For some random reason, I've started thinking about all the awkward things attached to breaking up that involve other people outside of the relationship. For example: Like all of the other person's friends that are still friends with you on Facebook, or how you're supposed to react to seeing the other person's friends in public initially after the break up.
I'm getting really nervous about Wednesday. I have a lot of anxiety attached to picking up CG from the airport. I keep asking people if I should park and pick him up or curbside pick him up, or if I should hug and kiss him when he arrives... although I probably won't because that precedent hasn't really been set. Plus I'll be wearing my Harry Potter t-shirt cause we'll be going dinner and off to see the new Harry Potter right after I pick him up... I have to remember to bring gum just in case.
On top of being nervous about Wednesday, I have new concerns regarding him. The closer I get to seeing him, the more I realize how far away California really is. I care about him, but I'm really not sure how feasible we really are. In turn, I think its causing him to be a bit more apprehensive about us. Not that I'm trying to say I mean more to him than what he's leading on to, but I sense him already trying to keep himself a bit distant, although I also sense him moving closer to me at the same time. I'm only saying this because normally we talk every night for at least an hour or so, but this weekend we only talked once Saturday night for an hour. Friday he was non-responsive to my text messages and subsequent call, claiming that he left his phone in a bad reception area in his house... which has never happened before. He finally responded, but he wasn't as warm as he normally is. Granted he called me later that night when he was walking to his car while he was hanging out with hi friends, but I still felt passed on. Very conflicting.
I think a lot of my concern stems from my previous relationship with Ern. With Ern, I always had this doubt in us because I was always nervous about feeling or thinking something more that what we technically were. He always held those technicalities against me, and in a way took advantage of my willingness to accept anything he gave me. I felt like I was walking on egg shells with him, fearful that at any moment my actions would've caused him to end things. As much as I had my faults, I just wanted Ern and I to be real. I wanted to work on making things easy between us, and I think if he hadn't broken things off we could've gotten to that point actually together. But maybe in actuality this separation has proven to be beneficial for us, because in some way, I feel like we've reached that level. As twisted as it sounds, we've expressed things to each other that he and I might not have been comfortable saying to each other before the break. I know he has a girlfriend, and I know its bad timing and I might be wrong for admitting this, but there has been an honest level of emotion that's been emerging between us that has been missing for a long time. I don't know what this means for us now, but I wish we could have reached this point awhile ago. I'm not saying we're perfect, or if we ever get back together we will be without fault, but its nice to have some sense of ease between us. I know it could have been better. I'm sure it may be better... although I may move to California ;)
I know I'm expressing very different emotions within this blog. I AM excited about Wednesday, but its hard to let go of the past.
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