Highlander

"You meet thousands of people, and then you meet one person."

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I have met many strangers. I have dated many men. But when I met Ern, and yes I use 'met' loosely, my world was instantly shifted. Everything I thought I knew about love would eventually become forgotten, because with Ern I learned a whole new definition.

At first, it was amazing. I truly do believe we were instantly addicted to each other. Before we kissed, he had heartbreak while I had insincerity, but we managed to find fire. It was so mind-boggling to me how we started our relationship long-distance, but felt only inches apart. I breathed in every second of Ern I could get. Hours of phone conversations and weekends of passionate reunions had me in love. I dreamed beautiful dreams of us traveling to Japan, us laughing through our memories, us making love, and simply us sharing our days together. I had never been the relationship type of girl before Ern, but our kiss changed me. There were no other words to describe the care, attraction, and compassion I had eventually developed for Ern, besides 'love.'

But then we became difficult. I was frustrated, complicated, and eventually tired. He was quiet and withheld his thoughts within reason. There were so many people and issues surrounding us that we lost sight of what we cared about most... each other. This undeniable pressure from others consuming our relationship, grew into pure exhaustion. Although we had this passionate connection between us, which gave us the ability to communicate intellectually and physically, we couldn't handle the bullshit that was consuming us. I began to grapple with the idea of ending it, while he too felt the obligation of our relationship stressing him out. We caved in and after a short period of time, he ended our relationship.

I was devastated. Although I had grappled with the idea of us ending, it knocked my heart down when I knew I couldn't put our relationship back together.

I scrambled. I was so distraught that I bought a ticket to New York within a 4 days notice, just to get the hell away from the heartbreak. It was chaos. I wanted only to escape the loss of him. I was in a fury, crying anytime my mind wandered (which if you know me, that happens a lot). I was vulnerable, and although I wanted us to work, I almost couldn't handle the cards he dealt to me next.

Withholding all details, about 2 weeks after our break-up, more devastating news was brought to my attention. I seemed to have lost 2 best friends in one weekend. There are no words that could attempt to describe the depression that soon took hold of me. And to further add to my spiral, my grandfather passed away a few weeks after our break-up. No one seemed to be my companion. I drove myself insane. I started running 4 miles a day, discontinued eating, disconnected from friends, and focused solely on school... all in an attempt to mask the painful depression I was dealing with.

I truly thought Ern and I were done... for many reasons, but primarily I felt so dedicated to shutting him out of my life forever. Although I was struggling without him, I told myself to forget him. He had crushed me so deeply, that I thought there would never be a chance of me forgiving him, much less maintaining communication with him.

But somehow we did...

Somehow we began communicating again. It was hard, but that addiction crept it's way back into my life. Slowly I heard him out. He apologized, I listened, and we cried. His tears broke the anger I had inside, and I realized then that this was no ordinary love. We found again that fire. Physically we expressed our emotional devotion, that in spite of our past transgressions and continual question mark surrounding the nature of our relationship, we grew to love again. Words became irrelevant as our addictions to each other's thoughts, actions, and hearts brought us to a new level of care.

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The rest of the story breaks my heart. I can't really offer an explanation as to what happened between us because I only know (feel) one side of the story. I have yet to stop loving Ern. This love I have for him tears me apart, because I still struggle with trying to understand where he stands with his feelings for me.

Am I unable to see the reality of the situation? No. I know where his is, and where he stands, but something deep down really believes he is fully aware of his addiction to me.

We have never been just friends, and as unfortunate as it sounds, I highly doubt we could ever be just friends. And although the waves of fire seemed to have shown itself only in bits, the fire has never truly been extinguished. In spite of us spending time apart and us dating other people, we have always managed to come back together, rekindling much of the flame we swore we lost years ago.

I digress, to refer back to the initial quote I posted in this blog entry. Now what exactly does this mean? Like I've answered before, I am able to see the reality of the situation. I know that he is in a 'nice' relationship with someone else who I'm sure also makes him happy. But I ask, is there a fire remotely resembling the one he has for me? Is there an addiction to her mind, body, soul, intellect, humor, communication, devotion, love, or frustration? I understand passion has it's degrees, and all of these 'addictions' to a person's qualities vary from the daters and datees, but can he truly believe there will ever be a fire like ours. We meet thousands of people in a lifetime, but only meet one person. Why waste our energies and devotion on 'nice' people, when we could be diving in to an almost new kind of passion with each other...?

I know I am assuming a great deal, but there are moments in our lifetimes that define our existence. Instances that dynamically alter the rest of our lives. With that being said, I know that our kiss at the Hard Rock on that fateful November evening, forever altered our existence. It set the tone for the rest of Katie and Ern's existence, causing us to be unable to let go. We don't know how to escape the passion or break the addiction, because it was at that moment we instantly loved. I sometimes feel as if I wouldn't be able to escape Ern even if I really wanted to. At times, those instances become irreversible, not caring who's life they change.

Now, I don't say these things without understanding the repercussions of what these feelings entail. This kind of passion between us doesn't come without the frustration and work needed in order to maintain it, which is where we have previously faltered. It would take major effort in order to stabilize even the idea of a relationship between us two. I am also able to see how this might be seen as impulsive, weak, presumptuous, etc... I know. But I can't seem to think of any reason as to why Ern and I have maintained "our kind of madness," whether intentional or not.

Maybe I'm in denial. Resistant to the idea of Ern just being over me. But there are moments now when I feel his heart slip back to me. Where I see his eyes capture me once again. Feelings within our conversations that become almost impossible to suppress. Again, I find myself craving our conversations, wishing to touch his lips, and longing to embrace his body.

Do I know what this all means? No. Do I know how Ern and I will end up? No. But its these kinds of thoughts that take my heart back to a place where I only knew how to believe in us. And yes, sometimes these thoughts intimidate me. I get nervous not only thinking that if we were to try again we might fail, but also thinking about if we were to try again, we might succeed, which at times, can be even more nerve-racking.

But in spite of my nerves, I know where my heart lies. I know what I feel, and how I wish to express it. I want nothing more than to try again. To build us slowly, enjoying any moment we can get. Although we've had our faults, I believe our instantaneous passion still lies within us, begging to be set free. We have evolved, we have learned, and we have loved.

So I push on. I take a stance, and fight for the one I knew I loved years ago, and for the one I know I love now.

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"I have met thousands of people, and I have met only one Ern."

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2329347609/ (in case you're wondering where the initial quote came from).

Sinimani

I just got back from walking Samson... or better yet him walking me... and while I was out I ran into this couple that had just moved in across the street. They saw Sam and wanted to pet him and share their dog stories with me, which is completely normal. It turns out, they are the most gorgeous couple I have ever seen in my life. Both are Amazonian tall. Both are extremely well dressed. Both are super nice and well-spoken, and have the most amazing faces... weird, no?

It just strikes me at how perfect they seem/are. Its weird to feel jealous of strangers. For a second I wanted to be them. I started to wonder about their dynamic, if the sex was good, if they still laugh at each others' jokes, or set aside time to go on dates or share the day's stories with one another. They must be perfect. There are so many dysfunctional couples surrounding me, that its hard to imagine what 'perfect' is within a relationship. I understand that the meaning of perfect varies from person to person, I just felt as if I had met the most fantastic, almost celebrity-style couple

I wish I could be normal. Tonight was weird. I stood up someone, thinking I might actually go on a date with someone I'm interested in, only to be stood up in return. Sucks. Its that same firefighter from the dog park. Tonight was supposed to be the first night we actually meet up outside the dog park... and instead I got stood up. I don't believe in karma, but I'm sure the cosmic love gods partook in tonight's events, in response to me blowing someone off (not in the good way, haha).

I get so frustrated. I wish this person that's supposed to let me get over Ern would just show himself already. I think about Ern so many times throughout the day, and I can't seem to detach the romantic and emotional side from those thoughts. I wish I could think of him as just a friend, but I have yet to be able to. I wonder if he understands how I feel. I've longed for people before, but to me these feelings surpass all previous beliefs. Its like this empty vacuum in my chest, that when a thought of him comes to mind, all of a sudden the vacuum is turned on and pulls at everything surrounding my heart, as if it is imploding.

I would give anything to have one more moment with him. One more time to kiss him. One more time to swim in the ocean at night or feel for each other under the covers. I can close my eyes and feel my caress across his skin and retrace every inch of his body, touching the smoothest skin on his hips and back. God I miss that passion. I miss the fire. The companionship. The confusion. The anger. The love. I miss his bad breath in the morning. His skinny ankles. His smell every time I would breath him in. The way his hair on his arms ends where his shirt sleeve would start.

I have never loved anyone the way I love Ern. And I get so mad at whatever cosmic being responsible for allowing me to feel this much. I know he wishes I could be normal and look at him like any other person/friend. He's such a dream.

But these thoughts are meaningless. These feelings hold no weight. It is the hardest thing to love someone so much who you're not allowed to. To walk with such a heavy heart breaks me down. And knowing there is nothing I can do about it drags me further through this misery.

So when I see this gorgeous couple standing before me, I wish nothing more than to stand in their shoes. To seemingly stand next to the one I love with the confidence of his love in return. I want that normalcy, and I worry there will never be a normal for me. Especially without Ern, a reciprocated love.

Lastly, this past week for my Latin American History Colloquium, we were required to read, The Mixtecs of Colonial Oazaca: Nudzahui History, Sixteenth Through Eighteenth Centuries, by Kevin Terraciano. Granted I got through about 20 pages (of a 510 page book), but something struck out at me during class. In his chapter entitled, Language, Terraciano discusses the way in which the Nudzahui composed their language by employing a noun as an object of a common verb. As he gave examples, one particularly stuck out:

"The verb 'to love' is sinimani, consisting of sini (to know), and mani (preciousness)."

I've never been able to give Ern a substantial reason for loving him the way that I do. Even to this day, Ern is incapable of understanding how I, of all people, can honestly waste away with the dream of loving him. When I read Terraciano's passage, I couldn't help but think of Ern, thinking the Nudzahui definition of "to love" essentially relates to mine. To love Ern is to know preciousness. To me, there is an undeniable value to Ern that has obtained a certain kind of preciousness, that surpasses any love I've known. I don't want to give up.

sinimani

In Your Atmosphere

I'd die if I saw you, I'd die if I didn't see you there.

I think I'm going to stay...

I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7FP5R2EOwc now.

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I was talking with this girl today at work. Her name is Tina and she's been my co-worker since I first started working at Ale House. She has a little boy named Toby, and when I first met her, I think she had been stuck in an abusive relationship with her child's father (I wasn't sure, just based on what I had noticed). One day she showed up with bruises and in turn finally put her foot down and left the guy who beat her.

A few months later, She met a guy at a playground who had a little girl around the same age as Toby. According to her he was brilliant. He treated her like a queen, and luckily had a daughter who got along well with her son. He became a bright light in her bleak sky, and proved to be even more amazing as time wore on.

Two weeks ago he broke up with her. Apparently he offered her no explanation, just left. Completely disconnected from her. Deleted her from his Facebook, ignored her calls, left her no answer to her many questions. This guy who, again according to all the stories she's told me before, was an amazing guy, just disappeared.

When she told me this today, it really got to me. Of course she told me in the beginning of our shift, so it ruined the rest of my work day (although only making $11 today also sucked). But I couldn't define why exactly in effected (affected?) me the way it did. I know for obvious reasons it could be because it made me reminisce about Ern, but it wasn't just that.

It bothered me how instantaneous people just disappear out of your life. She used to tell me about the plans they would make about marriage, etc... and out of nowhere those plans get deleted. Its hard because any future you think you envision basically becomes a reality. And I think I might have mentioned this before, but it becomes sequential, where your envisioned future becomes your present, making it impossible to not feel tortured when your present becomes incomplete. Your mind and heart almost becomes stuck between the two walls of present and future, and you can't see beyond that constraint. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I think that is where we find the struggle. Where forgetting the possible becomes impossible... it becomes so linked to the reality of "today."

Going off on a farther random tangent: I think this is were time becomes irrelevant. If you are unaware of my disbelief in time, then now you know. Your mind has no understanding of what was, what is, and what could have been, because the power within our hearts surpasses our ability to mentally construct time, linking all three categories of passion and feeling together. Erasing the lines that could have essentially separated the three time frames of relationship actions, unable to separate the reality from the possibility. Just my philosophy.

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I really should be getting back to my paper if I ever want to know what sleep feels like. This procrastination drains me. You would think I would learn by now.

Booked Face and Wit Twits

It's crazy how addictive our online personalities have gotten. Where, as human beings, we can't function without an online social network attached to us. I told Ashley to change my Facebook password in order for me to get through the rest of this summer's semester. I spend a great deal of my time online uploading pictures, commenting on other people's pictures, commenting on my friends' walls, commenting on their status, while uploading my status, while I keep logging in to check my news feed for other people's statuses, likes, dislikes, interests, relationship status, family updates, etc... It's become crazy.

I had jury duty last week, and while I was waiting in the jury pool to be called, I read a recent TIME article written in May 2010 about Facebook. In spite of our current invasion of privacy, especially as you read this blog, Facebook has reached approximately 500 million active profiles.

We have grown to become addicted to these social networking sites, and allow them to become these "private" outlets that temporarily grants us a celebrity like quality, while also giving us a space to "escape" into. I love it. I love the fact that I can keep in touch with family, friends, lovers, but I know that I have become addicted to Facebook, along with millions of others. Its very hard to imagine going online without checking our Facebook at some point during our internet browsing, almost as hard as imagining a world before cell phones.

So in order for me to finish this semester accordingly, I had to ask one of my best friends to change my password in order to finish this semester's work on time.

Pathetic. I'm kind of angry that I have to go to that extreme in order to eliminate my Facebook trigger. And you know what I did when I couldn't access my Facebook account? I created a Twitter account. To feed this procrastination, to ease this 'need to know' quest by stalking celebrities and their status. In one day I had 16 followers, and although that number fluctuates, Its incredible how quickly this next social network takes over. I'm sure normal people can handle a Facebook account and grad school, but I've developed this addictive tendency towards it that I can't.

So I'm thinking of officially deleting it soon. Force people to contact me through other means besides writing a little comment on my wall or picture. That doesn't make up for the missed phone calls, visits, letters and cards. If anything, it emphasizes what we've reduced our interactions to the brief sentences.

I want action. I want reality. Relationships aren't based on Facebook statuses, birthday parties happen with or without Facebook event pages, and babies are born with or without their parents posting pictures online. Life takes tangible moments, not online updates. I want your hands, I want to hear your voice, I want your investment.

Deletion may be coming soon. I'm there. I'm a phone call away. I'm a hug here. I'm a kiss near.

http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1990582,00.html - In case you wanted to read the article. It was very well written and entertaining to read.

Forced Socialization

I think going to dog parks forces you to socialize. Once your dog starts rough-housing and playing with another dog, you're basically stuck in a situation of talking with that dog's owner. You end up knowing and remembering the dog's names before their owner's, which I find weird. My experience has been semi-positive. I guess it does not matter about my experience because it really is all about Samson, but it has been quite odd.
I met a guy there, which I find weird, just because it almost felt like forced socialization due to his dog and my dog playing. He has an Australian Shepherd too named Foster. Samson and Foster bonded quickly so I made my way over to watch Samson and ended up meeting Foster's owner. His name is Sean, or I guess it could be spelled "Shawn." We met about a week ago, and for the first time talking with someone at a dog park didn't feel awkward.
He's not my type at all, although many of my friends would argue that I do not have a type. He's tall, white, very muscular (on the gym robot, meat head side), never went to college, and he's a former marine turned fire fighter. I would say he's not my typical type just because most of the men that I have been recently into (or still in love with) don't come in the prettiest of packages, not that the men I date aren't attractive, its just that they don't normally fit into the generic good looks categories. They typically have a scratch or two to them that in spite of their otherwise attractive features, makes them even more irresistible. Sean on the other hand fits the usual "good-looking" guy... kinda like the type of guy who wouldn't normally be into me.
Again, I met him about a week ago, and instantly got along well with him. We engaged in small talk, kinda flirted, and got to know each other a little bit. At the end of the first day, we parted ways without exchanging any contact information or a last name. That was on a Thursday.
The following Tuesday comes along, and I decide to take Samson to the dog park again. I love to see Samson having a good time, seeing as he barely gets out when we're stuck at home. Thirty minutes pass at the dog park, with barely any dogs showing up, and suddenly out runs Foster. I soon turn to my left to see Sean standing there. Needless to say, I was very surprised because we obviously hadn't made any plans the previous day to meet up again at the dog park. So for the next hour or so we talk, laugh, joke, and interact with each other on a very friendly level. I can't confirm he was flirting with me just because I still think (due to his looks and profession) he's out of my league. Later, we decide to gather our dogs and wash them together at the bathing area. He shares his shampoo with me as I lend him an extra towel and continue on in conversation. As we are leaving, he asks me for my number so that we can arrange another day at the dog park.
See, this may be considered a more than a dog park day kind of exchange, but I'm not so sure of that. We met up again today at the dog park, and nothing really progressed following today's adventures. Aside from picking up poop, talking, and playing with our dogs, no further flirtation occurred. He joked that he might visit me on my double tomorrow, planned to possibly meet up Monday, but that really was it.
Eh... so I don't know. I still am utterly bogged down with the thought of Ern, but that is continually proving to be a disappointment on my end. I don't think he understands.
Again on the subject of dog park socialization, its just weird yet fun, meeting all these people.

"I Am Thinking It's a Sign, That the Freckles in Our Eyes are Mirror Images"

I have trouble believing that everything happens for a reason. Or that fate is the main controller of our lives. Many people believe otherwise, and I think most use it to cushion the pain from whatever went opposite of what they desired. It's a comfort to believe everything happens for a reason. I like to believe that things just happen, without reason, without hope, and at most times, without planning. Everyday choices guide our lives, and it is only in hindsight that we are able to see the strings that tie us to our final outcomes.

I wish I could sneak a peak at myself in 10 years. It'd be cool to see where I am, who I'm with, if there's kids, houses, etc...

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never be able to get over you. I have low expectations for tonight. I have this feeling that you may never choose me again, and as much as we both hate the word never, I can't believe in you choosing me tonight. And it's okay, because above all I want you to be happy, but it kills me to know you are with someone else. And for the sake of your relationship, my sanity, and my heart, I can't live in a world where you aren't mine. We've tried being just friends, but I never stopped loving you, and I'm not sure if I ever can. Forgive me, because I know this is basically an unwritten ultimatum, but I can't be okay without you here.

When I picture you, I only picture us. I've been missing you for so long.

It's funny, I just got off the phone with my friend Mike, and he was playing a few songs on his guitar to keep us entertained. He began to sing "Such Great Heights" and this immense amount of warmth took over me, and I was suddenly brought back to that rooftop you took me to overlooking Miami. I can picture the night sky, the cool air, your hands overlapping mine, and feel the warmth of your body holding me from falling over the edge. I hummed "Such Great Heights" as we swayed in the moonlight. I don't remember if you saw, but I teared up. I had never had anyone treat me so well like you did. I had never had anyone show me so much in such a little amount of time. So I knew when I told you I loved you, I wasn't lying. I was not scared. I wasn't doubtful. And even as our relationship grew, fell apart, and managed to stay around, I always came back to that moment of you holding me as we overlooked the Miami skyline. I think that's why the break-up bewildered me, and probably why to this day I have difficulty letting you go.

But there pops up the idea of fate again, or a reason for us. And as much as I don't necessarily believe in fate, I do believe that there has been some cosmic and magnetic force consistently bringing us together. Lives crossed.

I love you, and I know I will love you for a lifetime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQIGDyEkngY

Nothing Normal

I am the loneliest person. I have no one. Everything I feel, is left within me, for I have no one to share it with. So much weighs on me and there's no one to help carry it. I felt like with you, it was easier. Without you, I'm crumbling. I wish I understood why I feel this way. Its crazy, literally crazy to feel this way still. Is there reason to this madness? Something is clearly wrong with me if I have hoped for you for so long. You're gone. You're gone but I still feel for you. I ache for you. You never leave my mind, and it is simply madness. There's no explanation to help me understand why I feel so much love for you. And yet, it all goes unanswered.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know she's in your life now, but it's killing me. I feel like its physically killing me to live with this mindset. Knowing she's better than me. Knowing you get to have someone there. You get companionship, while I get to be alone. That drives me mad. You cheated on me, you lied, you ruined a friendship, you hurt me so many times in so many ways, and yet you get a prize at the end??? Where is the fairness in that? I am your prize, because in spite and with love for everything, I was standing there holding your hand. I was there through your ups and your downs, and yet you deserve better than me? Who else will love you the way that I do? Where is my companion if you're gone? Who else do I get to give my heart away. Why do you get the normal, steady, "happy" relationship? I get the scraps. I get to sit in my room, on my broken bed, on my dirty sheets, in my dirty clothes, with myself. Only with myself. Where is the fairness in that? What have I done to deserve this? I gave everything, and in spite of us failing, there is no one else to help me carry. I am so alone. I'm dying. I feel this rush of emotion leaving my body every time I hear your name, and I know its your name that's killing me. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't laugh. This isn't normal, this isn't sane. How can you be okay with this? Where are your tears, where is your sadness, where is your loneliness? Why am I left? This isn't normal.