It's weird how fast time flies. Weird may not actually capture the feeling I have, but every time I go home something always seems to dramatically change. Laura's getting married on the 30th. Bonkers. I can't believe it. It makes sense and all, but 4 years ago we were just goof off friends without any major responsibilities such as a husband, or a baby in Heather's case. Its so amazing how fast things change. How in an instant you can go from being single to married to pregnant and all. Sometimes I feel behind on those life goals. Maybe its the woman in me, but I see them making homes and forever relationships, an part of me wishes I had taken that route. To be able to create comfort by building a family is so appealing to me now that I see their lives. Both Heather and Laura say that I am working on a life goal, my education, which I am proud of, but a degree won't keep me warm at night, calm me, or kiss me when I'm feeling upset (that would be odd if it could lol).
I had my chance at getting married and moving away. I had someone who would've wasted his life away to make me happy, and in a way he did. But my mind wasn't prepared to handle that responisibility, and although I loved him, I didn't love him enough to waste my life away to make him happy. I knew that wasn't fair for him, so I left. I let him go completely, eliminating the gatherings, the phone calls, and letters. I had a child-like mentality, and it wasn't set on him. I didn't value the sense of comfort as I do now.
I don't regret leaving him, but in the moments when I see Jonathan kiss Laura, or watch Heather rub her belly, I sometimes see my lost 19yr old self staring back at me.
But what a different life that would've been. I most likely would've have never met Laura, Heather, and countless others who I'd be lost without today. I don't regret leaving behind him or that possibility, because I am essentially happy with my life. There's just tiny instances that I wish I could have that companionship comfort now.
Maybe these longings to complete those life goals are also caused by my slight sense of lonliness. I'm grateful for everyone in my life, but there's this acute sense of lonliness that no one really seems to satisfy. I've figured it must be lonliness because depression would cause a consistent sense of discontent and unhappiness, but I can safely say I am happy with my life. I've been lonely for awhile now. There's moments when the thirst for companionship seems to be quenched, but it soon fades away. Its odd because at times my hands feel full with the comfort and companionship that he gives me, but that comfort gets taken away when reality sets in. I know I'm not allowed to believe in us, but I'm still hoping he would just stay.
But those thoughts are rediculous. Its stupid to believe in someone who doesn't want your faith. It just contributes to constant dissapointment, and an unbeliebable ache that never relieves.
In a dark and twisty way though, I'd rather ache because of him, than be relieved without him. Go figure.
I love Laura and I know she is going to have a happy life with Jonathan. I wish them the best of luck, and the joy of sharing life and love. I hope I can make it back down early on the 30th.
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