Rice Dreams

For a second I got sad today. I thought of how you and I are forgetting each other. I think before, when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I wasn't necessarily conscious of the fact that we were forgetting each other. This time its different. This time I am completely aware that someday I will be a passing thought, if I am not so already.

I'm not particularly mad, but sometimes thinking that way makes me sad.

When we last talked about it, I knew then that we were slowly forgetting each other. I couldn't remember how you felt, how you kissed, how you smiled at me as if I could be yours. You have been gone for too long, even though you've kinda have been there all along. I've been wondering when you might call me, and unsurprisingly you never do. Its not like I expect you to. I'm just aware that you haven't.

Part of me wants you to call me so I can tell you to leave me alone:

"This time it is me. I am leaving you. I've been alone for so long that my mind can't conceive the possibility or idea of you and I anymore. Its hard to remember how to love you.

And I get angry at you for the doubt you have instilled in me. You will never know or understand how sad you I've been. No matter how many verses I have dedicated to you, the breaking of my heart is still a sound you can never hear.

I'm gone. I am leaving you this time. Whether your strength is a reality or not doesn't matter. No longer will I be there to answer your future calls. No longer will I wait for you to decide on me. Inconsistencies have caused me to want to forget you. Reduce you to a passing thought. It was never real. I excused you too many times, and I deserve better. You already knew that. You know that no matter how hard you and I could have worked on us, it would have never been the same. Face reality. You will never see me again. You and I will never speak to each other again. I will fly to the farthest reaches of the Earth and leave your memory behind. The day I forget you will be the day I will be happy. Our happiness happened so long ago. You broke everything. You ruined everything. You failed. I grew, I matured, I loved. What did you do? What did you sacrifice? What was real? I'm not sure what was real. I was living in a nightmare where I wasn't sure if you really existed, yet somehow you continued to hurt me. What did I do to deserve this? Why didn't I get the same level of respect you gave to your previous girlfriends. Why have I been the exception you choose to hurt? Why me? How could you? There's no love between us. I wish you would've picked someone else. I wish someone else could have kissed you on Black Friday. How appropriate. I will now follow you into the unknown."

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Clearly I'm imagining you caring somewhere. I can see you reading this entry. Do you doubt me? Are you purposely going to ignore me to test my strength. You always test me. I am never enough.

I don't care if I am alone. I don't care if I never find anyone else. All I care about is being fine without you. All I did was love you, and all you did was pretend. If it was real, then why can't I believe you?

Congratulations.

I'm sure you're happy with all this.