finish this semester accordingly, I had to ask one of my best friends to change my password in order to finish this semester's work on time.

Pathetic. I'm kind of angry that I have to go to that extreme in order to eliminate my Facebook trigger. And you know what I did when I couldn't access my Facebook account? I created a Twitter account. To feed this procrastination, to ease this 'need to know' quest by stalking celebrities and their status. In one day I had 16 followers, and although that number fluctuates, Its incredible how quickly this next social network takes over. I'm sure normal people can handle a Facebook account and grad school, but I've developed this addictive tendency towards it that I can't.

So I'm thinking of officially deleting it soon. Force people to contact me through other means besides writing a little comment on my wall or picture. That doesn't make up for the missed phone calls, visits, letters and cards. If anything, it emphasizes what we've reduced our interactions to the brief sentences.

I want action. I want reality. Relationships aren't based on Facebook statuses, birthday parties happen with or without Facebook event pages, and babies are born with or without their parents posting pictures online. Life takes tangible moments, not online updates. I want your hands, I want to hear your voice, I want your investment.

Deletion may be coming soon. I'm there. I'm a phone call away. I'm a hug here. I'm a kiss near.

http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1990582,00.html - In case you wanted to read the article. It was very well written and entertaining to read.