Boooo-----urns.

I can't begin to explain how tired I am.
I hate my job. I don't like using that word, but there is so much bullshit going on at ale house. I need to find a job that actually applies to my degree, now that I have one. Its just so tiring to be on my feet for 14 hrs straight each time I work a double. I worked a double today, I work one tomorrow, and I work Monday morning. Whatever... I have a lot to look forward to this week. Most likely I'll head back to South Fla. Monday evening after work. :D

30 Days Passed November

It's weird how fast time flies. Weird may not actually capture the feeling I have, but every time I go home something always seems to dramatically change. Laura's getting married on the 30th. Bonkers. I can't believe it. It makes sense and all, but 4 years ago we were just goof off friends without any major responsibilities such as a husband, or a baby in Heather's case. Its so amazing how fast things change. How in an instant you can go from being single to married to pregnant and all. Sometimes I feel behind on those life goals. Maybe its the woman in me, but I see them making homes and forever relationships, an part of me wishes I had taken that route. To be able to create comfort by building a family is so appealing to me now that I see their lives. Both Heather and Laura say that I am working on a life goal, my education, which I am proud of, but a degree won't keep me warm at night, calm me, or kiss me when I'm feeling upset (that would be odd if it could lol).
I had my chance at getting married and moving away. I had someone who would've wasted his life away to make me happy, and in a way he did. But my mind wasn't prepared to handle that responisibility, and although I loved him, I didn't love him enough to waste my life away to make him happy. I knew that wasn't fair for him, so I left. I let him go completely, eliminating the gatherings, the phone calls, and letters. I had a child-like mentality, and it wasn't set on him. I didn't value the sense of comfort as I do now.
I don't regret leaving him, but in the moments when I see Jonathan kiss Laura, or watch Heather rub her belly, I sometimes see my lost 19yr old self staring back at me.
But what a different life that would've been. I most likely would've have never met Laura, Heather, and countless others who I'd be lost without today. I don't regret leaving behind him or that possibility, because I am essentially happy with my life. There's just tiny instances that I wish I could have that companionship comfort now.
Maybe these longings to complete those life goals are also caused by my slight sense of lonliness. I'm grateful for everyone in my life, but there's this acute sense of lonliness that no one really seems to satisfy. I've figured it must be lonliness because depression would cause a consistent sense of discontent and unhappiness, but I can safely say I am happy with my life. I've been lonely for awhile now. There's moments when the thirst for companionship seems to be quenched, but it soon fades away. Its odd because at times my hands feel full with the comfort and companionship that he gives me, but that comfort gets taken away when reality sets in. I know I'm not allowed to believe in us, but I'm still hoping he would just stay.
But those thoughts are rediculous. Its stupid to believe in someone who doesn't want your faith. It just contributes to constant dissapointment, and an unbeliebable ache that never relieves.
In a dark and twisty way though, I'd rather ache because of him, than be relieved without him. Go figure.
I love Laura and I know she is going to have a happy life with Jonathan. I wish them the best of luck, and the joy of sharing life and love. I hope I can make it back down early on the 30th.

This is My Drnk Opost ( <--- yes i left in incvorrected. )

This is my drunk post....
Desi took me out to drink after work tonight for drinks and this is the result of 2 long islands and one pure tequila pomaganate drink chugged in 20 min. cause as soon as we got to fridays, we left cause she had to go see here mom. so now i'm here in my room, trying to focus on typing.
whoa very difficult.
here is a sentence i'm typing without any corrections - o jhad twp long islands to drink and we di only pay for 1 when ere wgot two to fgrink for free.
i keep trying to correct my typin, but its taking to long. i go home to miami tomorrow... and i have to wake up early before work to pack. ... not so happylol.... it looks like i said jihad before...

I Wonder How They Would Label My Character - Hopeless Katie?

When I created this blog, I felt inspired by the film, "Love Actually." I watched it last night, as I often do before every Christmas, and the film has triggered some emotions.

The film follows the many intricate love stories of a small group of interconnected people. This tiny sample of interconnected people provide a plethora of different love stories, some terribly sad, and some simply beautiful. What makes this film painfully true, is that I, and probably most of the world's population, have experienced at least 3 of the presented 'love' situations. I have been the lonely Billy Mack, the hopeful Colin, the cheated-upon Karen, and the heartbroken Mark to name a few.

(If YOU are reading this, feel free to look away, as I am sure you will not want to read the following passage)

Lately, I feel as though I have been getting the shit kicked out of me by love (okay last 'love actually' reference). Honestly... I've been feeling as if my heart has been continuously dragged through the streets and drowned in a deep blue ocean. And although I feel this way, there has been no real sudden attack that has plagued by heart to merit this kind of defeat.

But I find myself wishing I could forget all about 'love.' Where I wish this film couldn't trigger the many emotions tied to the thought of 'love.' I have no right to feel this way.

I think of him all the time. I relive each and every laugh, throw of passion, and blissful grip. I can bring myself to tears if I simply think of his legs intertwined with mine as we sleep (as it did now). What becomes so depressing, is lack of reciprocating feelings.

This is my defeat.

For some God-awful reason, I feel beyond passionately about someone who has willingly chosen to remove himself from the possibility of ever feeling love for me. And although I try to understand and respect his decision, and maintain/push a quasi-(non-existent really) relationship, I am often left feeling lonely and depressed. Its just, when we continue to maintain our 'mutual affiliation' (make YOU feel better?), I still see the fireworks. To me, these fireworks are loud and some of the brightest I have ever seen, and yet he can't seem to see them. It's hard to describe, because sometimes I sense it in him, where I see the mutual satisfaction of being together in his eyes, but ultimately know it can't be true. I know he wants to enjoy his freedom. It just boggles my mind that he seems incapable of feeling the burn... the aching feeling of bliss when we catch each other in those simple moments. And I catch myself in these moments often, where it feels so good just being in his presence, but hurts so bad when the truth of us not being together smacks me back into this harsh reality.

It hurts badly. Sometimes I wish I could erase my heart of him. He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't. Doesn't. He's broken my heart too many times, and above all, has made me feel so ashamed of myself for thinking so wonderfully of him. He has done some of the most ridiculous things I could think of, that have questioned my love for him. But he has this gravitational pull attached to me, and I would love him in spite of anything he decides to do. That's the truthful side of 'love,' where you accept and adore the person for all their faults.

And so I'm stuck. I could eliminate the fireworks entirely. I could ignore his calls, remove myself from his life, and try to move on to a new love. Delete his profile, email, phone number, and life from mine. He may not even blink if this happens, but I it may give me the time i need to finally grieve. Grieve the loss of him without being in the presence of him...

As I contemplate this, the thought of our intertwining legs comes to mind, and in spite of deliberating the pros and cons of him in my life, I am sure I would never be able to erase him. I am fully aware we may try to ignore each other, move on to other people, or fly off to the other side of the planet, but to think of our intertwining legs, or any thought of us, will always bring me back to him. It will always bring us back together. It is for that and other simple reasons why I love the man, and would be stupid to cut him out, seeing as he would somehow always be there. Love actually is all around.

__________________________________________________________________

So that is the issue at hand, the one that my heart has been dealing with. Movies such as 'Love Actually' constantly trigger these thoughts.
Maybe outpouring via blog will help quell the emotions I have for him, as he wishes.



Enough. Enough now.

"i-run Marathons"

I gave in. I've created a blog. Not too sure what the difference is between a blog and a journal. I'm going to assume there is no difference, seeing as I know how to write a journal entry, although I have a fear that I may begin to write for those that may read this, than for myself.

What if someone came up with a blog/journal idea that required everyone who was placing an entry had to leave every original typo and error in their entry? I've already made so many typing mistakes that I doubt anyone reading it could not have figured it out. God bless Mozilla for correcting all of my misspelled words (didn't realize there was 2 S's in misspelled prior to Mozilla correcting me). Random.

Another random idea. I went jogging earlier this evening, and I came up with a jogger safety equipment idea - For joggers who run in major marathons, one of the marathon rules bans ipods and other Mp3 players, due to most of the runners being unable to hear who/what's behind them. It can get quite dangerous out there. So I came up with an idea: what if Apple or whomever builds Mp3 players, specifically designed for marathon runners, which would set a built in volume control. The runner wouldn't be able to adjust the volume higher than a pre-set decibel, allowing marathon administrators the ability to allow at least that brand of Mp3 players. (We could call it something like 'i-run Marathons.' Cool idea eh?

Other things are on my mind, but don't seem to be appropriate for this blog post.... it seems to be a separate agenda. Not bad for a 1st blog post.