Forced Socialization

I think going to dog parks forces you to socialize. Once your dog starts rough-housing and playing with another dog, you're basically stuck in a situation of talking with that dog's owner. You end up knowing and remembering the dog's names before their owner's, which I find weird. My experience has been semi-positive. I guess it does not matter about my experience because it really is all about Samson, but it has been quite odd.
I met a guy there, which I find weird, just because it almost felt like forced socialization due to his dog and my dog playing. He has an Australian Shepherd too named Foster. Samson and Foster bonded quickly so I made my way over to watch Samson and ended up meeting Foster's owner. His name is Sean, or I guess it could be spelled "Shawn." We met about a week ago, and for the first time talking with someone at a dog park didn't feel awkward.
He's not my type at all, although many of my friends would argue that I do not have a type. He's tall, white, very muscular (on the gym robot, meat head side), never went to college, and he's a former marine turned fire fighter. I would say he's not my typical type just because most of the men that I have been recently into (or still in love with) don't come in the prettiest of packages, not that the men I date aren't attractive, its just that they don't normally fit into the generic good looks categories. They typically have a scratch or two to them that in spite of their otherwise attractive features, makes them even more irresistible. Sean on the other hand fits the usual "good-looking" guy... kinda like the type of guy who wouldn't normally be into me.
Again, I met him about a week ago, and instantly got along well with him. We engaged in small talk, kinda flirted, and got to know each other a little bit. At the end of the first day, we parted ways without exchanging any contact information or a last name. That was on a Thursday.
The following Tuesday comes along, and I decide to take Samson to the dog park again. I love to see Samson having a good time, seeing as he barely gets out when we're stuck at home. Thirty minutes pass at the dog park, with barely any dogs showing up, and suddenly out runs Foster. I soon turn to my left to see Sean standing there. Needless to say, I was very surprised because we obviously hadn't made any plans the previous day to meet up again at the dog park. So for the next hour or so we talk, laugh, joke, and interact with each other on a very friendly level. I can't confirm he was flirting with me just because I still think (due to his looks and profession) he's out of my league. Later, we decide to gather our dogs and wash them together at the bathing area. He shares his shampoo with me as I lend him an extra towel and continue on in conversation. As we are leaving, he asks me for my number so that we can arrange another day at the dog park.
See, this may be considered a more than a dog park day kind of exchange, but I'm not so sure of that. We met up again today at the dog park, and nothing really progressed following today's adventures. Aside from picking up poop, talking, and playing with our dogs, no further flirtation occurred. He joked that he might visit me on my double tomorrow, planned to possibly meet up Monday, but that really was it.
Eh... so I don't know. I still am utterly bogged down with the thought of Ern, but that is continually proving to be a disappointment on my end. I don't think he understands.
Again on the subject of dog park socialization, its just weird yet fun, meeting all these people.

"I Am Thinking It's a Sign, That the Freckles in Our Eyes are Mirror Images"

I have trouble believing that everything happens for a reason. Or that fate is the main controller of our lives. Many people believe otherwise, and I think most use it to cushion the pain from whatever went opposite of what they desired. It's a comfort to believe everything happens for a reason. I like to believe that things just happen, without reason, without hope, and at most times, without planning. Everyday choices guide our lives, and it is only in hindsight that we are able to see the strings that tie us to our final outcomes.

I wish I could sneak a peak at myself in 10 years. It'd be cool to see where I am, who I'm with, if there's kids, houses, etc...

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never be able to get over you. I have low expectations for tonight. I have this feeling that you may never choose me again, and as much as we both hate the word never, I can't believe in you choosing me tonight. And it's okay, because above all I want you to be happy, but it kills me to know you are with someone else. And for the sake of your relationship, my sanity, and my heart, I can't live in a world where you aren't mine. We've tried being just friends, but I never stopped loving you, and I'm not sure if I ever can. Forgive me, because I know this is basically an unwritten ultimatum, but I can't be okay without you here.

When I picture you, I only picture us. I've been missing you for so long.

It's funny, I just got off the phone with my friend Mike, and he was playing a few songs on his guitar to keep us entertained. He began to sing "Such Great Heights" and this immense amount of warmth took over me, and I was suddenly brought back to that rooftop you took me to overlooking Miami. I can picture the night sky, the cool air, your hands overlapping mine, and feel the warmth of your body holding me from falling over the edge. I hummed "Such Great Heights" as we swayed in the moonlight. I don't remember if you saw, but I teared up. I had never had anyone treat me so well like you did. I had never had anyone show me so much in such a little amount of time. So I knew when I told you I loved you, I wasn't lying. I was not scared. I wasn't doubtful. And even as our relationship grew, fell apart, and managed to stay around, I always came back to that moment of you holding me as we overlooked the Miami skyline. I think that's why the break-up bewildered me, and probably why to this day I have difficulty letting you go.

But there pops up the idea of fate again, or a reason for us. And as much as I don't necessarily believe in fate, I do believe that there has been some cosmic and magnetic force consistently bringing us together. Lives crossed.

I love you, and I know I will love you for a lifetime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQIGDyEkngY

Nothing Normal

I am the loneliest person. I have no one. Everything I feel, is left within me, for I have no one to share it with. So much weighs on me and there's no one to help carry it. I felt like with you, it was easier. Without you, I'm crumbling. I wish I understood why I feel this way. Its crazy, literally crazy to feel this way still. Is there reason to this madness? Something is clearly wrong with me if I have hoped for you for so long. You're gone. You're gone but I still feel for you. I ache for you. You never leave my mind, and it is simply madness. There's no explanation to help me understand why I feel so much love for you. And yet, it all goes unanswered.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know she's in your life now, but it's killing me. I feel like its physically killing me to live with this mindset. Knowing she's better than me. Knowing you get to have someone there. You get companionship, while I get to be alone. That drives me mad. You cheated on me, you lied, you ruined a friendship, you hurt me so many times in so many ways, and yet you get a prize at the end??? Where is the fairness in that? I am your prize, because in spite and with love for everything, I was standing there holding your hand. I was there through your ups and your downs, and yet you deserve better than me? Who else will love you the way that I do? Where is my companion if you're gone? Who else do I get to give my heart away. Why do you get the normal, steady, "happy" relationship? I get the scraps. I get to sit in my room, on my broken bed, on my dirty sheets, in my dirty clothes, with myself. Only with myself. Where is the fairness in that? What have I done to deserve this? I gave everything, and in spite of us failing, there is no one else to help me carry. I am so alone. I'm dying. I feel this rush of emotion leaving my body every time I hear your name, and I know its your name that's killing me. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't laugh. This isn't normal, this isn't sane. How can you be okay with this? Where are your tears, where is your sadness, where is your loneliness? Why am I left? This isn't normal.