Forced Socialization

I think going to dog parks forces you to socialize. Once your dog starts rough-housing and playing with another dog, you're basically stuck in a situation of talking with that dog's owner. You end up knowing and remembering the dog's names before their owner's, which I find weird. My experience has been semi-positive. I guess it does not matter about my experience because it really is all about Samson, but it has been quite odd.
I met a guy there, which I find weird, just because it almost felt like forced socialization due to his dog and my dog playing. He has an Australian Shepherd too named Foster. Samson and Foster bonded quickly so I made my way over to watch Samson and ended up meeting Foster's owner. His name is Sean, or I guess it could be spelled "Shawn." We met about a week ago, and for the first time talking with someone at a dog park didn't feel awkward.
He's not my type at all, although many of my friends would argue that I do not have a type. He's tall, white, very muscular (on the gym robot, meat head side), never went to college, and he's a former marine turned fire fighter. I would say he's not my typical type just because most of the men that I have been recently into (or still in love with) don't come in the prettiest of packages, not that the men I date aren't attractive, its just that they don't normally fit into the generic good looks categories. They typically have a scratch or two to them that in spite of their otherwise attractive features, makes them even more irresistible. Sean on the other hand fits the usual "good-looking" guy... kinda like the type of guy who wouldn't normally be into me.
Again, I met him about a week ago, and instantly got along well with him. We engaged in small talk, kinda flirted, and got to know each other a little bit. At the end of the first day, we parted ways without exchanging any contact information or a last name. That was on a Thursday.
The following Tuesday comes along, and I decide to take Samson to the dog park again. I love to see Samson having a good time, seeing as he barely gets out when we're stuck at home. Thirty minutes pass at the dog park, with barely any dogs showing up, and suddenly out runs Foster. I soon turn to my left to see Sean standing there. Needless to say, I was very surprised because we obviously hadn't made any plans the previous day to meet up again at the dog park. So for the next hour or so we talk, laugh, joke, and interact with each other on a very friendly level. I can't confirm he was flirting with me just because I still think (due to his looks and profession) he's out of my league. Later, we decide to gather our dogs and wash them together at the bathing area. He shares his shampoo with me as I lend him an extra towel and continue on in conversation. As we are leaving, he asks me for my number so that we can arrange another day at the dog park.
See, this may be considered a more than a dog park day kind of exchange, but I'm not so sure of that. We met up again today at the dog park, and nothing really progressed following today's adventures. Aside from picking up poop, talking, and playing with our dogs, no further flirtation occurred. He joked that he might visit me on my double tomorrow, planned to possibly meet up Monday, but that really was it.
Eh... so I don't know. I still am utterly bogged down with the thought of Ern, but that is continually proving to be a disappointment on my end. I don't think he understands.
Again on the subject of dog park socialization, its just weird yet fun, meeting all these people.

"I Am Thinking It's a Sign, That the Freckles in Our Eyes are Mirror Images"

I have trouble believing that everything happens for a reason. Or that fate is the main controller of our lives. Many people believe otherwise, and I think most use it to cushion the pain from whatever went opposite of what they desired. It's a comfort to believe everything happens for a reason. I like to believe that things just happen, without reason, without hope, and at most times, without planning. Everyday choices guide our lives, and it is only in hindsight that we are able to see the strings that tie us to our final outcomes.

I wish I could sneak a peak at myself in 10 years. It'd be cool to see where I am, who I'm with, if there's kids, houses, etc...

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never be able to get over you. I have low expectations for tonight. I have this feeling that you may never choose me again, and as much as we both hate the word never, I can't believe in you choosing me tonight. And it's okay, because above all I want you to be happy, but it kills me to know you are with someone else. And for the sake of your relationship, my sanity, and my heart, I can't live in a world where you aren't mine. We've tried being just friends, but I never stopped loving you, and I'm not sure if I ever can. Forgive me, because I know this is basically an unwritten ultimatum, but I can't be okay without you here.

When I picture you, I only picture us. I've been missing you for so long.

It's funny, I just got off the phone with my friend Mike, and he was playing a few songs on his guitar to keep us entertained. He began to sing "Such Great Heights" and this immense amount of warmth took over me, and I was suddenly brought back to that rooftop you took me to overlooking Miami. I can picture the night sky, the cool air, your hands overlapping mine, and feel the warmth of your body holding me from falling over the edge. I hummed "Such Great Heights" as we swayed in the moonlight. I don't remember if you saw, but I teared up. I had never had anyone treat me so well like you did. I had never had anyone show me so much in such a little amount of time. So I knew when I told you I loved you, I wasn't lying. I was not scared. I wasn't doubtful. And even as our relationship grew, fell apart, and managed to stay around, I always came back to that moment of you holding me as we overlooked the Miami skyline. I think that's why the break-up bewildered me, and probably why to this day I have difficulty letting you go.

But there pops up the idea of fate again, or a reason for us. And as much as I don't necessarily believe in fate, I do believe that there has been some cosmic and magnetic force consistently bringing us together. Lives crossed.

I love you, and I know I will love you for a lifetime.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQIGDyEkngY

Nothing Normal

I am the loneliest person. I have no one. Everything I feel, is left within me, for I have no one to share it with. So much weighs on me and there's no one to help carry it. I felt like with you, it was easier. Without you, I'm crumbling. I wish I understood why I feel this way. Its crazy, literally crazy to feel this way still. Is there reason to this madness? Something is clearly wrong with me if I have hoped for you for so long. You're gone. You're gone but I still feel for you. I ache for you. You never leave my mind, and it is simply madness. There's no explanation to help me understand why I feel so much love for you. And yet, it all goes unanswered.

I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know she's in your life now, but it's killing me. I feel like its physically killing me to live with this mindset. Knowing she's better than me. Knowing you get to have someone there. You get companionship, while I get to be alone. That drives me mad. You cheated on me, you lied, you ruined a friendship, you hurt me so many times in so many ways, and yet you get a prize at the end??? Where is the fairness in that? I am your prize, because in spite and with love for everything, I was standing there holding your hand. I was there through your ups and your downs, and yet you deserve better than me? Who else will love you the way that I do? Where is my companion if you're gone? Who else do I get to give my heart away. Why do you get the normal, steady, "happy" relationship? I get the scraps. I get to sit in my room, on my broken bed, on my dirty sheets, in my dirty clothes, with myself. Only with myself. Where is the fairness in that? What have I done to deserve this? I gave everything, and in spite of us failing, there is no one else to help me carry. I am so alone. I'm dying. I feel this rush of emotion leaving my body every time I hear your name, and I know its your name that's killing me. I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't laugh. This isn't normal, this isn't sane. How can you be okay with this? Where are your tears, where is your sadness, where is your loneliness? Why am I left? This isn't normal.

Meet Me in Montauk

How can I embrace the thought of you and someone else?
How can I let my heart understand you and the words that hurt so much?
I sobbed the entire way home.
The moment I left your driveway I broke down.
I couldn't see, breath, think.
It hurts so bad.
To not be the one you want to kiss.
To not be the one you want to share your thoughts with.
To loose a best friend,
to loose a lover.
These thoughts overwhelm me as I imagine your face, your warmth, your hands.
Images of us fly by... and pass me.
If I'm not enough...
What is so wrong with me?
What is so unimaginably vile that you can't picture a life with me simply as yours?
How is that so bad?
How is it so wrong?
That you would wish someone else to be in your arms.
That you would make chocolate chip pancakes with someone else standing in your kitchen.
That you would wake up to someone else's smile.
You'd take that all away from me.
Take your smile, your eyes, your self.
I wish I knew how to make you happy.
I would sacrifice my every being to make you smile, to make you at ease, to make you sense satisfaction and compassion.
I've lost the hope.
You've burnt my heart to stone.
I can't think without my body wanting to collapse.
I collapse every second.
I break apart.
What am I to do now?
Sit. Smile. Repeat?
Make you happy by keeping myself in tune with your offertory of friendship?
What really was our friendship?
You separate me from the entirety of your life.
What friend treats their friends the way that you treat me?
Who would allow someone to suffer within every context of our situation?
No call.
No visit.
No concern.
Where are you when I worry?
When I cry?
Yet, I am punished for caring the way I do.
I get ridiculed for feeling the way I do.
It must be some sick joke for me to care about someone who could care less if I loved them.
I dreamed of the day when you would one day see me with an ounce of insight into how I see you, but instead you turn completely in the other direction.
Would you be there even if you wanted to?
If you realized the grass was actually brown on the other side, and mine had always been green.
Does pride conquer your heart?
Are you too proud to ever admit and realize I have been here all along?
Never would you renege.
Never would your heart admit defeat.
Maybe I can't seem to capture that sacrifice.
The realization that love takes questioning, love takes struggle, love takes patience.
Love takes.
But love gives.
Love directs the embraces.
Directs the fears, doubts, questions.
Love directs the answers.
What is our answer?
What will we do now?
What will I do now?
Sit, wait, wish?
I've been wishing for too long.
Will I wish much longer?
You are one sweet love.
One that I would follow for a lifetime,
to become the person you would come home to.
My grass will always be greener.
If you want, my heart may always be yours.
Yours.
I can't continue.
My memory is cruel.
Eyes wide shut, wide open.
It could all be so simple, but WE rather make it hard.
Move on as you wish to?
Move on as you wish to.
Move on as I wish to?
Move on as I wish to.

__________________________________________________________

I know you're reading this. This isn't fair for me.
The other night when I picked you up from Underground Blues, you said something that struck me, and I couldn't quite place my finger on it until now. You said, "You're too good to me, but I treat you so bad. I know you feel bad."
It may have been the alcohol and because you probably had read my other journal/blog posts, and can tell that I suffer when you are gone. But since this morning, what you said sends off a different message.
I know I jump quickly to conclusions, and although you merely mentioned being interested in setting aside our physical relationship to clear your mind for the possibility of entertaining a relationship with someone else...

Ok, I'm unable to continue that sentence. It hurts me so much. It hurts me inside to think of a vague someone else.
I just feel like a true idiot. To think that I had hope still after everything we had gone through, everything you had already told me. I listened to every word you said about us not being affectionate for the betterment of 'us', but I still wished on some shitty shooting star that you might actually want to be with me for a change.
I guess that why it hurts so much because all the hoping and wishing left me even further empty handed. And although I figured the worst was inevitable, I still felt every one of your kisses as if they were mine. I believed that underneath your every desire to let me go, there was a stronger desire to keep me. But it feels like more than just letting go, it feels like you pushing me away.
I can't be around you if you decide to openly date someone else. I struggled just to type that sentence, so I can't imagine how I would feel seeing you in a separate relationship.
I wish this was easier for both of us. That I didn't have to suffer, and you didn't have to feel responsible, at least not for this kind of suffering.
To be honest, I suffer constantly for you, and I would constantly suffer for you. But this pain I can't handle. I can't know you would rather explore the vast regions of distant relationships, than spend your evenings with me.
And this kind of thinking always makes me wonder my worth to you. Meaning, what is it worth for me to be in your life? What would you be sacrificing to go explore with other girls? What would you truly be loosing if I disappeared? Is it worth loosing me?
Because I would wait. As I said before, I would essentially participate in the beauty pageant even if I was the ugliest girl to show up, because for you Ern, I would always show up.
I would tread water for a lifetime to be yours.

I've thought about this today. I figured that if you are legitimately/exclusively dating someone else, I can't be around. I ask you to understand because I don't know how I ever would be able to handle that, and although I am a strong woman, I'm not that strong.
If you are casually dating other people, than keep me as however you want to. If you want to sleep next to me, if you want to go somewhere and eat dinner then watch a movie (I promise to stay up!), or simply anything, then keep me, call me, like me. I'll still compete in the pageant. Just don't lie to me, and don't tell me anything regarding your 'dating life.'
Also, don't throw us away. If you happen to decide I may be everything you want and need (I guess a girl can still hope), tell me. Dry my tears and hug me. Tell me that I am enough, if not more than enough, so we could just be.

Leap and the Net Will Appear

Ahh... it was so nice to see Hulu make a Jason Mraz special with all his music videos and new live performances.
His voice... indescribable.

'won't you hang around, so the sun can shine on me, and the clouds they can roll away, and the sky can become possibilities.'

*sigh* love Love LOVE his music.

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You know, I thought by now, I would learn how to not procrastinate. I'd be so grateful for the opprotunity to be in graduate school, I would jump at the moment I could do any work. Yet, here I am, procrastinating again, loosing focus on my studies. It pisses me off that I feel like I need to check facebook, play solitaire, check cnn.com. I should want to get things done A.S.A.P. instead of last minute. I feel like such a bad grad student. Boo

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So poor.... so poor. I need to come up with some serious cash. Car payment, Rent, utilities, phone, school books, food.... Dammit.

Random, but I used/still think that I would make a great escort. I'm not saying I want to be a prostitute, sex wouldn't be necessary (unless he's cute... jk, if he's cute he wouldn't need an escort), but I know I'm great company, and when I dress up, I dress well. So I think I would be a great escort for anyone who needed a date for a special evening or event. That way I could make great money and not have to work as a damn server.

===================================================================

Luckily my roommates got me a Target giftcard so I can now buy some groceries... 1st time in 2 months. Damn

"Revelry" - Kings of Leon

What a night for a dance,
You know I'm a dancing machine.
Put a fire in my bones
With the sweet taste of kerosene.

I get lost in the night,
So high, I don't want to come down
To face the loss of the good thing that I found.

In the dark of the night I can hear you calling my name.
With the hardest of hearts, I still feel full of pain.

So I drink and I smoke
And I ask if you're ever around.
Even though it was me
Who drove us right in the ground.

See, the time we shared
It was precious to me.
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry.

Born to run, baby, run like a stream down a mountainside.
With the wind at my back, I don't ever even bat an eye.
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart.
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start.

So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry.

Dreaming of revelry

And I told myself, boy away you go,
It rained so hard it felt like snow.
Everything came tumbling down on me.

In the back of the woods, in dark of the night, the paleness of the old moonlight.
Everything just felt so incomplete.

Dreaming of revelry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZyGWg0uqkw

Earlobes

I'm the best when it comes to procrastination. Which sucks. I wish I had more drive in me to do things right off the bat, instead of waiting until the last minute to finish something. Even now... here I am procrastinating.

I worked a double yesterday at the restaurant, and I'm exhausted. Its horrible. After working for so long, you need a day to recover physically and mentally. After awhile there everything starts blurring. The people, the food, your co-workers.

When I got home I couldn't even sleep. I wanted to get out, move, talk to people, but it was 2:30am, so no one would've answered. I get antsy after work, even though I'm exhausted. I can't go right to sleep.

So I watched the latest SNL episode on Hulu and finally fell asleep around 3:30am. Instead of sleeping in, which I wish I had, I woke up on my own at 8:46am, and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I know some of it is due to all the stress on my mind, but I can't trace any further reasoning.

Random thought.

When I was a kid, I used to love it when my mom would clean my ears with a Q-tip. It used to feel so good when she would pull my ear and swab the inner and outer ear clean of all the dirt and wax. She would lay my head on her lap, turn my head, the pull and swab. I was just cleaning my ears now, and I just thought about her. I used to also like it when she would put earrings into my pierced ears. It just felt good to have her do this for me. She would massage my earlobes before putting them in/taking them out, then try and get it correctly into the piercing.

I know, its so strange to be thinking of this now.

________________

Sigh, sigh, sigh.