Conflicting Conflicts

So A and R broke up. I think its for the better. He was growing to be such a douche... even to the point of being jealous of Ashley hanging out with me. She and I just spent an hour on the phone talking about it. I still feel bad for her. I know how shitty of a situation that can be, even hough she broke up with him.

For some random reason, I've started thinking about all the awkward things attached to breaking up that involve other people outside of the relationship. For example: Like all of the other person's friends that are still friends with you on Facebook, or how you're supposed to react to seeing the other person's friends in public initially after the break up.

I'm getting really nervous about Wednesday. I have a lot of anxiety attached to picking up CG from the airport. I keep asking people if I should park and pick him up or curbside pick him up, or if I should hug and kiss him when he arrives... although I probably won't because that precedent hasn't really been set. Plus I'll be wearing my Harry Potter t-shirt cause we'll be going dinner and off to see the new Harry Potter right after I pick him up... I have to remember to bring gum just in case.

On top of being nervous about Wednesday, I have new concerns regarding him. The closer I get to seeing him, the more I realize how far away California really is. I care about him, but I'm really not sure how feasible we really are. In turn, I think its causing him to be a bit more apprehensive about us. Not that I'm trying to say I mean more to him than what he's leading on to, but I sense him already trying to keep himself a bit distant, although I also sense him moving closer to me at the same time. I'm only saying this because normally we talk every night for at least an hour or so, but this weekend we only talked once Saturday night for an hour. Friday he was non-responsive to my text messages and subsequent call, claiming that he left his phone in a bad reception area in his house... which has never happened before. He finally responded, but he wasn't as warm as he normally is. Granted he called me later that night when he was walking to his car while he was hanging out with hi friends, but I still felt passed on. Very conflicting.

I think a lot of my concern stems from my previous relationship with Ern. With Ern, I always had this doubt in us because I was always nervous about feeling or thinking something more that what we technically were. He always held those technicalities against me, and in a way took advantage of my willingness to accept anything he gave me. I felt like I was walking on egg shells with him, fearful that at any moment my actions would've caused him to end things. As much as I had my faults, I just wanted Ern and I to be real. I wanted to work on making things easy between us, and I think if he hadn't broken things off we could've gotten to that point actually together. But maybe in actuality this separation has proven to be beneficial for us, because in some way, I feel like we've reached that level. As twisted as it sounds, we've expressed things to each other that he and I might not have been comfortable saying to each other before the break. I know he has a girlfriend, and I know its bad timing and I might be wrong for admitting this, but there has been an honest level of emotion that's been emerging between us that has been missing for a long time. I don't know what this means for us now, but I wish we could have reached this point awhile ago. I'm not saying we're perfect, or if we ever get back together we will be without fault, but its nice to have some sense of ease between us. I know it could have been better. I'm sure it may be better... although I may move to California ;)

I know I'm expressing very different emotions within this blog. I AM excited about Wednesday, but its hard to let go of the past.

CG & KM

I should prefix this conversation between CG and I...

Prior to meeting CG, I had been in love with a man named Ern (as you may have read from my many previously depressing posts). I believed Ern to be my One. I had this enormous amount of passion for him that I thought could never be duplicated for anyone else. We were complicated, twisted, in love, addicted, and each other's crutch. Somehow, we were our best friends and each other's most pitiful downfalls. He's broken my heart too many times.

Since our most recent separation, one that is marked by a three week hiatus of indifferent phone calls and misplaced love, I have had the pleasure of discovering CG.

About a month ago I re-met CG. He and I had grown up together, but had never dated, talked, or even exchanged glances. He's 2 years older, but we went to the same elementary school, junior high, high school, and even shared best friends that were brothers. Somehow we had never managed to cross paths.

In mid-October, I was invited to go 'Drink Around the World' (DATW) at Epcot in Disney World by one of my best-friends, Andy. Andy is the brother of CG's best friend, so lo-and-behold, CG joined the crew in drinking (mind you, a crew of over 300+).

When I first arrived, I had recognized CG, but figured he would've forgotten long ago about me, seeing as it had been almost 8 years since I had last remembered seeing him. Throughout the day, he and I exchanged glances, but nearly took all day to finally talk.

Now, I'm not sure if I can explain this well, but do you know what it feels like to instantly connect with someone? Share that moment where everything is silenced around you, and all that you can hear, think, or see is the person standing in front of you? This is what happened with CG and I.

Between the UK and Canada, CG and I got lost in each other's conversation for about 30 minutes. Briefly we had gone over recent life moments, including his accomplishment of a Bachelor's from the University of Michigan and my recent stint at graduate school. He also explained to me his current living situation - Irvine, California. Yes, California.

To divulge some private information about myself, I currently reside in Orlando, Florida. Yes, Florida.

CG and I became entranced by each other. I wanted to know more. I wanted to understand why I found him to be so endearing (aside from his gorgeous green eyes). My friend Tanya, who had accompanied me to DATW, kept urging me to go, seeing as CG and I were traveling around the world in different groups. He informed me that he was leaving the next morning which pushed our desire to talk even further. Unfortunately, our conversation was cut short, and although he tried to get my number, my dead phone battery was of no help. We separated, promising to use Andy's phone to get in contact before the night ended, in order to rekindle our conversation...

Turns out Andy's phone battery had also quit that night, leaving CG and I separated within the same city. Thanks to Facebook (which I find myself never saying), CG and I found each other. We weren't able to meet up before he left, but he and I have been talking since the say we separated. Although he's located over 2,000 miles away, he have been with each other hours on end almost every night. We talk all the time. If we're not talking we're texting. If my internet connection happens to work well, we Skype/Google Talk.

We like each other. We enjoy each other, but there are those miles of separation that have prevented him and I from giving in to an actual 'relationship'.

So the first thing that I've wanted to do with this blog, is to let whoever (whomever?) in on what I've been recently grappling with. Sometimes I cry thinking of how difficult its been to miss someone who I have never been within the vicinity of for more than 30 minutes. I wish he was here, and I wish I was there. I want to know what he feels like.

The second thing I hope to do with this post, is to include the most recent Skype conversation we had. I want to give you some insight on why I like him, and what he and I struggle with.

He's is the 1st person in a very long time that has instantly had me. I know he feels the same earning I do. I know he understands the uncertainty surrounding us. I just really hope he and I somehow give it a try. I want and need him.

[5:08:44 PM] KM: go to sleep mister

[5:08:48 PM] KM: ;)

[5:09:06 PM] CG: lol.

[5:09:09 PM] CG: got distrated

[5:09:14 PM] KM: by what?

[5:09:26 PM] CG: i dont take naps easy anyways

[5:09:29 PM] CG: just the internet

[5:09:37 PM] KM: porn huh?

[5:09:40 PM] KM: jk ;)

[5:09:53 PM] KMd: i want to take a nap now lol

[5:10:09 PM] KM: nap with me? hehe

[5:10:30 PM] CG: doesnt sound like we would be sleeping lol

[5:10:32 PM] CG: jk

[5:10:41 PM] KM: haha

[5:10:42 PM] KM: dream on

[5:10:50 PM] KM: oh dis

[5:11:19 PM] KM: i'm distrcted now too

[5:12:28 PM] CG: LOL

[5:12:37 PM] KM: lol?

[5:13:20 PM] CG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ3_-SbtOL0

[5:15:29 PM] KM: nice

[5:15:43 PM] KM: me gusta

[5:16:10 PM] CG: yeah i have it on loop right now

[5:16:49 PM] KM: its hypnotizing

[5:18:23 PM] KM: do you have any guilty pleasures?

[5:26:20 PM] CG: hmmm

[5:26:37 PM] CG: i dont really know...i just do what i like

[5:27:09 PM] CG: dont consider it a guilty pleasures cause i want to them without concequence

[5:27:16 PM] KM: for example: me watching America's Next Top Model?

[5:29:37 PM] CG: but if you like it why is it a guilt pleasure?

[5:32:54 PM] KM: eh.. cause its shitty reality tv lol

[5:35:31 PM] KM: i want to be on americas next top model, lol

[5:35:39 PM] KM: or an actress

[5:35:47 PM] CG: lol

[5:35:51 PM] CG: why?

[5:36:39 PM] KM: i don't know exactly why. I think it stems from when i was a kid. like the "ugly duckling syndrome"

[5:37:47 PM] KM: plus i think with acting it'd be cool to pretend to be someone else

[5:38:00 PM] CG: lol

[5:38:18 PM] KM: i just want to be pretty, lol

[5:38:20 PM] KM: jk

[5:38:51 PM] KM: i think i'm going to paint my nails

[5:38:58 PM] CG: what color?

[5:39:08 PM] KM: i think purple

[5:39:14 PM] KM: why, lol?

[5:40:01 PM] KM: sometimes i paint my nails many different colors at once

[5:40:04 PM] CG: just because?

[5:40:19 PM] CG: each one been different before? like each a diferent color

[5:40:30 PM] KM: haha yea

[5:41:15 PM] KM: sometimes i can't decide

[5:48:32 PM] KM: plus i've always wanted to be done up in make-up and fancy clothes lol

[5:49:05 PM] KM: weird

[5:53:34 PM] CG: LOL

[5:54:05 PM] KM: like a girly girl

[5:54:09 PM] KM: :)

[5:54:47 PM] KM: what are you up to now? trying to nap? lol

[5:55:16 PM] CG: listening to music mostly

[5:55:17 PM] CG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9sGd-JLvNA

[5:55:24 PM] CG: i love the solo

[5:55:36 PM] CG: you can just skip to 4:30 if you want to hear ir

[5:57:12 PM] KM: haha yeaa

[5:57:20 PM] KM: i like classic

[5:57:24 PM] KM: rock

[5:57:59 PM] KM: but i'm more of a fan of the eagles than skynard

[5:58:17 PM] KM: although i know you'll probably make fun of me for that lol

[5:58:38 PM] CG: not all...im more of fan anything with good solos

[5:58:58 PM] CG: doesnt matter who

[6:00:32 PM] KM: coolio

[6:00:59 PM] KM: this genre reminds me of my dad. its all the music he used to play when we would drive aywhere.

[6:01:04 PM] KM: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km4-eKvv3EM

[6:02:48 PM] KM: its fun

[6:03:51 PM] CG: not a bad song

[6:04:36 PM] KM: eh, its the doobie brothers so its light

[6:04:46 PM] KM: lol i almost types boobie brothers

[6:04:52 PM] KM: typed*

[6:06:42 PM] CG: LOL

[6:06:55 PM] KM: boobie brothers?

[6:06:56 PM] KM: lol

[6:08:06 PM] KM: i took a photography class at fiu a few years ago

[6:08:12 PM] KM: black & white

[6:09:02 PM] CG: and?

[6:09:12 PM] KM: i loved it

[6:09:23 PM] KM: watching americas next top model reminds me of it

[6:09:26 PM] KM: lol thats all

[6:09:29 PM] KM: geez

[6:09:52 PM] CG: lol i was just getting context lol

[6:10:01 PM] KM: you should see some of my work

[6:10:03 PM] KM: ;)

[6:10:04 PM] KM: lol

[6:10:29 PM] KM: that sounds like a pick up line

[6:11:14 PM] KM: "you should see some of my work" ;)

[6:21:46 PM] KM: i can make you my new subject booooiiii lol

[6:22:09 PM] CG: lol

[6:22:26 PM] CG: i dont do full nudes though

[6:22:56 PM] KM: partial nudes?

[6:23:24 PM] CG: maybe a shoulder

[6:24:01 PM] KM: i'll just superimpose your face on someone else's body lol

[6:24:26 PM] CG: fine put on radcliffes body...

[6:24:34 PM] KM: haha! sexy!

[6:24:39 PM] KM: jealoussssss....

[6:24:42 PM] KM: ;)

[6:24:43 PM] KM: lol

[6:25:05 PM] KM: we can take pictures together lol

[6:25:10 PM] KM: hiyo

[6:28:55 PM] KM: jk

[6:51:31 PM] CG: hi!!!

[6:51:34 PM] CG: that is all

[6:54:16 PM] KM: do you think its weird

[6:54:18 PM] KM: ?

[6:54:24 PM] CG: what is?

[6:54:31 PM] KM: us?

[6:55:00 PM] CG: nope

[6:55:06 PM] CG: i would rather be wierd than normal

[6:55:44 PM] KM: i wish you were here

[6:56:29 PM] CG: yeah....

[6:57:14 PM] KM: i just did some laundry :)

[6:58:01 PM] KM: one of my favorite feelings is laying in a bed with freshly clean sheets

[6:58:27 PM] KM: i didn't mean 'i wish you were hear' in a bad way

[6:58:33 PM] KM: if you took it that way

[6:58:33 PM] CG: yeah i know

[6:59:05 PM] KM: are you upset?

[6:59:41 PM] CG: no just pondering...which i know is not a good thing to do lol

[6:59:51 PM] KM: about?

[7:00:40 PM] CG: the same stuff...but thats depressing lol

[7:01:58 PM] CG: cause i dont want to bring you down either

[7:02:41 PM] KM: i know

[7:03:06 PM] KM: you don't bring me down

[7:03:35 PM] KM: i kinda think about it regardless if you remind me or not, lol

[7:03:42 PM] CG: lol

[7:04:15 PM] KM: can i be honest with you?

[7:04:20 PM] CG: yeah

[7:04:28 PM] CG: you know you can always

[7:05:51 PM] KM: i asked you do you think we're weird because i find myself missing you even though we've never been in the same vicinity of each other for more than 20 mins.

[7:05:56 PM] KM: and...

[7:06:17 PM] KM: i like it. i like you

[7:06:52 PM] KM: i guess its just a bit weird to like someone 2500 miles away

[7:07:04 PM] KM: for me at least, cause i've never been in this situation before

[7:07:17 PM] KM: sorry if that was a lot

[7:07:19 PM] KM: :/

[7:08:11 PM] KM: i didn't mean i like the distance when i said 'i like it' before. i just meant that i like liking you, lol

[7:10:20 PM] CG: ...im not ignoring you...im just thinking

[7:10:49 PM] CG: and i like you too...just ive never been in this situation before...and it looms on me

[7:11:00 PM] CG: every now and then

[7:12:20 PM] KM: yea

[7:13:05 PM] KM: i'm happy we'll get to see each other over thanksgiving

[7:13:42 PM] KM: i know i've said this before, but maybe we should try not to think about it/not make any decisions until then?

[7:13:55 PM] CG: and i totally agree

[7:14:05 PM] CG: just easier said then done

[7:14:25 PM] KM: yea, same here

[7:19:06 PM] KM: i'm sorry

[7:21:07 PM] CG: you have nothing to be sorry about

[7:21:42 PM] KM: fyi, i don't think its impossible

[7:24:49 PM] KM: but i'm sure it woud be difficult

[7:25:27 PM] CG: yeah i agree..i know its not impossible..i just dont know how emotionally i would be able to handle it

[7:26:16 PM] KM: what do you mean?

[7:32:23 PM] KM: hey, i'm heading out jogging

[7:32:50 PM] CG: sorry i wasnt more communicative

[7:33:02 PM] CG: just thinking lol

[7:35:06 PM] KM: no its ok. i know we're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place (for lack of a better cliche). but there's not much more we can do right now besides waiting and seeing what thanksgiving break brings us, i guess.

[7:35:28 PM] CG: and im all about that

[7:35:48 PM] KM: alright then

[7:35:56 PM] KM: i'll talk to you later alligator

[7:36:16 PM] CG: lol....go like a fetus and head out

[7:36:38 PM] KM: i was actully born feet first/sunny side up fyi

[7:36:47 PM] CG: LOL

[7:36:49 PM] CG: wow

[7:36:52 PM] KM: both kinda work now i guess

[7:37:14 PM] KM: yea my mom had to have a c section cause the cord was also around my neck

[7:37:24 PM] CG: LOL

[7:37:27 PM] CG: problem child

[7:37:33 PM] KMd: seriously

[7:37:36 PM] KM: from the beginning

[7:37:37 PM] KM: ok

[7:37:42 PM] KM: bbbyyyyyeeeee

[7:37:48 PM] CG: byyyyyyyyeeeeeeee

[7:37:49 PM] KM: what time are you heading out?

[7:37:59 PM] CG: hour and a half

[7:38:10 PM] KM: okie dokie

[7:38:37 PM] KM: try to enjoy :)

[7:38:45 PM] CG: i will lol

[7:38:52 PM] KG: k, bye again

[7:39:26 PM] CG: buh bye

Whisper

What if this was you? How would you try to explain everything? How would you get me to pick up the phone? What kind of man lets love slip away... to leave such a good thing behind? How would you ask me to come back to you? Could you let yourself whisper? Ern?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WH23NN5iuwY

Rice Dreams

For a second I got sad today. I thought of how you and I are forgetting each other. I think before, when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I wasn't necessarily conscious of the fact that we were forgetting each other. This time its different. This time I am completely aware that someday I will be a passing thought, if I am not so already.

I'm not particularly mad, but sometimes thinking that way makes me sad.

When we last talked about it, I knew then that we were slowly forgetting each other. I couldn't remember how you felt, how you kissed, how you smiled at me as if I could be yours. You have been gone for too long, even though you've kinda have been there all along. I've been wondering when you might call me, and unsurprisingly you never do. Its not like I expect you to. I'm just aware that you haven't.

Part of me wants you to call me so I can tell you to leave me alone:

"This time it is me. I am leaving you. I've been alone for so long that my mind can't conceive the possibility or idea of you and I anymore. Its hard to remember how to love you.

And I get angry at you for the doubt you have instilled in me. You will never know or understand how sad you I've been. No matter how many verses I have dedicated to you, the breaking of my heart is still a sound you can never hear.

I'm gone. I am leaving you this time. Whether your strength is a reality or not doesn't matter. No longer will I be there to answer your future calls. No longer will I wait for you to decide on me. Inconsistencies have caused me to want to forget you. Reduce you to a passing thought. It was never real. I excused you too many times, and I deserve better. You already knew that. You know that no matter how hard you and I could have worked on us, it would have never been the same. Face reality. You will never see me again. You and I will never speak to each other again. I will fly to the farthest reaches of the Earth and leave your memory behind. The day I forget you will be the day I will be happy. Our happiness happened so long ago. You broke everything. You ruined everything. You failed. I grew, I matured, I loved. What did you do? What did you sacrifice? What was real? I'm not sure what was real. I was living in a nightmare where I wasn't sure if you really existed, yet somehow you continued to hurt me. What did I do to deserve this? Why didn't I get the same level of respect you gave to your previous girlfriends. Why have I been the exception you choose to hurt? Why me? How could you? There's no love between us. I wish you would've picked someone else. I wish someone else could have kissed you on Black Friday. How appropriate. I will now follow you into the unknown."

-------------------------

Clearly I'm imagining you caring somewhere. I can see you reading this entry. Do you doubt me? Are you purposely going to ignore me to test my strength. You always test me. I am never enough.

I don't care if I am alone. I don't care if I never find anyone else. All I care about is being fine without you. All I did was love you, and all you did was pretend. If it was real, then why can't I believe you?

Congratulations.

I'm sure you're happy with all this.

Drank Around the World

Twenty minutes caught me.

Caught you.

Instant.

I suddenly wished you were sitting across from me.

I pictured you smiling, and it made me miss you more.

Sometimes its painful.

The ache I have for you is unlike the ache I've had before.

I want to feel what you feel like.

Disconnect from the time zones that keep us apart.

I want to press my face to yours, holding my breath for the first time with you.

I want nothing more than to take you.

Take me away from here.

I dream of us smiling together.

I've never been one to believe.

I've never been one to let go,

but you are.

You are what I want to make sense.

You are my joy.

You are what I have been waiting for.

You are what I could wait for.

You are what I am waiting for.

Let us go.

Zombie.

Although they've never touched,

my hands miss yours.

If I could have your thoughts...

If you could have my heart?

California dreaming.

Highlander

"You meet thousands of people, and then you meet one person."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have met many strangers. I have dated many men. But when I met Ern, and yes I use 'met' loosely, my world was instantly shifted. Everything I thought I knew about love would eventually become forgotten, because with Ern I learned a whole new definition.

At first, it was amazing. I truly do believe we were instantly addicted to each other. Before we kissed, he had heartbreak while I had insincerity, but we managed to find fire. It was so mind-boggling to me how we started our relationship long-distance, but felt only inches apart. I breathed in every second of Ern I could get. Hours of phone conversations and weekends of passionate reunions had me in love. I dreamed beautiful dreams of us traveling to Japan, us laughing through our memories, us making love, and simply us sharing our days together. I had never been the relationship type of girl before Ern, but our kiss changed me. There were no other words to describe the care, attraction, and compassion I had eventually developed for Ern, besides 'love.'

But then we became difficult. I was frustrated, complicated, and eventually tired. He was quiet and withheld his thoughts within reason. There were so many people and issues surrounding us that we lost sight of what we cared about most... each other. This undeniable pressure from others consuming our relationship, grew into pure exhaustion. Although we had this passionate connection between us, which gave us the ability to communicate intellectually and physically, we couldn't handle the bullshit that was consuming us. I began to grapple with the idea of ending it, while he too felt the obligation of our relationship stressing him out. We caved in and after a short period of time, he ended our relationship.

I was devastated. Although I had grappled with the idea of us ending, it knocked my heart down when I knew I couldn't put our relationship back together.

I scrambled. I was so distraught that I bought a ticket to New York within a 4 days notice, just to get the hell away from the heartbreak. It was chaos. I wanted only to escape the loss of him. I was in a fury, crying anytime my mind wandered (which if you know me, that happens a lot). I was vulnerable, and although I wanted us to work, I almost couldn't handle the cards he dealt to me next.

Withholding all details, about 2 weeks after our break-up, more devastating news was brought to my attention. I seemed to have lost 2 best friends in one weekend. There are no words that could attempt to describe the depression that soon took hold of me. And to further add to my spiral, my grandfather passed away a few weeks after our break-up. No one seemed to be my companion. I drove myself insane. I started running 4 miles a day, discontinued eating, disconnected from friends, and focused solely on school... all in an attempt to mask the painful depression I was dealing with.

I truly thought Ern and I were done... for many reasons, but primarily I felt so dedicated to shutting him out of my life forever. Although I was struggling without him, I told myself to forget him. He had crushed me so deeply, that I thought there would never be a chance of me forgiving him, much less maintaining communication with him.

But somehow we did...

Somehow we began communicating again. It was hard, but that addiction crept it's way back into my life. Slowly I heard him out. He apologized, I listened, and we cried. His tears broke the anger I had inside, and I realized then that this was no ordinary love. We found again that fire. Physically we expressed our emotional devotion, that in spite of our past transgressions and continual question mark surrounding the nature of our relationship, we grew to love again. Words became irrelevant as our addictions to each other's thoughts, actions, and hearts brought us to a new level of care.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The rest of the story breaks my heart. I can't really offer an explanation as to what happened between us because I only know (feel) one side of the story. I have yet to stop loving Ern. This love I have for him tears me apart, because I still struggle with trying to understand where he stands with his feelings for me.

Am I unable to see the reality of the situation? No. I know where his is, and where he stands, but something deep down really believes he is fully aware of his addiction to me.

We have never been just friends, and as unfortunate as it sounds, I highly doubt we could ever be just friends. And although the waves of fire seemed to have shown itself only in bits, the fire has never truly been extinguished. In spite of us spending time apart and us dating other people, we have always managed to come back together, rekindling much of the flame we swore we lost years ago.

I digress, to refer back to the initial quote I posted in this blog entry. Now what exactly does this mean? Like I've answered before, I am able to see the reality of the situation. I know that he is in a 'nice' relationship with someone else who I'm sure also makes him happy. But I ask, is there a fire remotely resembling the one he has for me? Is there an addiction to her mind, body, soul, intellect, humor, communication, devotion, love, or frustration? I understand passion has it's degrees, and all of these 'addictions' to a person's qualities vary from the daters and datees, but can he truly believe there will ever be a fire like ours. We meet thousands of people in a lifetime, but only meet one person. Why waste our energies and devotion on 'nice' people, when we could be diving in to an almost new kind of passion with each other...?

I know I am assuming a great deal, but there are moments in our lifetimes that define our existence. Instances that dynamically alter the rest of our lives. With that being said, I know that our kiss at the Hard Rock on that fateful November evening, forever altered our existence. It set the tone for the rest of Katie and Ern's existence, causing us to be unable to let go. We don't know how to escape the passion or break the addiction, because it was at that moment we instantly loved. I sometimes feel as if I wouldn't be able to escape Ern even if I really wanted to. At times, those instances become irreversible, not caring who's life they change.

Now, I don't say these things without understanding the repercussions of what these feelings entail. This kind of passion between us doesn't come without the frustration and work needed in order to maintain it, which is where we have previously faltered. It would take major effort in order to stabilize even the idea of a relationship between us two. I am also able to see how this might be seen as impulsive, weak, presumptuous, etc... I know. But I can't seem to think of any reason as to why Ern and I have maintained "our kind of madness," whether intentional or not.

Maybe I'm in denial. Resistant to the idea of Ern just being over me. But there are moments now when I feel his heart slip back to me. Where I see his eyes capture me once again. Feelings within our conversations that become almost impossible to suppress. Again, I find myself craving our conversations, wishing to touch his lips, and longing to embrace his body.

Do I know what this all means? No. Do I know how Ern and I will end up? No. But its these kinds of thoughts that take my heart back to a place where I only knew how to believe in us. And yes, sometimes these thoughts intimidate me. I get nervous not only thinking that if we were to try again we might fail, but also thinking about if we were to try again, we might succeed, which at times, can be even more nerve-racking.

But in spite of my nerves, I know where my heart lies. I know what I feel, and how I wish to express it. I want nothing more than to try again. To build us slowly, enjoying any moment we can get. Although we've had our faults, I believe our instantaneous passion still lies within us, begging to be set free. We have evolved, we have learned, and we have loved.

So I push on. I take a stance, and fight for the one I knew I loved years ago, and for the one I know I love now.

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"I have met thousands of people, and I have met only one Ern."

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2329347609/ (in case you're wondering where the initial quote came from).

Sinimani

I just got back from walking Samson... or better yet him walking me... and while I was out I ran into this couple that had just moved in across the street. They saw Sam and wanted to pet him and share their dog stories with me, which is completely normal. It turns out, they are the most gorgeous couple I have ever seen in my life. Both are Amazonian tall. Both are extremely well dressed. Both are super nice and well-spoken, and have the most amazing faces... weird, no?

It just strikes me at how perfect they seem/are. Its weird to feel jealous of strangers. For a second I wanted to be them. I started to wonder about their dynamic, if the sex was good, if they still laugh at each others' jokes, or set aside time to go on dates or share the day's stories with one another. They must be perfect. There are so many dysfunctional couples surrounding me, that its hard to imagine what 'perfect' is within a relationship. I understand that the meaning of perfect varies from person to person, I just felt as if I had met the most fantastic, almost celebrity-style couple

I wish I could be normal. Tonight was weird. I stood up someone, thinking I might actually go on a date with someone I'm interested in, only to be stood up in return. Sucks. Its that same firefighter from the dog park. Tonight was supposed to be the first night we actually meet up outside the dog park... and instead I got stood up. I don't believe in karma, but I'm sure the cosmic love gods partook in tonight's events, in response to me blowing someone off (not in the good way, haha).

I get so frustrated. I wish this person that's supposed to let me get over Ern would just show himself already. I think about Ern so many times throughout the day, and I can't seem to detach the romantic and emotional side from those thoughts. I wish I could think of him as just a friend, but I have yet to be able to. I wonder if he understands how I feel. I've longed for people before, but to me these feelings surpass all previous beliefs. Its like this empty vacuum in my chest, that when a thought of him comes to mind, all of a sudden the vacuum is turned on and pulls at everything surrounding my heart, as if it is imploding.

I would give anything to have one more moment with him. One more time to kiss him. One more time to swim in the ocean at night or feel for each other under the covers. I can close my eyes and feel my caress across his skin and retrace every inch of his body, touching the smoothest skin on his hips and back. God I miss that passion. I miss the fire. The companionship. The confusion. The anger. The love. I miss his bad breath in the morning. His skinny ankles. His smell every time I would breath him in. The way his hair on his arms ends where his shirt sleeve would start.

I have never loved anyone the way I love Ern. And I get so mad at whatever cosmic being responsible for allowing me to feel this much. I know he wishes I could be normal and look at him like any other person/friend. He's such a dream.

But these thoughts are meaningless. These feelings hold no weight. It is the hardest thing to love someone so much who you're not allowed to. To walk with such a heavy heart breaks me down. And knowing there is nothing I can do about it drags me further through this misery.

So when I see this gorgeous couple standing before me, I wish nothing more than to stand in their shoes. To seemingly stand next to the one I love with the confidence of his love in return. I want that normalcy, and I worry there will never be a normal for me. Especially without Ern, a reciprocated love.

Lastly, this past week for my Latin American History Colloquium, we were required to read, The Mixtecs of Colonial Oazaca: Nudzahui History, Sixteenth Through Eighteenth Centuries, by Kevin Terraciano. Granted I got through about 20 pages (of a 510 page book), but something struck out at me during class. In his chapter entitled, Language, Terraciano discusses the way in which the Nudzahui composed their language by employing a noun as an object of a common verb. As he gave examples, one particularly stuck out:

"The verb 'to love' is sinimani, consisting of sini (to know), and mani (preciousness)."

I've never been able to give Ern a substantial reason for loving him the way that I do. Even to this day, Ern is incapable of understanding how I, of all people, can honestly waste away with the dream of loving him. When I read Terraciano's passage, I couldn't help but think of Ern, thinking the Nudzahui definition of "to love" essentially relates to mine. To love Ern is to know preciousness. To me, there is an undeniable value to Ern that has obtained a certain kind of preciousness, that surpasses any love I've known. I don't want to give up.

sinimani