Nameless

I just feel like a fool. I've been struggling adjusting to being whatever we are, because I understand that we fit in an entirely alternative category. We don't fit in the boyfriend/girlfriend category, don't fit as friends with benefits, and don't fit the just friends category.

Now when I say struggling, I mean struggling. I wish with all my heart to be with him, in that boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. But I accept his desire to not want to be in a relationship, and settle for the best available option, which is what we are now. I love being with him, and for the most part our current, nameless situation is great. We get to enjoy each other emotionally, physically, and mentally, without needing to adhere to any certain label or responsibilities.

But last night struck me hard.

I had been trying to get in touch with him for the last 2 days, since I got back from Chicago, and to no avail, he was unresponsive. As I tried calling him again yesterday, my calls began going straight to voicemail. The last time my calls went straight to voicemail, he was sitting in a jail cell. On top of feeling responsible for him ending up in jail, I was literally worried something horrible had happened to him. We hadn't talked in over a week, so I wasn't sure what happened to him. Worried, I drove to his place to make sure he was okay.

Lo and behold, I discovered him there... with a girl.

Granted when I pulled up and saw another car there, I wasn't sure who it may have been. I just wanted to see him, and make sure he was ok. He scared the hell out of me. So even though I saw another car in the front, I knocked anyway.

When he opened the door, a mixture of emotions took over me, similar to the ones that took hold of me when he was released from jail. I sighed, slightly wanted to punch him but hugged him instead, and thanked God he was okay. As I hugged him, I glanced through the doorway to notice a girl sitting on his couch. Instantly my heart dropped.

Now, I understand we are both single. I get it. We have the freedom to entertain anyone we choose. Since he and I officially broke up (a long time ago, I might add), I honestly have attempted to date a few other people. So essentially I have no right to feel the way I do, although I'm sure he wouldn't get the same feeling as I do if he were to find out that I might be dating someone else.

But those people that I have attempted to date couldn't hold a candle to him. And I honestly tried to make it work with them. I avoided him when the other and I were dating, gave them a chance, and looked deeper into them, attempting to enjoy what they had to offer. I was essentially emotionally and physically attracted to them, but the passion I felt with them couldn't amount to the passion I had/have with him.

So last night when I saw a girl sitting on his couch, I wasn't mad. Heartbroken, definitely. But I figured it was bound to happen. He ushered me in and thus we began to make introductions and discussion. It hurt like hell, but I continued on to make due, preparing for the worst.

.........................

After she left, I was told that he and her weren't dating, and that he, in fact, was not dating anyone else. At the moment I was slightly relieved.

Yet my heart and mind still contain a mix of emotions.

Whether they're friends or not wasn't the only issue, he chose to be unresponsive for 2 days. Ignoring my calls, putting me on a waitlist of people to call hurts. On top of that, he also chooses to keep me buried deep in the trenches of his life.
I don't mean trenches in the negative way, he just keeps me away from other aspects of his life, so maybe I may never grow to become more than friends or maybe just friends.

I had never met the girl on his couch, but she does karate with him, and obviously had been friends with him for awhile. I started thinking about all his friends that I had never met, or all of the life sitiuations he chooses to keep me seperated from.
Maybe its me, but why does he insist on excluding me? I wonder if he seperates all his friends from each other, but I feel as though he specifically doesn't like me crossing my nameless boundaries.

I've thought about this before. I've dealt with being excluded from certain aspects of his life , knowing to him there's no reason to include me. But it hurts to think about this. It hurts to know that he chooses to keep me, forever simply seperated. Just there.

Thats what really struck me last night. That I may never escape the trenches of one single aspect of his life. I had no idea who was sitting on his couch, and I am almost sure that I wouldn't have known who was sitting on his couch if it had been a man, another woman, or child.

I know he cares about me. I do. I just wish he....
I'm not sure how to continue this sentence. I started thinking about what I wish he would do and stopped. I enjoy us. I hope there is no misunderstanding about that.
Maybe our title is just that, us.
It just sucks being held back by 'nameless' boundaries, only being able to define ourselves by something we can't define, or better yet, 'name.'