Meet Me in Montauk

How can I embrace the thought of you and someone else?
How can I let my heart understand you and the words that hurt so much?
I sobbed the entire way home.
The moment I left your driveway I broke down.
I couldn't see, breath, think.
It hurts so bad.
To not be the one you want to kiss.
To not be the one you want to share your thoughts with.
To loose a best friend,
to loose a lover.
These thoughts overwhelm me as I imagine your face, your warmth, your hands.
Images of us fly by... and pass me.
If I'm not enough...
What is so wrong with me?
What is so unimaginably vile that you can't picture a life with me simply as yours?
How is that so bad?
How is it so wrong?
That you would wish someone else to be in your arms.
That you would make chocolate chip pancakes with someone else standing in your kitchen.
That you would wake up to someone else's smile.
You'd take that all away from me.
Take your smile, your eyes, your self.
I wish I knew how to make you happy.
I would sacrifice my every being to make you smile, to make you at ease, to make you sense satisfaction and compassion.
I've lost the hope.
You've burnt my heart to stone.
I can't think without my body wanting to collapse.
I collapse every second.
I break apart.
What am I to do now?
Sit. Smile. Repeat?
Make you happy by keeping myself in tune with your offertory of friendship?
What really was our friendship?
You separate me from the entirety of your life.
What friend treats their friends the way that you treat me?
Who would allow someone to suffer within every context of our situation?
No call.
No visit.
No concern.
Where are you when I worry?
When I cry?
Yet, I am punished for caring the way I do.
I get ridiculed for feeling the way I do.
It must be some sick joke for me to care about someone who could care less if I loved them.
I dreamed of the day when you would one day see me with an ounce of insight into how I see you, but instead you turn completely in the other direction.
Would you be there even if you wanted to?
If you realized the grass was actually brown on the other side, and mine had always been green.
Does pride conquer your heart?
Are you too proud to ever admit and realize I have been here all along?
Never would you renege.
Never would your heart admit defeat.
Maybe I can't seem to capture that sacrifice.
The realization that love takes questioning, love takes struggle, love takes patience.
Love takes.
But love gives.
Love directs the embraces.
Directs the fears, doubts, questions.
Love directs the answers.
What is our answer?
What will we do now?
What will I do now?
Sit, wait, wish?
I've been wishing for too long.
Will I wish much longer?
You are one sweet love.
One that I would follow for a lifetime,
to become the person you would come home to.
My grass will always be greener.
If you want, my heart may always be yours.
Yours.
I can't continue.
My memory is cruel.
Eyes wide shut, wide open.
It could all be so simple, but WE rather make it hard.
Move on as you wish to?
Move on as you wish to.
Move on as I wish to?
Move on as I wish to.

__________________________________________________________

I know you're reading this. This isn't fair for me.
The other night when I picked you up from Underground Blues, you said something that struck me, and I couldn't quite place my finger on it until now. You said, "You're too good to me, but I treat you so bad. I know you feel bad."
It may have been the alcohol and because you probably had read my other journal/blog posts, and can tell that I suffer when you are gone. But since this morning, what you said sends off a different message.
I know I jump quickly to conclusions, and although you merely mentioned being interested in setting aside our physical relationship to clear your mind for the possibility of entertaining a relationship with someone else...

Ok, I'm unable to continue that sentence. It hurts me so much. It hurts me inside to think of a vague someone else.
I just feel like a true idiot. To think that I had hope still after everything we had gone through, everything you had already told me. I listened to every word you said about us not being affectionate for the betterment of 'us', but I still wished on some shitty shooting star that you might actually want to be with me for a change.
I guess that why it hurts so much because all the hoping and wishing left me even further empty handed. And although I figured the worst was inevitable, I still felt every one of your kisses as if they were mine. I believed that underneath your every desire to let me go, there was a stronger desire to keep me. But it feels like more than just letting go, it feels like you pushing me away.
I can't be around you if you decide to openly date someone else. I struggled just to type that sentence, so I can't imagine how I would feel seeing you in a separate relationship.
I wish this was easier for both of us. That I didn't have to suffer, and you didn't have to feel responsible, at least not for this kind of suffering.
To be honest, I suffer constantly for you, and I would constantly suffer for you. But this pain I can't handle. I can't know you would rather explore the vast regions of distant relationships, than spend your evenings with me.
And this kind of thinking always makes me wonder my worth to you. Meaning, what is it worth for me to be in your life? What would you be sacrificing to go explore with other girls? What would you truly be loosing if I disappeared? Is it worth loosing me?
Because I would wait. As I said before, I would essentially participate in the beauty pageant even if I was the ugliest girl to show up, because for you Ern, I would always show up.
I would tread water for a lifetime to be yours.

I've thought about this today. I figured that if you are legitimately/exclusively dating someone else, I can't be around. I ask you to understand because I don't know how I ever would be able to handle that, and although I am a strong woman, I'm not that strong.
If you are casually dating other people, than keep me as however you want to. If you want to sleep next to me, if you want to go somewhere and eat dinner then watch a movie (I promise to stay up!), or simply anything, then keep me, call me, like me. I'll still compete in the pageant. Just don't lie to me, and don't tell me anything regarding your 'dating life.'
Also, don't throw us away. If you happen to decide I may be everything you want and need (I guess a girl can still hope), tell me. Dry my tears and hug me. Tell me that I am enough, if not more than enough, so we could just be.