Day 3

Day 3 - Your Parents

Okay, so whoever designed this clearly didn't think about the complications tied to who you consider your parents to be, especially coming from a divorced household. Thus, I will slightly change this to specifically write to my mom.

Momma,
My greatest fear is loosing you. Often times I get struck with the worst kind of anxiety thinking you might be in danger. Last year when I received a phone call informing me that you had been shot, I nearly died of a heart attack. I literally collapsed. Every ounce of fear, every imagined thought of loosing you, couldn't prepare me for the news I received that night. Chills still run through me remembering. I know many people worry about their parents' health and safety, but when I personally loose myself in the thought of somehow living without you, my heart drops and my lungs tighten. I don't think it is possible to live without you. In spite of the distance between me and you, you are indescribably close to me.
My only wish is to make you happy and proud to have sacrificed so much for me and Billy. I love you. Always and forever.

- Roach

Day 2

In spite of the major fuck up I did today, I figured I would just ignore it and indulge in my insomnia a bit longer.

Day 2 - My Crush
(this might end up being all over the place)

CG,

I know technically we are beyond the stage of 'crush', but you're the only person I'm fully attracted to and who I would want to be with. You have become one of my most recent highlights even with all the stress taking place in my life. I find myself thinking of you for the majority of the day and wishing to be with you a majority of the night. It was amazing to see you this weekend. Funny thing, I was really nervous picking you up from the airport. I wasn't sure if you had remembered what I looked like and if you would still find me as attractive as when we first re-met. I also get nervous when people watch me drive, so that didn't help calm my nerves driving you home. Although I was nervous at first, you proved to be everything I had anticipated... and more.
I looked into your eyes and I knew. Instantly our lips matched. All awkwardness faded away. I was the first person to notice your brown speck in your green left eye. You make me laugh. You make me care. You make me wonder. I especially enjoy all your nerdy glory... from Stargate to every online computer game you play.
Truth be told... although I maintained pretty strong demeanor while dropping you off at the airport yesterday morning, I literally bawled on the drive back home. I could look at my phone and see your name without feeling a pang of missing you. I wanted to wake up in your arms again, kiss you in the rain again, feel your smile press against mine. My heart felt so empty without you there.
I worry sometimes about this longing for you. If we decide to move forward with our relationship, I sometimes wonder if I can handle all these goodbyes. They will mark our relationship, and probably cause the greatest amount of continual sadness. In spite of all this worry, I truly believe we can make it. I can see us working out and making plans between us. I hope we can give it a legitimately exclusive chance at being in a relationship. I only want to be yours.
I miss you, and I'm happy that in the midst of our distance, I can still imaginatively feel you here. I can't wait to see in in 2 1/2 weeks. California has never felt so good. "BBbbbbbbyyyyyyeee....."

- #1 Kacomforter Katie

Day 1

Lauren,

You have been more of a best friend to me than I could have ever asked for. From Ern and my parents getting shot, to graduating and grad school, you have supported me in every difficulty and adventure I've gone on. I appreciate your advice and love, and I hope you know I respect you and am proud of you for every accomplishment you have ever achieved. THANK YOU for everything you have done for me. I know it can be difficult and frustrating to be a best friend to me, but I hope you know that I will always be there for you. You are the only person I want to spend 14+ hours in a car ride to North Carolina with. I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Katie

30 Day Challenge

So I stole this from a random blog I came across. It sounds interesting... so we'll see if I can keep up with it. I'll most likely end up spacing out the days... sue to time/internet constraints, but it should still prove to be fun. So the idea is that you're supposed to write a letter to each of these people on the specific day.

day 1 — your best friend
day 2 — your crush
day 3 — your parents
day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)
day 5 — your dreams
day 6 — a stranger
day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
day 8 — your favorite internet friend
day 9 — someone you wish you could meet
day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you
day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from
day 15 — the person you miss the most
day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
day 17 — someone from your childhood
day 18 — the person that you wish you could be
day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression
day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to
day 23 — the last person you kissed
day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to
day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 28 — someone that changed your life
day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
day 30 — your reflection in the mirror

Conflicting Conflicts

So A and R broke up. I think its for the better. He was growing to be such a douche... even to the point of being jealous of Ashley hanging out with me. She and I just spent an hour on the phone talking about it. I still feel bad for her. I know how shitty of a situation that can be, even hough she broke up with him.

For some random reason, I've started thinking about all the awkward things attached to breaking up that involve other people outside of the relationship. For example: Like all of the other person's friends that are still friends with you on Facebook, or how you're supposed to react to seeing the other person's friends in public initially after the break up.

I'm getting really nervous about Wednesday. I have a lot of anxiety attached to picking up CG from the airport. I keep asking people if I should park and pick him up or curbside pick him up, or if I should hug and kiss him when he arrives... although I probably won't because that precedent hasn't really been set. Plus I'll be wearing my Harry Potter t-shirt cause we'll be going dinner and off to see the new Harry Potter right after I pick him up... I have to remember to bring gum just in case.

On top of being nervous about Wednesday, I have new concerns regarding him. The closer I get to seeing him, the more I realize how far away California really is. I care about him, but I'm really not sure how feasible we really are. In turn, I think its causing him to be a bit more apprehensive about us. Not that I'm trying to say I mean more to him than what he's leading on to, but I sense him already trying to keep himself a bit distant, although I also sense him moving closer to me at the same time. I'm only saying this because normally we talk every night for at least an hour or so, but this weekend we only talked once Saturday night for an hour. Friday he was non-responsive to my text messages and subsequent call, claiming that he left his phone in a bad reception area in his house... which has never happened before. He finally responded, but he wasn't as warm as he normally is. Granted he called me later that night when he was walking to his car while he was hanging out with hi friends, but I still felt passed on. Very conflicting.

I think a lot of my concern stems from my previous relationship with Ern. With Ern, I always had this doubt in us because I was always nervous about feeling or thinking something more that what we technically were. He always held those technicalities against me, and in a way took advantage of my willingness to accept anything he gave me. I felt like I was walking on egg shells with him, fearful that at any moment my actions would've caused him to end things. As much as I had my faults, I just wanted Ern and I to be real. I wanted to work on making things easy between us, and I think if he hadn't broken things off we could've gotten to that point actually together. But maybe in actuality this separation has proven to be beneficial for us, because in some way, I feel like we've reached that level. As twisted as it sounds, we've expressed things to each other that he and I might not have been comfortable saying to each other before the break. I know he has a girlfriend, and I know its bad timing and I might be wrong for admitting this, but there has been an honest level of emotion that's been emerging between us that has been missing for a long time. I don't know what this means for us now, but I wish we could have reached this point awhile ago. I'm not saying we're perfect, or if we ever get back together we will be without fault, but its nice to have some sense of ease between us. I know it could have been better. I'm sure it may be better... although I may move to California ;)

I know I'm expressing very different emotions within this blog. I AM excited about Wednesday, but its hard to let go of the past.

CG & KM

I should prefix this conversation between CG and I...

Prior to meeting CG, I had been in love with a man named Ern (as you may have read from my many previously depressing posts). I believed Ern to be my One. I had this enormous amount of passion for him that I thought could never be duplicated for anyone else. We were complicated, twisted, in love, addicted, and each other's crutch. Somehow, we were our best friends and each other's most pitiful downfalls. He's broken my heart too many times.

Since our most recent separation, one that is marked by a three week hiatus of indifferent phone calls and misplaced love, I have had the pleasure of discovering CG.

About a month ago I re-met CG. He and I had grown up together, but had never dated, talked, or even exchanged glances. He's 2 years older, but we went to the same elementary school, junior high, high school, and even shared best friends that were brothers. Somehow we had never managed to cross paths.

In mid-October, I was invited to go 'Drink Around the World' (DATW) at Epcot in Disney World by one of my best-friends, Andy. Andy is the brother of CG's best friend, so lo-and-behold, CG joined the crew in drinking (mind you, a crew of over 300+).

When I first arrived, I had recognized CG, but figured he would've forgotten long ago about me, seeing as it had been almost 8 years since I had last remembered seeing him. Throughout the day, he and I exchanged glances, but nearly took all day to finally talk.

Now, I'm not sure if I can explain this well, but do you know what it feels like to instantly connect with someone? Share that moment where everything is silenced around you, and all that you can hear, think, or see is the person standing in front of you? This is what happened with CG and I.

Between the UK and Canada, CG and I got lost in each other's conversation for about 30 minutes. Briefly we had gone over recent life moments, including his accomplishment of a Bachelor's from the University of Michigan and my recent stint at graduate school. He also explained to me his current living situation - Irvine, California. Yes, California.

To divulge some private information about myself, I currently reside in Orlando, Florida. Yes, Florida.

CG and I became entranced by each other. I wanted to know more. I wanted to understand why I found him to be so endearing (aside from his gorgeous green eyes). My friend Tanya, who had accompanied me to DATW, kept urging me to go, seeing as CG and I were traveling around the world in different groups. He informed me that he was leaving the next morning which pushed our desire to talk even further. Unfortunately, our conversation was cut short, and although he tried to get my number, my dead phone battery was of no help. We separated, promising to use Andy's phone to get in contact before the night ended, in order to rekindle our conversation...

Turns out Andy's phone battery had also quit that night, leaving CG and I separated within the same city. Thanks to Facebook (which I find myself never saying), CG and I found each other. We weren't able to meet up before he left, but he and I have been talking since the say we separated. Although he's located over 2,000 miles away, he have been with each other hours on end almost every night. We talk all the time. If we're not talking we're texting. If my internet connection happens to work well, we Skype/Google Talk.

We like each other. We enjoy each other, but there are those miles of separation that have prevented him and I from giving in to an actual 'relationship'.

So the first thing that I've wanted to do with this blog, is to let whoever (whomever?) in on what I've been recently grappling with. Sometimes I cry thinking of how difficult its been to miss someone who I have never been within the vicinity of for more than 30 minutes. I wish he was here, and I wish I was there. I want to know what he feels like.

The second thing I hope to do with this post, is to include the most recent Skype conversation we had. I want to give you some insight on why I like him, and what he and I struggle with.

He's is the 1st person in a very long time that has instantly had me. I know he feels the same earning I do. I know he understands the uncertainty surrounding us. I just really hope he and I somehow give it a try. I want and need him.

[5:08:44 PM] KM: go to sleep mister

[5:08:48 PM] KM: ;)

[5:09:06 PM] CG: lol.

[5:09:09 PM] CG: got distrated

[5:09:14 PM] KM: by what?

[5:09:26 PM] CG: i dont take naps easy anyways

[5:09:29 PM] CG: just the internet

[5:09:37 PM] KM: porn huh?

[5:09:40 PM] KM: jk ;)

[5:09:53 PM] KMd: i want to take a nap now lol

[5:10:09 PM] KM: nap with me? hehe

[5:10:30 PM] CG: doesnt sound like we would be sleeping lol

[5:10:32 PM] CG: jk

[5:10:41 PM] KM: haha

[5:10:42 PM] KM: dream on

[5:10:50 PM] KM: oh dis

[5:11:19 PM] KM: i'm distrcted now too

[5:12:28 PM] CG: LOL

[5:12:37 PM] KM: lol?

[5:13:20 PM] CG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ3_-SbtOL0

[5:15:29 PM] KM: nice

[5:15:43 PM] KM: me gusta

[5:16:10 PM] CG: yeah i have it on loop right now

[5:16:49 PM] KM: its hypnotizing

[5:18:23 PM] KM: do you have any guilty pleasures?

[5:26:20 PM] CG: hmmm

[5:26:37 PM] CG: i dont really know...i just do what i like

[5:27:09 PM] CG: dont consider it a guilty pleasures cause i want to them without concequence

[5:27:16 PM] KM: for example: me watching America's Next Top Model?

[5:29:37 PM] CG: but if you like it why is it a guilt pleasure?

[5:32:54 PM] KM: eh.. cause its shitty reality tv lol

[5:35:31 PM] KM: i want to be on americas next top model, lol

[5:35:39 PM] KM: or an actress

[5:35:47 PM] CG: lol

[5:35:51 PM] CG: why?

[5:36:39 PM] KM: i don't know exactly why. I think it stems from when i was a kid. like the "ugly duckling syndrome"

[5:37:47 PM] KM: plus i think with acting it'd be cool to pretend to be someone else

[5:38:00 PM] CG: lol

[5:38:18 PM] KM: i just want to be pretty, lol

[5:38:20 PM] KM: jk

[5:38:51 PM] KM: i think i'm going to paint my nails

[5:38:58 PM] CG: what color?

[5:39:08 PM] KM: i think purple

[5:39:14 PM] KM: why, lol?

[5:40:01 PM] KM: sometimes i paint my nails many different colors at once

[5:40:04 PM] CG: just because?

[5:40:19 PM] CG: each one been different before? like each a diferent color

[5:40:30 PM] KM: haha yea

[5:41:15 PM] KM: sometimes i can't decide

[5:48:32 PM] KM: plus i've always wanted to be done up in make-up and fancy clothes lol

[5:49:05 PM] KM: weird

[5:53:34 PM] CG: LOL

[5:54:05 PM] KM: like a girly girl

[5:54:09 PM] KM: :)

[5:54:47 PM] KM: what are you up to now? trying to nap? lol

[5:55:16 PM] CG: listening to music mostly

[5:55:17 PM] CG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9sGd-JLvNA

[5:55:24 PM] CG: i love the solo

[5:55:36 PM] CG: you can just skip to 4:30 if you want to hear ir

[5:57:12 PM] KM: haha yeaa

[5:57:20 PM] KM: i like classic

[5:57:24 PM] KM: rock

[5:57:59 PM] KM: but i'm more of a fan of the eagles than skynard

[5:58:17 PM] KM: although i know you'll probably make fun of me for that lol

[5:58:38 PM] CG: not all...im more of fan anything with good solos

[5:58:58 PM] CG: doesnt matter who

[6:00:32 PM] KM: coolio

[6:00:59 PM] KM: this genre reminds me of my dad. its all the music he used to play when we would drive aywhere.

[6:01:04 PM] KM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km4-eKvv3EM

[6:02:48 PM] KM: its fun

[6:03:51 PM] CG: not a bad song

[6:04:36 PM] KM: eh, its the doobie brothers so its light

[6:04:46 PM] KM: lol i almost types boobie brothers

[6:04:52 PM] KM: typed*

[6:06:42 PM] CG: LOL

[6:06:55 PM] KM: boobie brothers?

[6:06:56 PM] KM: lol

[6:08:06 PM] KM: i took a photography class at fiu a few years ago

[6:08:12 PM] KM: black & white

[6:09:02 PM] CG: and?

[6:09:12 PM] KM: i loved it

[6:09:23 PM] KM: watching americas next top model reminds me of it

[6:09:26 PM] KM: lol thats all

[6:09:29 PM] KM: geez

[6:09:52 PM] CG: lol i was just getting context lol

[6:10:01 PM] KM: you should see some of my work

[6:10:03 PM] KM: ;)

[6:10:04 PM] KM: lol

[6:10:29 PM] KM: that sounds like a pick up line

[6:11:14 PM] KM: "you should see some of my work" ;)

[6:21:46 PM] KM: i can make you my new subject booooiiii lol

[6:22:09 PM] CG: lol

[6:22:26 PM] CG: i dont do full nudes though

[6:22:56 PM] KM: partial nudes?

[6:23:24 PM] CG: maybe a shoulder

[6:24:01 PM] KM: i'll just superimpose your face on someone else's body lol

[6:24:26 PM] CG: fine put on radcliffes body...

[6:24:34 PM] KM: haha! sexy!

[6:24:39 PM] KM: jealoussssss....

[6:24:42 PM] KM: ;)

[6:24:43 PM] KM: lol

[6:25:05 PM] KM: we can take pictures together lol

[6:25:10 PM] KM: hiyo

[6:28:55 PM] KM: jk

[6:51:31 PM] CG: hi!!!

[6:51:34 PM] CG: that is all

[6:54:16 PM] KM: do you think its weird

[6:54:18 PM] KM: ?

[6:54:24 PM] CG: what is?

[6:54:31 PM] KM: us?

[6:55:00 PM] CG: nope

[6:55:06 PM] CG: i would rather be wierd than normal

[6:55:44 PM] KM: i wish you were here

[6:56:29 PM] CG: yeah....

[6:57:14 PM] KM: i just did some laundry :)

[6:58:01 PM] KM: one of my favorite feelings is laying in a bed with freshly clean sheets

[6:58:27 PM] KM: i didn't mean 'i wish you were hear' in a bad way

[6:58:33 PM] KM: if you took it that way

[6:58:33 PM] CG: yeah i know

[6:59:05 PM] KM: are you upset?

[6:59:41 PM] CG: no just pondering...which i know is not a good thing to do lol

[6:59:51 PM] KM: about?

[7:00:40 PM] CG: the same stuff...but thats depressing lol

[7:01:58 PM] CG: cause i dont want to bring you down either

[7:02:41 PM] KM: i know

[7:03:06 PM] KM: you don't bring me down

[7:03:35 PM] KM: i kinda think about it regardless if you remind me or not, lol

[7:03:42 PM] CG: lol

[7:04:15 PM] KM: can i be honest with you?

[7:04:20 PM] CG: yeah

[7:04:28 PM] CG: you know you can always

[7:05:51 PM] KM: i asked you do you think we're weird because i find myself missing you even though we've never been in the same vicinity of each other for more than 20 mins.

[7:05:56 PM] KM: and...

[7:06:17 PM] KM: i like it. i like you

[7:06:52 PM] KM: i guess its just a bit weird to like someone 2500 miles away

[7:07:04 PM] KM: for me at least, cause i've never been in this situation before

[7:07:17 PM] KM: sorry if that was a lot

[7:07:19 PM] KM: :/

[7:08:11 PM] KM: i didn't mean i like the distance when i said 'i like it' before. i just meant that i like liking you, lol

[7:10:20 PM] CG: ...im not ignoring you...im just thinking

[7:10:49 PM] CG: and i like you too...just ive never been in this situation before...and it looms on me

[7:11:00 PM] CG: every now and then

[7:12:20 PM] KM: yea

[7:13:05 PM] KM: i'm happy we'll get to see each other over thanksgiving

[7:13:42 PM] KM: i know i've said this before, but maybe we should try not to think about it/not make any decisions until then?

[7:13:55 PM] CG: and i totally agree

[7:14:05 PM] CG: just easier said then done

[7:14:25 PM] KM: yea, same here

[7:19:06 PM] KM: i'm sorry

[7:21:07 PM] CG: you have nothing to be sorry about

[7:21:42 PM] KM: fyi, i don't think its impossible

[7:24:49 PM] KM: but i'm sure it woud be difficult

[7:25:27 PM] CG: yeah i agree..i know its not impossible..i just dont know how emotionally i would be able to handle it

[7:26:16 PM] KM: what do you mean?

[7:32:23 PM] KM: hey, i'm heading out jogging

[7:32:50 PM] CG: sorry i wasnt more communicative

[7:33:02 PM] CG: just thinking lol

[7:35:06 PM] KM: no its ok. i know we're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place (for lack of a better cliche). but there's not much more we can do right now besides waiting and seeing what thanksgiving break brings us, i guess.

[7:35:28 PM] CG: and im all about that

[7:35:48 PM] KM: alright then

[7:35:56 PM] KM: i'll talk to you later alligator

[7:36:16 PM] CG: lol....go like a fetus and head out

[7:36:38 PM] KM: i was actully born feet first/sunny side up fyi

[7:36:47 PM] CG: LOL

[7:36:49 PM] CG: wow

[7:36:52 PM] KM: both kinda work now i guess

[7:37:14 PM] KM: yea my mom had to have a c section cause the cord was also around my neck

[7:37:24 PM] CG: LOL

[7:37:27 PM] CG: problem child

[7:37:33 PM] KMd: seriously

[7:37:36 PM] KM: from the beginning

[7:37:37 PM] KM: ok

[7:37:42 PM] KM: bbbyyyyyeeeee

[7:37:48 PM] CG: byyyyyyyyeeeeeeee

[7:37:49 PM] KM: what time are you heading out?

[7:37:59 PM] CG: hour and a half

[7:38:10 PM] KM: okie dokie

[7:38:37 PM] KM: try to enjoy :)

[7:38:45 PM] CG: i will lol

[7:38:52 PM] KG: k, bye again

[7:39:26 PM] CG: buh bye

Whisper

What if this was you? How would you try to explain everything? How would you get me to pick up the phone? What kind of man lets love slip away... to leave such a good thing behind? How would you ask me to come back to you? Could you let yourself whisper? Ern?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WH23NN5iuwY

Rice Dreams

For a second I got sad today. I thought of how you and I are forgetting each other. I think before, when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I wasn't necessarily conscious of the fact that we were forgetting each other. This time its different. This time I am completely aware that someday I will be a passing thought, if I am not so already.

I'm not particularly mad, but sometimes thinking that way makes me sad.

When we last talked about it, I knew then that we were slowly forgetting each other. I couldn't remember how you felt, how you kissed, how you smiled at me as if I could be yours. You have been gone for too long, even though you've kinda have been there all along. I've been wondering when you might call me, and unsurprisingly you never do. Its not like I expect you to. I'm just aware that you haven't.

Part of me wants you to call me so I can tell you to leave me alone:

"This time it is me. I am leaving you. I've been alone for so long that my mind can't conceive the possibility or idea of you and I anymore. Its hard to remember how to love you.

And I get angry at you for the doubt you have instilled in me. You will never know or understand how sad you I've been. No matter how many verses I have dedicated to you, the breaking of my heart is still a sound you can never hear.

I'm gone. I am leaving you this time. Whether your strength is a reality or not doesn't matter. No longer will I be there to answer your future calls. No longer will I wait for you to decide on me. Inconsistencies have caused me to want to forget you. Reduce you to a passing thought. It was never real. I excused you too many times, and I deserve better. You already knew that. You know that no matter how hard you and I could have worked on us, it would have never been the same. Face reality. You will never see me again. You and I will never speak to each other again. I will fly to the farthest reaches of the Earth and leave your memory behind. The day I forget you will be the day I will be happy. Our happiness happened so long ago. You broke everything. You ruined everything. You failed. I grew, I matured, I loved. What did you do? What did you sacrifice? What was real? I'm not sure what was real. I was living in a nightmare where I wasn't sure if you really existed, yet somehow you continued to hurt me. What did I do to deserve this? Why didn't I get the same level of respect you gave to your previous girlfriends. Why have I been the exception you choose to hurt? Why me? How could you? There's no love between us. I wish you would've picked someone else. I wish someone else could have kissed you on Black Friday. How appropriate. I will now follow you into the unknown."

-------------------------

Clearly I'm imagining you caring somewhere. I can see you reading this entry. Do you doubt me? Are you purposely going to ignore me to test my strength. You always test me. I am never enough.

I don't care if I am alone. I don't care if I never find anyone else. All I care about is being fine without you. All I did was love you, and all you did was pretend. If it was real, then why can't I believe you?

Congratulations.

I'm sure you're happy with all this.

Drank Around the World

Twenty minutes caught me.

Caught you.

Instant.

I suddenly wished you were sitting across from me.

I pictured you smiling, and it made me miss you more.

Sometimes its painful.

The ache I have for you is unlike the ache I've had before.

I want to feel what you feel like.

Disconnect from the time zones that keep us apart.

I want to press my face to yours, holding my breath for the first time with you.

I want nothing more than to take you.

Take me away from here.

I dream of us smiling together.

I've never been one to believe.

I've never been one to let go,

but you are.

You are what I want to make sense.

You are my joy.

You are what I have been waiting for.

You are what I could wait for.

You are what I am waiting for.

Let us go.

Zombie.

Although they've never touched,

my hands miss yours.

If I could have your thoughts...

If you could have my heart?

California dreaming.