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I have met many strangers. I have dated many men. But when I met Ern, and yes I use 'met' loosely, my world was instantly shifted. Everything I thought I knew about love would eventually become forgotten, because with Ern I learned a whole new definition.
At first, it was amazing. I truly do believe we were instantly addicted to each other. Before we kissed, he had heartbreak while I had insincerity, but we managed to find fire. It was so mind-boggling to me how we started our relationship long-distance, but felt only inches apart. I breathed in every second of Ern I could get. Hours of phone conversations and weekends of passionate reunions had me in love. I dreamed beautiful dreams of us traveling to Japan, us laughing through our memories, us making love, and simply us sharing our days together. I had never been the relationship type of girl before Ern, but our kiss changed me. There were no other words to describe the care, attraction, and compassion I had eventually developed for Ern, besides 'love.'
But then we became difficult. I was frustrated, complicated, and eventually tired. He was quiet and withheld his thoughts within reason. There were so many people and issues surrounding us that we lost sight of what we cared about most... each other. This undeniable pressure from others consuming our relationship, grew into pure exhaustion. Although we had this passionate connection between us, which gave us the ability to communicate intellectually and physically, we couldn't handle the bullshit that was consuming us. I began to grapple with the idea of ending it, while he too felt the obligation of our relationship stressing him out. We caved in and after a short period of time, he ended our relationship.
I was devastated. Although I had grappled with the idea of us ending, it knocked my heart down when I knew I couldn't put our relationship back together.
I scrambled. I was so distraught that I bought a ticket to New York within a 4 days notice, just to get the hell away from the heartbreak. It was chaos. I wanted only to escape the loss of him. I was in a fury, crying anytime my mind wandered (which if you know me, that happens a lot). I was vulnerable, and although I wanted us to work, I almost couldn't handle the cards he dealt to me next.
Withholding all details, about 2 weeks after our break-up, more devastating news was brought to my attention. I seemed to have lost 2 best friends in one weekend. There are no words that could attempt to describe the depression that soon took hold of me. And to further add to my spiral, my grandfather passed away a few weeks after our break-up. No one seemed to be my companion. I drove myself insane. I started running 4 miles a day, discontinued eating, disconnected from friends, and focused solely on school... all in an attempt to mask the painful depression I was dealing with.
I truly thought Ern and I were done... for many reasons, but primarily I felt so dedicated to shutting him out of my life forever. Although I was struggling without him, I told myself to forget him. He had crushed me so deeply, that I thought there would never be a chance of me forgiving him, much less maintaining communication with him.
But somehow we did...
Somehow we began communicating again. It was hard, but that addiction crept it's way back into my life. Slowly I heard him out. He apologized, I listened, and we cried. His tears broke the anger I had inside, and I realized then that this was no ordinary love. We found again that fire. Physically we expressed our emotional devotion, that in spite of our past transgressions and continual question mark surrounding the nature of our relationship, we grew to love again. Words became irrelevant as our addictions to each other's thoughts, actions, and hearts brought us to a new level of care.
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The rest of the story breaks my heart. I can't really offer an explanation as to what happened between us because I only know (feel) one side of the story. I have yet to stop loving Ern. This love I have for him tears me apart, because I still struggle with trying to understand where he stands with his feelings for me.
Am I unable to see the reality of the situation? No. I know where his is, and where he stands, but something deep down really believes he is fully aware of his addiction to me.
We have never been just friends, and as unfortunate as it sounds, I highly doubt we could ever be just friends. And although the waves of fire seemed to have shown itself only in bits, the fire has never truly been extinguished. In spite of us spending time apart and us dating other people, we have always managed to come back together, rekindling much of the flame we swore we lost years ago.
I digress, to refer back to the initial quote I posted in this blog entry. Now what exactly does this mean? Like I've answered before, I am able to see the reality of the situation. I know that he is in a 'nice' relationship with someone else who I'm sure also makes him happy. But I ask, is there a fire remotely resembling the one he has for me? Is there an addiction to her mind, body, soul, intellect, humor, communication, devotion, love, or frustration? I understand passion has it's degrees, and all of these 'addictions' to a person's qualities vary from the daters and datees, but can he truly believe there will ever be a fire like ours. We meet thousands of people in a lifetime, but only meet one person. Why waste our energies and devotion on 'nice' people, when we could be diving in to an almost new kind of passion with each other...?
I know I am assuming a great deal, but there are moments in our lifetimes that define our existence. Instances that dynamically alter the rest of our lives. With that being said, I know that our kiss at the Hard Rock on that fateful November evening, forever altered our existence. It set the tone for the rest of Katie and Ern's existence, causing us to be unable to let go. We don't know how to escape the passion or break the addiction, because it was at that moment we instantly loved. I sometimes feel as if I wouldn't be able to escape Ern even if I really wanted to. At times, those instances become irreversible, not caring who's life they change.
Now, I don't say these things without understanding the repercussions of what these feelings entail. This kind of passion between us doesn't come without the frustration and work needed in order to maintain it, which is where we have previously faltered. It would take major effort in order to stabilize even the idea of a relationship between us two. I am also able to see how this might be seen as impulsive, weak, presumptuous, etc... I know. But I can't seem to think of any reason as to why Ern and I have maintained "our kind of madness," whether intentional or not.
Maybe I'm in denial. Resistant to the idea of Ern just being over me. But there are moments now when I feel his heart slip back to me. Where I see his eyes capture me once again. Feelings within our conversations that become almost impossible to suppress. Again, I find myself craving our conversations, wishing to touch his lips, and longing to embrace his body.
Do I know what this all means? No. Do I know how Ern and I will end up? No. But its these kinds of thoughts that take my heart back to a place where I only knew how to believe in us. And yes, sometimes these thoughts intimidate me. I get nervous not only thinking that if we were to try again we might fail, but also thinking about if we were to try again, we might succeed, which at times, can be even more nerve-racking.
But in spite of my nerves, I know where my heart lies. I know what I feel, and how I wish to express it. I want nothing more than to try again. To build us slowly, enjoying any moment we can get. Although we've had our faults, I believe our instantaneous passion still lies within us, begging to be set free. We have evolved, we have learned, and we have loved.
So I push on. I take a stance, and fight for the one I knew I loved years ago, and for the one I know I love now.
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"I have met thousands of people, and I have met only one Ern."
http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2329347609/ (in case you're wondering where the initial quote came from).
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