How can I embrace the thought of you and someone else?
How can I let my heart understand you and the words that hurt so much?
I sobbed the entire way home.
The moment I left your driveway I broke down.
I couldn't see, breath, think.
It hurts so bad.
To not be the one you want to kiss.
To not be the one you want to share your thoughts with.
To loose a best friend,
to loose a lover.
These thoughts overwhelm me as I imagine your face, your warmth, your hands.
Images of us fly by... and pass me.
If I'm not enough...
What is so wrong with me?
What is so unimaginably vile that you can't picture a life with me simply as yours?
How is that so bad?
How is it so wrong?
That you would wish someone else to be in your arms.
That you would make chocolate chip pancakes with someone else standing in your kitchen.
That you would wake up to someone else's smile.
You'd take that all away from me.
Take your smile, your eyes, your self.
I wish I knew how to make you happy.
I would sacrifice my every being to make you smile, to make you at ease, to make you sense satisfaction and compassion.
I've lost the hope.
You've burnt my heart to stone.
I can't think without my body wanting to collapse.
I collapse every second.
I break apart.
What am I to do now?
Sit. Smile. Repeat?
Make you happy by keeping myself in tune with your offertory of friendship?
What really was our friendship?
You separate me from the entirety of your life.
What friend treats their friends the way that you treat me?
Who would allow someone to suffer within every context of our situation?
No call.
No visit.
No concern.
Where are you when I worry?
When I cry?
Yet, I am punished for caring the way I do.
I get ridiculed for feeling the way I do.
It must be some sick joke for me to care about someone who could care less if I loved them.
I dreamed of the day when you would one day see me with an ounce of insight into how I see you, but instead you turn completely in the other direction.
Would you be there even if you wanted to?
If you realized the grass was actually brown on the other side, and mine had always been green.
Does pride conquer your heart?
Are you too proud to ever admit and realize I have been here all along?
Never would you renege.
Never would your heart admit defeat.
Maybe I can't seem to capture that sacrifice.
The realization that love takes questioning, love takes struggle, love takes patience.
Love takes.
But love gives.
Love directs the embraces.
Directs the fears, doubts, questions.
Love directs the answers.
What is our answer?
What will we do now?
What will I do now?
Sit, wait, wish?
I've been wishing for too long.
Will I wish much longer?
You are one sweet love.
One that I would follow for a lifetime,
to become the person you would come home to.
My grass will always be greener.
If you want, my heart may always be yours.
Yours.
I can't continue.
My memory is cruel.
Eyes wide shut, wide open.
It could all be so simple, but WE rather make it hard.
Move on as you wish to?
Move on as you wish to.
Move on as I wish to?
Move on as I wish to.
__________________________________________________________
I know you're reading this. This isn't fair for me.
The other night when I picked you up from Underground Blues, you said something that struck me, and I couldn't quite place my finger on it until now. You said, "You're too good to me, but I treat you so bad. I know you feel bad."
It may have been the alcohol and because you probably had read my other journal/blog posts, and can tell that I suffer when you are gone. But since this morning, what you said sends off a different message.
I know I jump quickly to conclusions, and although you merely mentioned being interested in setting aside our physical relationship to clear your mind for the possibility of entertaining a relationship with someone else...
Ok, I'm unable to continue that sentence. It hurts me so much. It hurts me inside to think of a vague someone else.
I just feel like a true idiot. To think that I had hope still after everything we had gone through, everything you had already told me. I listened to every word you said about us not being affectionate for the betterment of 'us', but I still wished on some shitty shooting star that you might actually want to be with me for a change.
I guess that why it hurts so much because all the hoping and wishing left me even further empty handed. And although I figured the worst was inevitable, I still felt every one of your kisses as if they were mine. I believed that underneath your every desire to let me go, there was a stronger desire to keep me. But it feels like more than just letting go, it feels like you pushing me away.
I can't be around you if you decide to openly date someone else. I struggled just to type that sentence, so I can't imagine how I would feel seeing you in a separate relationship.
I wish this was easier for both of us. That I didn't have to suffer, and you didn't have to feel responsible, at least not for this kind of suffering.
To be honest, I suffer constantly for you, and I would constantly suffer for you. But this pain I can't handle. I can't know you would rather explore the vast regions of distant relationships, than spend your evenings with me.
And this kind of thinking always makes me wonder my worth to you. Meaning, what is it worth for me to be in your life? What would you be sacrificing to go explore with other girls? What would you truly be loosing if I disappeared? Is it worth loosing me?
Because I would wait. As I said before, I would essentially participate in the beauty pageant even if I was the ugliest girl to show up, because for you Ern, I would always show up.
I would tread water for a lifetime to be yours.
I've thought about this today. I figured that if you are legitimately/exclusively dating someone else, I can't be around. I ask you to understand because I don't know how I ever would be able to handle that, and although I am a strong woman, I'm not that strong.
If you are casually dating other people, than keep me as however you want to. If you want to sleep next to me, if you want to go somewhere and eat dinner then watch a movie (I promise to stay up!), or simply anything, then keep me, call me, like me. I'll still compete in the pageant. Just don't lie to me, and don't tell me anything regarding your 'dating life.'
Also, don't throw us away. If you happen to decide I may be everything you want and need (I guess a girl can still hope), tell me. Dry my tears and hug me. Tell me that I am enough, if not more than enough, so we could just be.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Leap and the Net Will Appear
Ahh... it was so nice to see Hulu make a Jason Mraz special with all his music videos and new live performances.
His voice... indescribable.
'won't you hang around, so the sun can shine on me, and the clouds they can roll away, and the sky can become possibilities.'
*sigh* love Love LOVE his music.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
You know, I thought by now, I would learn how to not procrastinate. I'd be so grateful for the opprotunity to be in graduate school, I would jump at the moment I could do any work. Yet, here I am, procrastinating again, loosing focus on my studies. It pisses me off that I feel like I need to check facebook, play solitaire, check cnn.com. I should want to get things done A.S.A.P. instead of last minute. I feel like such a bad grad student. Boo
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So poor.... so poor. I need to come up with some serious cash. Car payment, Rent, utilities, phone, school books, food.... Dammit.
Random, but I used/still think that I would make a great escort. I'm not saying I want to be a prostitute, sex wouldn't be necessary (unless he's cute... jk, if he's cute he wouldn't need an escort), but I know I'm great company, and when I dress up, I dress well. So I think I would be a great escort for anyone who needed a date for a special evening or event. That way I could make great money and not have to work as a damn server.
===================================================================
Luckily my roommates got me a Target giftcard so I can now buy some groceries... 1st time in 2 months. Damn
His voice... indescribable.
'won't you hang around, so the sun can shine on me, and the clouds they can roll away, and the sky can become possibilities.'
*sigh* love Love LOVE his music.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
You know, I thought by now, I would learn how to not procrastinate. I'd be so grateful for the opprotunity to be in graduate school, I would jump at the moment I could do any work. Yet, here I am, procrastinating again, loosing focus on my studies. It pisses me off that I feel like I need to check facebook, play solitaire, check cnn.com. I should want to get things done A.S.A.P. instead of last minute. I feel like such a bad grad student. Boo
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So poor.... so poor. I need to come up with some serious cash. Car payment, Rent, utilities, phone, school books, food.... Dammit.
Random, but I used/still think that I would make a great escort. I'm not saying I want to be a prostitute, sex wouldn't be necessary (unless he's cute... jk, if he's cute he wouldn't need an escort), but I know I'm great company, and when I dress up, I dress well. So I think I would be a great escort for anyone who needed a date for a special evening or event. That way I could make great money and not have to work as a damn server.
===================================================================
Luckily my roommates got me a Target giftcard so I can now buy some groceries... 1st time in 2 months. Damn
Monday, January 18, 2010
"Revelry" - Kings of Leon
What a night for a dance,
You know I'm a dancing machine.
Put a fire in my bones
With the sweet taste of kerosene.
I get lost in the night,
So high, I don't want to come down
To face the loss of the good thing that I found.
In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name.
With the hardest of hearts, I still feel full of pain.
So I drink and I smoke
And I ask if you're ever around.
Even though it was me
Who drove us right in the ground.
See, the time we shared
It was precious to me.
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry.
Born to run, baby, run like a stream down a mountainside.
With the wind at my back, I don't ever even bat an eye.
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart.
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start.
So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry.
Dreaming of revelry
And I told myself, boy away you go,
It rained so hard it felt like snow.
Everything came tumbling down on me. In the back of the woods, in dark of the night, the paleness of the old moonlight.
Everything just felt so incomplete.
Dreaming of revelry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZyGWg0uqkw
You know I'm a dancing machine.
Put a fire in my bones
With the sweet taste of kerosene.
I get lost in the night,
So high, I don't want to come down
To face the loss of the good thing that I found.
In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name.
With the hardest of hearts, I still feel full of pain.
So I drink and I smoke
And I ask if you're ever around.
Even though it was me
Who drove us right in the ground.
See, the time we shared
It was precious to me.
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry.
Born to run, baby, run like a stream down a mountainside.
With the wind at my back, I don't ever even bat an eye.
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart.
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start.
So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry.
Dreaming of revelry
And I told myself, boy away you go,
It rained so hard it felt like snow.
Everything came tumbling down on me. In the back of the woods, in dark of the night, the paleness of the old moonlight.
Everything just felt so incomplete.
Dreaming of revelry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZyGWg0uqkw
Earlobes
I'm the best when it comes to procrastination. Which sucks. I wish I had more drive in me to do things right off the bat, instead of waiting until the last minute to finish something. Even now... here I am procrastinating.
I worked a double yesterday at the restaurant, and I'm exhausted. Its horrible. After working for so long, you need a day to recover physically and mentally. After awhile there everything starts blurring. The people, the food, your co-workers.
When I got home I couldn't even sleep. I wanted to get out, move, talk to people, but it was 2:30am, so no one would've answered. I get antsy after work, even though I'm exhausted. I can't go right to sleep.
So I watched the latest SNL episode on Hulu and finally fell asleep around 3:30am. Instead of sleeping in, which I wish I had, I woke up on my own at 8:46am, and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I know some of it is due to all the stress on my mind, but I can't trace any further reasoning.
Random thought.
When I was a kid, I used to love it when my mom would clean my ears with a Q-tip. It used to feel so good when she would pull my ear and swab the inner and outer ear clean of all the dirt and wax. She would lay my head on her lap, turn my head, the pull and swab. I was just cleaning my ears now, and I just thought about her. I used to also like it when she would put earrings into my pierced ears. It just felt good to have her do this for me. She would massage my earlobes before putting them in/taking them out, then try and get it correctly into the piercing.
I know, its so strange to be thinking of this now.
________________
Sigh, sigh, sigh.
I worked a double yesterday at the restaurant, and I'm exhausted. Its horrible. After working for so long, you need a day to recover physically and mentally. After awhile there everything starts blurring. The people, the food, your co-workers.
When I got home I couldn't even sleep. I wanted to get out, move, talk to people, but it was 2:30am, so no one would've answered. I get antsy after work, even though I'm exhausted. I can't go right to sleep.
So I watched the latest SNL episode on Hulu and finally fell asleep around 3:30am. Instead of sleeping in, which I wish I had, I woke up on my own at 8:46am, and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I know some of it is due to all the stress on my mind, but I can't trace any further reasoning.
Random thought.
When I was a kid, I used to love it when my mom would clean my ears with a Q-tip. It used to feel so good when she would pull my ear and swab the inner and outer ear clean of all the dirt and wax. She would lay my head on her lap, turn my head, the pull and swab. I was just cleaning my ears now, and I just thought about her. I used to also like it when she would put earrings into my pierced ears. It just felt good to have her do this for me. She would massage my earlobes before putting them in/taking them out, then try and get it correctly into the piercing.
I know, its so strange to be thinking of this now.
________________
Sigh, sigh, sigh.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
One Minute Love - Camden Reinhardt Becker
Heather had her baby!
Camden Reinhardt Becker was born at 8:47am on January 15, 2010. He weighed 7 pds, 13 ounces, and was 20 1/2 inches long. He is the most adorable new born I have ever seen. Most newborns look like squishy aliens, but Camden is gorgeous. His face is the cutest. Instant love.
Heather's original due date was set for January 20, 2010. During a routine check-up about 3 months ago, the doctor pushed her due date up to January 14, 2010, almost a week ahead. I knew Phil (Engel) was going to be in Iraq by the time the baby would be due, so I immediately took off the 14th, 15th, 16th of January to be on call so I could head down to South Florida and be there, in case Heather would give birth on either of those dates.
Thursday afternoon (14th), I decided to ride my bike for the 1st time to school, which is about 3 miles away from my house. I got to school around 2 and proceeded to hang out with some fellow students who are in my program. I knew Heather had a doctor's appointment that day to see how dialated she was, so we could estimate when she would actually go into labor.
I was sitting our department's lounge, and I received a text message from Heather. She informed me that the appointment is going well, and that I shouldn't worry about heading down to South Florida any time soon because she had only dialated half a centimeter, and figured it wouldn't be another week until she gave birth. So I continued to socialize with my classmates.
No less than 5 minutes later, I receive a phone call from Heather, telling me that the doctor didn't like the breathing rate of the baby, and was planning to induce labor 8pm that night. I was in complete disbelief.
After rushing down from Orlando, I met up Heather, Heather's mom, Melanie, Heather's Dad, Jan, and Heather's sister, Missy, who were all at the hospital, who had just began having her labor induced. Even after multiple steps were taken to induce Heather's labor, nothing was allowing her to dialate. Although she was having constant contractions, she still had only dialated to 2 centimeters by early morning. At around 3am, nurses at the hospital kicked me, Missy, and her dad out, explaining to us that at her rate, Heather wouldn't be giving birth until late afternoon, so we should go home and get some rest. We left the hopital, and slept at Heather's parents' house.
Lo and behold, at 7:30 am, we receive a call from Heather's aunt, Chita, who told us that the baby had turned sideways in Heather's belly, and that they were going to attempt an emergency C-section now. Immediately startled at the news, Chita comes over to pick Missy and I up so we could hurry to the hospital. Right as we got there, they were wheeling Camden into the nursery.
By 8:48am, we all fell in love.
Camden Reinhardt Becker was born at 8:47am on January 15, 2010. He weighed 7 pds, 13 ounces, and was 20 1/2 inches long. He is the most adorable new born I have ever seen. Most newborns look like squishy aliens, but Camden is gorgeous. His face is the cutest. Instant love.
Heather's original due date was set for January 20, 2010. During a routine check-up about 3 months ago, the doctor pushed her due date up to January 14, 2010, almost a week ahead. I knew Phil (Engel) was going to be in Iraq by the time the baby would be due, so I immediately took off the 14th, 15th, 16th of January to be on call so I could head down to South Florida and be there, in case Heather would give birth on either of those dates.
Thursday afternoon (14th), I decided to ride my bike for the 1st time to school, which is about 3 miles away from my house. I got to school around 2 and proceeded to hang out with some fellow students who are in my program. I knew Heather had a doctor's appointment that day to see how dialated she was, so we could estimate when she would actually go into labor.
I was sitting our department's lounge, and I received a text message from Heather. She informed me that the appointment is going well, and that I shouldn't worry about heading down to South Florida any time soon because she had only dialated half a centimeter, and figured it wouldn't be another week until she gave birth. So I continued to socialize with my classmates.
No less than 5 minutes later, I receive a phone call from Heather, telling me that the doctor didn't like the breathing rate of the baby, and was planning to induce labor 8pm that night. I was in complete disbelief.
After rushing down from Orlando, I met up Heather, Heather's mom, Melanie, Heather's Dad, Jan, and Heather's sister, Missy, who were all at the hospital, who had just began having her labor induced. Even after multiple steps were taken to induce Heather's labor, nothing was allowing her to dialate. Although she was having constant contractions, she still had only dialated to 2 centimeters by early morning. At around 3am, nurses at the hospital kicked me, Missy, and her dad out, explaining to us that at her rate, Heather wouldn't be giving birth until late afternoon, so we should go home and get some rest. We left the hopital, and slept at Heather's parents' house.
Lo and behold, at 7:30 am, we receive a call from Heather's aunt, Chita, who told us that the baby had turned sideways in Heather's belly, and that they were going to attempt an emergency C-section now. Immediately startled at the news, Chita comes over to pick Missy and I up so we could hurry to the hospital. Right as we got there, they were wheeling Camden into the nursery.
By 8:48am, we all fell in love.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
And So It Is...
When my first boyfriend and I broke up, Damien Rice really helped me heal.
At the time I was going through major changes along with the heartbreak. I had given up on living in Gainesville and moved back to Miami into my father's house, and was left alone by many of my friends and relatives to wallow in my sadness.
I had never lived with my dad before, and with my new found heartbreak, I began adjusting to a new lonely kind of life. I didn't have friends down south, they all had moved away for school, I wasn't going to school, so I struggled meeting new people, and I was working at Publix with a bunch of old people, so most of my time was spent alone, left to grieve my many losses.
I thought my world was over with the loss of my first boyfriend. For awhile I couldn't understand why we had broken up, and how someone who had told me I'd be the mother of his children, could then tell me he was leaving. Granted we were 17 and 18, so there was a sense of innocent youth attached to us, but my world was shook without him. I couldn't breath, I couldn't eat, and each and every thought contained some kind of notion of him.
At the same time, the movie Closer came out, and Damien Rice (who is all over the movie's soundtrack), exploded onto the scene with his album 'O.' I remember the first time I had ever heard one of his songs. I was sitting in my dad's living room watching Vh1 videos before work, and Rice's video for 'Blower's Daughter' came on. It caught my ear the moment I heard it, and brought me to tears instantly. It was such a relief to hear a song that seemed to capture the utter sadness I was feeling.
Soon I bought his album, and began to soak myself entirely into it. From January (my first boyfriend and I broke up in late November, and stopped talking in Decemberish) to early summer, I had Rice's album 'O' on repeat. Over and over again I listened to his music and grieved my lost love. I endured the loneliest time of my life. Rice was angry, I was angry. Rice was missing, I felt lost, He loved someone who was gone, I loved someone who would never be mine again.
Damien Rice gave me the important grieving period I needed to help me move on from what was lost. Through all the tears, journal entries, and many walks alone, Rice and I relieved ourselves from the misery that surely would have stayed longer had I not submerged myself into the grief.
Overtime, the heartache lessened. Granted my next actual boyfriend wouldn't actually appear for another four years, but I was able to date again.
As I struggle now with another sense of loss, Damien Rice breaks back onto my scene. I am brought back to wistful March days when I would lay on my bed, allowing my tears to stain the pillows as I grieved the loneliness attached to my first boyfriend.
What inspired me to write this blog entry was hearing one of Rice's newer songs, 'Unplayed Piano' as I was making chocolate chip pancakes this morning. I had my itunes opened on shuffle to play music while I cooked, and as Rice's song played, a distant ache resurfaced. The ache that I thought had eased as Rice and I grieved long ago, came back with a sudden attack on my heart and mind. As I began hearing his familiar tune, soon memories of him and I swirled.
Again I am understanding the lyrics and melodies that capture my heart's tangles. They express my tears in words that help to reveal the sudden pain of loosing someone I love. Granted it is under different circumstances, and he and I are in an altogether different situation than what my first boyfriend and I were in, but the feeling is similar. If anything, the struggle to relieve myself from the grief is even more intense.
Even though many people criticize Rice's music as being too depressing to enjoy, it takes someone who is just as bitterly depressed to appreciate the lyrical composition of his music. Damien Rice gives anyone who is listening, the ability to revel in their misery, express their parallel situations through song, and intensify the brilliancy of every memory of that lost person, in order to understand better their attachment to their sudden loss of love.
I believe he isn't lost, but I can't help myself relating again to Rice's melody. The violin's strings pull me back, and emotionally bring me back to the same bed, left there alone again to shed another tear for another one I loved.
"The Blowers Daughter"
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new
At the time I was going through major changes along with the heartbreak. I had given up on living in Gainesville and moved back to Miami into my father's house, and was left alone by many of my friends and relatives to wallow in my sadness.
I had never lived with my dad before, and with my new found heartbreak, I began adjusting to a new lonely kind of life. I didn't have friends down south, they all had moved away for school, I wasn't going to school, so I struggled meeting new people, and I was working at Publix with a bunch of old people, so most of my time was spent alone, left to grieve my many losses.
I thought my world was over with the loss of my first boyfriend. For awhile I couldn't understand why we had broken up, and how someone who had told me I'd be the mother of his children, could then tell me he was leaving. Granted we were 17 and 18, so there was a sense of innocent youth attached to us, but my world was shook without him. I couldn't breath, I couldn't eat, and each and every thought contained some kind of notion of him.
At the same time, the movie Closer came out, and Damien Rice (who is all over the movie's soundtrack), exploded onto the scene with his album 'O.' I remember the first time I had ever heard one of his songs. I was sitting in my dad's living room watching Vh1 videos before work, and Rice's video for 'Blower's Daughter' came on. It caught my ear the moment I heard it, and brought me to tears instantly. It was such a relief to hear a song that seemed to capture the utter sadness I was feeling.
Soon I bought his album, and began to soak myself entirely into it. From January (my first boyfriend and I broke up in late November, and stopped talking in Decemberish) to early summer, I had Rice's album 'O' on repeat. Over and over again I listened to his music and grieved my lost love. I endured the loneliest time of my life. Rice was angry, I was angry. Rice was missing, I felt lost, He loved someone who was gone, I loved someone who would never be mine again.
Damien Rice gave me the important grieving period I needed to help me move on from what was lost. Through all the tears, journal entries, and many walks alone, Rice and I relieved ourselves from the misery that surely would have stayed longer had I not submerged myself into the grief.
Overtime, the heartache lessened. Granted my next actual boyfriend wouldn't actually appear for another four years, but I was able to date again.
As I struggle now with another sense of loss, Damien Rice breaks back onto my scene. I am brought back to wistful March days when I would lay on my bed, allowing my tears to stain the pillows as I grieved the loneliness attached to my first boyfriend.
What inspired me to write this blog entry was hearing one of Rice's newer songs, 'Unplayed Piano' as I was making chocolate chip pancakes this morning. I had my itunes opened on shuffle to play music while I cooked, and as Rice's song played, a distant ache resurfaced. The ache that I thought had eased as Rice and I grieved long ago, came back with a sudden attack on my heart and mind. As I began hearing his familiar tune, soon memories of him and I swirled.
Again I am understanding the lyrics and melodies that capture my heart's tangles. They express my tears in words that help to reveal the sudden pain of loosing someone I love. Granted it is under different circumstances, and he and I are in an altogether different situation than what my first boyfriend and I were in, but the feeling is similar. If anything, the struggle to relieve myself from the grief is even more intense.
Even though many people criticize Rice's music as being too depressing to enjoy, it takes someone who is just as bitterly depressed to appreciate the lyrical composition of his music. Damien Rice gives anyone who is listening, the ability to revel in their misery, express their parallel situations through song, and intensify the brilliancy of every memory of that lost person, in order to understand better their attachment to their sudden loss of love.
I believe he isn't lost, but I can't help myself relating again to Rice's melody. The violin's strings pull me back, and emotionally bring me back to the same bed, left there alone again to shed another tear for another one I loved.
"The Blowers Daughter"
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Nameless
I just feel like a fool. I've been struggling adjusting to being whatever we are, because I understand that we fit in an entirely alternative category. We don't fit in the boyfriend/girlfriend category, don't fit as friends with benefits, and don't fit the just friends category.
Now when I say struggling, I mean struggling. I wish with all my heart to be with him, in that boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. But I accept his desire to not want to be in a relationship, and settle for the best available option, which is what we are now. I love being with him, and for the most part our current, nameless situation is great. We get to enjoy each other emotionally, physically, and mentally, without needing to adhere to any certain label or responsibilities.
But last night struck me hard.
I had been trying to get in touch with him for the last 2 days, since I got back from Chicago, and to no avail, he was unresponsive. As I tried calling him again yesterday, my calls began going straight to voicemail. The last time my calls went straight to voicemail, he was sitting in a jail cell. On top of feeling responsible for him ending up in jail, I was literally worried something horrible had happened to him. We hadn't talked in over a week, so I wasn't sure what happened to him. Worried, I drove to his place to make sure he was okay.
Lo and behold, I discovered him there... with a girl.
Granted when I pulled up and saw another car there, I wasn't sure who it may have been. I just wanted to see him, and make sure he was ok. He scared the hell out of me. So even though I saw another car in the front, I knocked anyway.
When he opened the door, a mixture of emotions took over me, similar to the ones that took hold of me when he was released from jail. I sighed, slightly wanted to punch him but hugged him instead, and thanked God he was okay. As I hugged him, I glanced through the doorway to notice a girl sitting on his couch. Instantly my heart dropped.
Now, I understand we are both single. I get it. We have the freedom to entertain anyone we choose. Since he and I officially broke up (a long time ago, I might add), I honestly have attempted to date a few other people. So essentially I have no right to feel the way I do, although I'm sure he wouldn't get the same feeling as I do if he were to find out that I might be dating someone else.
But those people that I have attempted to date couldn't hold a candle to him. And I honestly tried to make it work with them. I avoided him when the other and I were dating, gave them a chance, and looked deeper into them, attempting to enjoy what they had to offer. I was essentially emotionally and physically attracted to them, but the passion I felt with them couldn't amount to the passion I had/have with him.
So last night when I saw a girl sitting on his couch, I wasn't mad. Heartbroken, definitely. But I figured it was bound to happen. He ushered me in and thus we began to make introductions and discussion. It hurt like hell, but I continued on to make due, preparing for the worst.
.........................
After she left, I was told that he and her weren't dating, and that he, in fact, was not dating anyone else. At the moment I was slightly relieved.
Yet my heart and mind still contain a mix of emotions.
Whether they're friends or not wasn't the only issue, he chose to be unresponsive for 2 days. Ignoring my calls, putting me on a waitlist of people to call hurts. On top of that, he also chooses to keep me buried deep in the trenches of his life.
I don't mean trenches in the negative way, he just keeps me away from other aspects of his life, so maybe I may never grow to become more than friends or maybe just friends.
I had never met the girl on his couch, but she does karate with him, and obviously had been friends with him for awhile. I started thinking about all his friends that I had never met, or all of the life sitiuations he chooses to keep me seperated from.
Maybe its me, but why does he insist on excluding me? I wonder if he seperates all his friends from each other, but I feel as though he specifically doesn't like me crossing my nameless boundaries.
I've thought about this before. I've dealt with being excluded from certain aspects of his life , knowing to him there's no reason to include me. But it hurts to think about this. It hurts to know that he chooses to keep me, forever simply seperated. Just there.
Thats what really struck me last night. That I may never escape the trenches of one single aspect of his life. I had no idea who was sitting on his couch, and I am almost sure that I wouldn't have known who was sitting on his couch if it had been a man, another woman, or child.
I know he cares about me. I do. I just wish he....
I'm not sure how to continue this sentence. I started thinking about what I wish he would do and stopped. I enjoy us. I hope there is no misunderstanding about that.
Maybe our title is just that, us.
It just sucks being held back by 'nameless' boundaries, only being able to define ourselves by something we can't define, or better yet, 'name.'
Now when I say struggling, I mean struggling. I wish with all my heart to be with him, in that boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. But I accept his desire to not want to be in a relationship, and settle for the best available option, which is what we are now. I love being with him, and for the most part our current, nameless situation is great. We get to enjoy each other emotionally, physically, and mentally, without needing to adhere to any certain label or responsibilities.
But last night struck me hard.
I had been trying to get in touch with him for the last 2 days, since I got back from Chicago, and to no avail, he was unresponsive. As I tried calling him again yesterday, my calls began going straight to voicemail. The last time my calls went straight to voicemail, he was sitting in a jail cell. On top of feeling responsible for him ending up in jail, I was literally worried something horrible had happened to him. We hadn't talked in over a week, so I wasn't sure what happened to him. Worried, I drove to his place to make sure he was okay.
Lo and behold, I discovered him there... with a girl.
Granted when I pulled up and saw another car there, I wasn't sure who it may have been. I just wanted to see him, and make sure he was ok. He scared the hell out of me. So even though I saw another car in the front, I knocked anyway.
When he opened the door, a mixture of emotions took over me, similar to the ones that took hold of me when he was released from jail. I sighed, slightly wanted to punch him but hugged him instead, and thanked God he was okay. As I hugged him, I glanced through the doorway to notice a girl sitting on his couch. Instantly my heart dropped.
Now, I understand we are both single. I get it. We have the freedom to entertain anyone we choose. Since he and I officially broke up (a long time ago, I might add), I honestly have attempted to date a few other people. So essentially I have no right to feel the way I do, although I'm sure he wouldn't get the same feeling as I do if he were to find out that I might be dating someone else.
But those people that I have attempted to date couldn't hold a candle to him. And I honestly tried to make it work with them. I avoided him when the other and I were dating, gave them a chance, and looked deeper into them, attempting to enjoy what they had to offer. I was essentially emotionally and physically attracted to them, but the passion I felt with them couldn't amount to the passion I had/have with him.
So last night when I saw a girl sitting on his couch, I wasn't mad. Heartbroken, definitely. But I figured it was bound to happen. He ushered me in and thus we began to make introductions and discussion. It hurt like hell, but I continued on to make due, preparing for the worst.
.........................
After she left, I was told that he and her weren't dating, and that he, in fact, was not dating anyone else. At the moment I was slightly relieved.
Yet my heart and mind still contain a mix of emotions.
Whether they're friends or not wasn't the only issue, he chose to be unresponsive for 2 days. Ignoring my calls, putting me on a waitlist of people to call hurts. On top of that, he also chooses to keep me buried deep in the trenches of his life.
I don't mean trenches in the negative way, he just keeps me away from other aspects of his life, so maybe I may never grow to become more than friends or maybe just friends.
I had never met the girl on his couch, but she does karate with him, and obviously had been friends with him for awhile. I started thinking about all his friends that I had never met, or all of the life sitiuations he chooses to keep me seperated from.
Maybe its me, but why does he insist on excluding me? I wonder if he seperates all his friends from each other, but I feel as though he specifically doesn't like me crossing my nameless boundaries.
I've thought about this before. I've dealt with being excluded from certain aspects of his life , knowing to him there's no reason to include me. But it hurts to think about this. It hurts to know that he chooses to keep me, forever simply seperated. Just there.
Thats what really struck me last night. That I may never escape the trenches of one single aspect of his life. I had no idea who was sitting on his couch, and I am almost sure that I wouldn't have known who was sitting on his couch if it had been a man, another woman, or child.
I know he cares about me. I do. I just wish he....
I'm not sure how to continue this sentence. I started thinking about what I wish he would do and stopped. I enjoy us. I hope there is no misunderstanding about that.
Maybe our title is just that, us.
It just sucks being held back by 'nameless' boundaries, only being able to define ourselves by something we can't define, or better yet, 'name.'
Monday, January 11, 2010
Thrive
So I just came back from a week-long trip to Chicago and here are a few absolutes I learned.
1- Chicago must be sponsored by McDonald's and Walgreens. Everywhere I turned there was a McDonald's and Walgreens near by... sometimes within 1 block of each other.
2 - All McDonald's have at least 10 Mexicans working at their store. Not that there's anything wrong with that... its simply an observation. They (yes, I said 'they') were at every McDonald's I went to, downtown, suburbs, even the airport (both were within the same concourse by the way).
3 - I highly doubt anyone showers everyday in Chicago during the months of December - February, maybe not even every other day. Aside from some of the undercoat stenches I so luckily took a whiff of, I proved to be a great example of this theory. Luckily I showered yesterday before hopping on a plane back to sunny Florida (which is currently breaking coldest day records).
4 - On that note... you will always be cold during these few months. Inside, outside, on the subway, in the restaurant, in your living room. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE COLD - which explains the lack of showering.
4 - Also, you will always spend money in Chicago. Be it on the food, fun, or entertainment, you must be able to part ways with the Washingtons (in my case they were simply Washingtons) in order to majorly enjoy all of Chicago's attractions, except the public library, which is where I spent 2 of my days in.
5 - As far as Chicago's entertainment goes, make sure to judge the street performers accordingly. Don't waste your dollar on someone who's simply humming the star spangled banner on the subway platform. Save it for the drum bucket beaters on the side of the road, or the men who actually paint themselves in full silver gear head to toe.
There are probably many more absolutes I'm forgetting. Chicago is a beautiful city, one of my favorites. There is so much history, passion, and fast paced movement within the city. I could thrive there, and luckily for the last week I was able to.
Now back to Orlando/School, where hopefully I too can thrive.
1- Chicago must be sponsored by McDonald's and Walgreens. Everywhere I turned there was a McDonald's and Walgreens near by... sometimes within 1 block of each other.
2 - All McDonald's have at least 10 Mexicans working at their store. Not that there's anything wrong with that... its simply an observation. They (yes, I said 'they') were at every McDonald's I went to, downtown, suburbs, even the airport (both were within the same concourse by the way).
3 - I highly doubt anyone showers everyday in Chicago during the months of December - February, maybe not even every other day. Aside from some of the undercoat stenches I so luckily took a whiff of, I proved to be a great example of this theory. Luckily I showered yesterday before hopping on a plane back to sunny Florida (which is currently breaking coldest day records).
4 - On that note... you will always be cold during these few months. Inside, outside, on the subway, in the restaurant, in your living room. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE COLD - which explains the lack of showering.
4 - Also, you will always spend money in Chicago. Be it on the food, fun, or entertainment, you must be able to part ways with the Washingtons (in my case they were simply Washingtons) in order to majorly enjoy all of Chicago's attractions, except the public library, which is where I spent 2 of my days in.
5 - As far as Chicago's entertainment goes, make sure to judge the street performers accordingly. Don't waste your dollar on someone who's simply humming the star spangled banner on the subway platform. Save it for the drum bucket beaters on the side of the road, or the men who actually paint themselves in full silver gear head to toe.
There are probably many more absolutes I'm forgetting. Chicago is a beautiful city, one of my favorites. There is so much history, passion, and fast paced movement within the city. I could thrive there, and luckily for the last week I was able to.
Now back to Orlando/School, where hopefully I too can thrive.
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