Not even 24 hours later.
It happens.
------
I know I sound like the devil when I say this, but I hate Christmas. I can't stand holiday music or the obsessive amount of time people spend shopping in malls. Regardless of the time of year, people are still assholes and families still fight. I wish people were more respectful of other who don't happen to like the Christmas season. Granted, my feelings are highly do to my poverty level and clusterfuck of a family, but I think my sentiments have more to do with the 'fakeness' associated with the holiday. I find that people pretend most when its the Christmas season. Majority of the people who celebrate the holiday don't even believe in Jesus... seems ironic/fake. I completely understand how bitter I sound, I just can't be happy this time of year.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
And He Replied Yes
What do you do when you find out your ex, who you had dated on and off for maybe two years/been in an abnormal 'friendship' with for the last year, actually loved you? I don't think I can best explain our situation for those of you who have no idea who Ern is, but needless to say, I had NEVER heard him mumble those words, or anything remotely like them before. I asked him tonight if he ever loved me, and he replied yes.
To give further detail into this conversation, Ern and I had met up last night to catch up on our current life happenings. Recently, these 'catch ups' usually result in either of us in tears. His current relationship status isn't as fulfilling as he wishes it to be, and although I am happy in my situation, I still find difficulty in shaking off Ern. Point is, last night he had to conceal our 'catch up' meeting to his girlfriend, leaving our time short and fleeting. As we were getting into the nitty gritty of our predicament, he had to leave....again.
His fleeing the scene of our crime cause an uproar of emotions for me. At first I was very upset, pissed that I only had 30 minutes with Ern. My next emotion was anger, anger at this whore of a girl who believes herself to be his next best wonder. My last and current emotion is that of exhaustion. I was sick of constantly being walked away from.
So tonight I called him to announce my final decision... to discontinue all forms of contact with him. I would do this in order to withhold jeopardizing his relationship with his girlfriend, and my current interest in CG. Ern has been my rock when shit would hit the fan, and I would be his rock when things just didn't seem right. This would also allow me to not have to suffer the good-byes anymore. Anytime Ern has ever walked away from me, I've been left in shambles. I don't think he could ever understand the pain of watching him turn his back on me. I've experienced this so many times, so I wanted to tell him I'm done, for good.
Instead, we got into this huge exchange of emotions, where tears were shed on both sides. I told him that in order to understand what I have been going through, he's going to have to watch me walk away... or as he puts it, break up with him. In the final midst of all these exchanges, I then asked if he ever loved me.
Not always the best idea.
When he said yes, I was in shock. But this shocked feeling wasn't necessarily good. I always thought that when Ern said 'I love you,' or something like it, I would suddenly be graced with an infinite amount of happiness. The thing is, that didn't happen at all. Instead, I felt sad. I felt like such a waste of time. I almost felt like this was the biggest crock of shit I had ever heard, because while he's mentioning some kind of love for me, he is still in a relationship with that girl. I just don't understand why you would be with someone, when you know exactly how you feel about someone else. If anything, when he said yes, he confused the hell out of me.
I'm not angry with his words and I'm not exactly frustrated with his stance, but some part of me just isn't happy with this information. Yes because of everything I mentioned above, but also because it all felt forced. I think he realized he was loosing me, thus prompting him to mention his love for me. For the last three years I have been waiting for that simple truth, and now I'm not sure exactly what I feel.
In spite of these new revelations, my decision remains firm. I am disconnecting completely from Ern. No longer will he be able to contact me and keep up with my happenings through here, Facebook, etc... I want to remain distant in order to allow for my growth, as well as potential understanding on his part. Do I have hope or wishes for a future between us? Not entirely. But if ever we were to ever find ourselves at a common crossroad in the future, I would then hope for him to appreciate the present, and to love me simply because he loves me.
To give further detail into this conversation, Ern and I had met up last night to catch up on our current life happenings. Recently, these 'catch ups' usually result in either of us in tears. His current relationship status isn't as fulfilling as he wishes it to be, and although I am happy in my situation, I still find difficulty in shaking off Ern. Point is, last night he had to conceal our 'catch up' meeting to his girlfriend, leaving our time short and fleeting. As we were getting into the nitty gritty of our predicament, he had to leave....again.
His fleeing the scene of our crime cause an uproar of emotions for me. At first I was very upset, pissed that I only had 30 minutes with Ern. My next emotion was anger, anger at this whore of a girl who believes herself to be his next best wonder. My last and current emotion is that of exhaustion. I was sick of constantly being walked away from.
So tonight I called him to announce my final decision... to discontinue all forms of contact with him. I would do this in order to withhold jeopardizing his relationship with his girlfriend, and my current interest in CG. Ern has been my rock when shit would hit the fan, and I would be his rock when things just didn't seem right. This would also allow me to not have to suffer the good-byes anymore. Anytime Ern has ever walked away from me, I've been left in shambles. I don't think he could ever understand the pain of watching him turn his back on me. I've experienced this so many times, so I wanted to tell him I'm done, for good.
Instead, we got into this huge exchange of emotions, where tears were shed on both sides. I told him that in order to understand what I have been going through, he's going to have to watch me walk away... or as he puts it, break up with him. In the final midst of all these exchanges, I then asked if he ever loved me.
Not always the best idea.
When he said yes, I was in shock. But this shocked feeling wasn't necessarily good. I always thought that when Ern said 'I love you,' or something like it, I would suddenly be graced with an infinite amount of happiness. The thing is, that didn't happen at all. Instead, I felt sad. I felt like such a waste of time. I almost felt like this was the biggest crock of shit I had ever heard, because while he's mentioning some kind of love for me, he is still in a relationship with that girl. I just don't understand why you would be with someone, when you know exactly how you feel about someone else. If anything, when he said yes, he confused the hell out of me.
I'm not angry with his words and I'm not exactly frustrated with his stance, but some part of me just isn't happy with this information. Yes because of everything I mentioned above, but also because it all felt forced. I think he realized he was loosing me, thus prompting him to mention his love for me. For the last three years I have been waiting for that simple truth, and now I'm not sure exactly what I feel.
In spite of these new revelations, my decision remains firm. I am disconnecting completely from Ern. No longer will he be able to contact me and keep up with my happenings through here, Facebook, etc... I want to remain distant in order to allow for my growth, as well as potential understanding on his part. Do I have hope or wishes for a future between us? Not entirely. But if ever we were to ever find ourselves at a common crossroad in the future, I would then hope for him to appreciate the present, and to love me simply because he loves me.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Fuck California
Okay, fuck the days thing. I hate being restricted, and I really did not want to continue on with the blog day thing.
I'm upset. CG called me tonight when he was on his way to one of his friend's houses, but I was at Cindy's for her son's birthday party. Thus, we were only able to talk for about 10 minutes. He and I also couldn't talk last night because Ashley stayed over my house.
What got me upset tonight was something he said to me while we briefly talked. He said that he feels 'disconnected' from me because we haven't talked in a couple of days. Normally we talk for an hour or two a night, so I can understand why he feels that way. I'm more upset about our situation.
It just reminds me of how difficult this might actually become, and how shitty it is to live 2500 miles away from the one person you would most like to be with. I hate the distance. I hate that we don't have the opportunity to evolve as a normal couple. I can't enjoy dinner with him, meet his friends, kiss him good morning as often as we would wish. We're so limited.
I'm upset. CG called me tonight when he was on his way to one of his friend's houses, but I was at Cindy's for her son's birthday party. Thus, we were only able to talk for about 10 minutes. He and I also couldn't talk last night because Ashley stayed over my house.
What got me upset tonight was something he said to me while we briefly talked. He said that he feels 'disconnected' from me because we haven't talked in a couple of days. Normally we talk for an hour or two a night, so I can understand why he feels that way. I'm more upset about our situation.
It just reminds me of how difficult this might actually become, and how shitty it is to live 2500 miles away from the one person you would most like to be with. I hate the distance. I hate that we don't have the opportunity to evolve as a normal couple. I can't enjoy dinner with him, meet his friends, kiss him good morning as often as we would wish. We're so limited.
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