When I created this blog, I felt inspired by the film, "Love Actually." I watched it last night, as I often do before every Christmas, and the film has triggered some emotions.
The film follows the many intricate love stories of a small group of interconnected people. This tiny sample of interconnected people provide a plethora of different love stories, some terribly sad, and some simply beautiful. What makes this film painfully true, is that I, and probably most of the world's population, have experienced at least 3 of the presented 'love' situations. I have been the lonely Billy Mack, the hopeful Colin, the cheated-upon Karen, and the heartbroken Mark to name a few.
(If YOU are reading this, feel free to look away, as I am sure you will not want to read the following passage)
Lately, I feel as though I have been getting the shit kicked out of me by love (okay last 'love actually' reference). Honestly... I've been feeling as if my heart has been continuously dragged through the streets and drowned in a deep blue ocean. And although I feel this way, there has been no real sudden attack that has plagued by heart to merit this kind of defeat.
But I find myself wishing I could forget all about 'love.' Where I wish this film couldn't trigger the many emotions tied to the thought of 'love.' I have no right to feel this way.
I think of him all the time. I relive each and every laugh, throw of passion, and blissful grip. I can bring myself to tears if I simply think of his legs intertwined with mine as we sleep (as it did now). What becomes so depressing, is lack of reciprocating feelings.
This is my defeat.
For some God-awful reason, I feel beyond passionately about someone who has willingly chosen to remove himself from the possibility of ever feeling love for me. And although I try to understand and respect his decision, and maintain/push a quasi-(non-existent really) relationship, I am often left feeling lonely and depressed. Its just, when we continue to maintain our 'mutual affiliation' (make YOU feel better?), I still see the fireworks. To me, these fireworks are loud and some of the brightest I have ever seen, and yet he can't seem to see them. It's hard to describe, because sometimes I sense it in him, where I see the mutual satisfaction of being together in his eyes, but ultimately know it can't be true. I know he wants to enjoy his freedom. It just boggles my mind that he seems incapable of feeling the burn... the aching feeling of bliss when we catch each other in those simple moments. And I catch myself in these moments often, where it feels so good just being in his presence, but hurts so bad when the truth of us not being together smacks me back into this harsh reality.
It hurts badly. Sometimes I wish I could erase my heart of him. He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't. Doesn't. He's broken my heart too many times, and above all, has made me feel so ashamed of myself for thinking so wonderfully of him. He has done some of the most ridiculous things I could think of, that have questioned my love for him. But he has this gravitational pull attached to me, and I would love him in spite of anything he decides to do. That's the truthful side of 'love,' where you accept and adore the person for all their faults.
And so I'm stuck. I could eliminate the fireworks entirely. I could ignore his calls, remove myself from his life, and try to move on to a new love. Delete his profile, email, phone number, and life from mine. He may not even blink if this happens, but I it may give me the time i need to finally grieve. Grieve the loss of him without being in the presence of him...
As I contemplate this, the thought of our intertwining legs comes to mind, and in spite of deliberating the pros and cons of him in my life, I am sure I would never be able to erase him. I am fully aware we may try to ignore each other, move on to other people, or fly off to the other side of the planet, but to think of our intertwining legs, or any thought of us, will always bring me back to him. It will always bring us back together. It is for that and other simple reasons why I love the man, and would be stupid to cut him out, seeing as he would somehow always be there. Love actually is all around.
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So that is the issue at hand, the one that my heart has been dealing with. Movies such as 'Love Actually' constantly trigger these thoughts.
Maybe outpouring via blog will help quell the emotions I have for him, as he wishes.
Enough. Enough now.
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