I think I'm going to stay...
I wonder where I am in my relationship to you.
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I was talking with this girl today at work. Her name is Tina and she's been my co-worker since I first started working at Ale House. She has a little boy named Toby, and when I first met her, I think she had been stuck in an abusive relationship with her child's father (I wasn't sure, just based on what I had noticed). One day she showed up with bruises and in turn finally put her foot down and left the guy who beat her.
A few months later, She met a guy at a playground who had a little girl around the same age as Toby. According to her he was brilliant. He treated her like a queen, and luckily had a daughter who got along well with her son. He became a bright light in her bleak sky, and proved to be even more amazing as time wore on.
Two weeks ago he broke up with her. Apparently he offered her no explanation, just left. Completely disconnected from her. Deleted her from his Facebook, ignored her calls, left her no answer to her many questions. This guy who, again according to all the stories she's told me before, was an amazing guy, just disappeared.
When she told me this today, it really got to me. Of course she told me in the beginning of our shift, so it ruined the rest of my work day (although only making $11 today also sucked). But I couldn't define why exactly in effected (affected?) me the way it did. I know for obvious reasons it could be because it made me reminisce about Ern, but it wasn't just that.
It bothered me how instantaneous people just disappear out of your life. She used to tell me about the plans they would make about marriage, etc... and out of nowhere those plans get deleted. Its hard because any future you think you envision basically becomes a reality. And I think I might have mentioned this before, but it becomes sequential, where your envisioned future becomes your present, making it impossible to not feel tortured when your present becomes incomplete. Your mind and heart almost becomes stuck between the two walls of present and future, and you can't see beyond that constraint. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I think that is where we find the struggle. Where forgetting the possible becomes impossible... it becomes so linked to the reality of "today."
Going off on a farther random tangent: I think this is were time becomes irrelevant. If you are unaware of my disbelief in time, then now you know. Your mind has no understanding of what was, what is, and what could have been, because the power within our hearts surpasses our ability to mentally construct time, linking all three categories of passion and feeling together. Erasing the lines that could have essentially separated the three time frames of relationship actions, unable to separate the reality from the possibility. Just my philosophy.
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I really should be getting back to my paper if I ever want to know what sleep feels like. This procrastination drains me. You would think I would learn by now.
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