Not even 24 hours later.
It happens.
------
I know I sound like the devil when I say this, but I hate Christmas. I can't stand holiday music or the obsessive amount of time people spend shopping in malls. Regardless of the time of year, people are still assholes and families still fight. I wish people were more respectful of other who don't happen to like the Christmas season. Granted, my feelings are highly do to my poverty level and clusterfuck of a family, but I think my sentiments have more to do with the 'fakeness' associated with the holiday. I find that people pretend most when its the Christmas season. Majority of the people who celebrate the holiday don't even believe in Jesus... seems ironic/fake. I completely understand how bitter I sound, I just can't be happy this time of year.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
And He Replied Yes
What do you do when you find out your ex, who you had dated on and off for maybe two years/been in an abnormal 'friendship' with for the last year, actually loved you? I don't think I can best explain our situation for those of you who have no idea who Ern is, but needless to say, I had NEVER heard him mumble those words, or anything remotely like them before. I asked him tonight if he ever loved me, and he replied yes.
To give further detail into this conversation, Ern and I had met up last night to catch up on our current life happenings. Recently, these 'catch ups' usually result in either of us in tears. His current relationship status isn't as fulfilling as he wishes it to be, and although I am happy in my situation, I still find difficulty in shaking off Ern. Point is, last night he had to conceal our 'catch up' meeting to his girlfriend, leaving our time short and fleeting. As we were getting into the nitty gritty of our predicament, he had to leave....again.
His fleeing the scene of our crime cause an uproar of emotions for me. At first I was very upset, pissed that I only had 30 minutes with Ern. My next emotion was anger, anger at this whore of a girl who believes herself to be his next best wonder. My last and current emotion is that of exhaustion. I was sick of constantly being walked away from.
So tonight I called him to announce my final decision... to discontinue all forms of contact with him. I would do this in order to withhold jeopardizing his relationship with his girlfriend, and my current interest in CG. Ern has been my rock when shit would hit the fan, and I would be his rock when things just didn't seem right. This would also allow me to not have to suffer the good-byes anymore. Anytime Ern has ever walked away from me, I've been left in shambles. I don't think he could ever understand the pain of watching him turn his back on me. I've experienced this so many times, so I wanted to tell him I'm done, for good.
Instead, we got into this huge exchange of emotions, where tears were shed on both sides. I told him that in order to understand what I have been going through, he's going to have to watch me walk away... or as he puts it, break up with him. In the final midst of all these exchanges, I then asked if he ever loved me.
Not always the best idea.
When he said yes, I was in shock. But this shocked feeling wasn't necessarily good. I always thought that when Ern said 'I love you,' or something like it, I would suddenly be graced with an infinite amount of happiness. The thing is, that didn't happen at all. Instead, I felt sad. I felt like such a waste of time. I almost felt like this was the biggest crock of shit I had ever heard, because while he's mentioning some kind of love for me, he is still in a relationship with that girl. I just don't understand why you would be with someone, when you know exactly how you feel about someone else. If anything, when he said yes, he confused the hell out of me.
I'm not angry with his words and I'm not exactly frustrated with his stance, but some part of me just isn't happy with this information. Yes because of everything I mentioned above, but also because it all felt forced. I think he realized he was loosing me, thus prompting him to mention his love for me. For the last three years I have been waiting for that simple truth, and now I'm not sure exactly what I feel.
In spite of these new revelations, my decision remains firm. I am disconnecting completely from Ern. No longer will he be able to contact me and keep up with my happenings through here, Facebook, etc... I want to remain distant in order to allow for my growth, as well as potential understanding on his part. Do I have hope or wishes for a future between us? Not entirely. But if ever we were to ever find ourselves at a common crossroad in the future, I would then hope for him to appreciate the present, and to love me simply because he loves me.
To give further detail into this conversation, Ern and I had met up last night to catch up on our current life happenings. Recently, these 'catch ups' usually result in either of us in tears. His current relationship status isn't as fulfilling as he wishes it to be, and although I am happy in my situation, I still find difficulty in shaking off Ern. Point is, last night he had to conceal our 'catch up' meeting to his girlfriend, leaving our time short and fleeting. As we were getting into the nitty gritty of our predicament, he had to leave....again.
His fleeing the scene of our crime cause an uproar of emotions for me. At first I was very upset, pissed that I only had 30 minutes with Ern. My next emotion was anger, anger at this whore of a girl who believes herself to be his next best wonder. My last and current emotion is that of exhaustion. I was sick of constantly being walked away from.
So tonight I called him to announce my final decision... to discontinue all forms of contact with him. I would do this in order to withhold jeopardizing his relationship with his girlfriend, and my current interest in CG. Ern has been my rock when shit would hit the fan, and I would be his rock when things just didn't seem right. This would also allow me to not have to suffer the good-byes anymore. Anytime Ern has ever walked away from me, I've been left in shambles. I don't think he could ever understand the pain of watching him turn his back on me. I've experienced this so many times, so I wanted to tell him I'm done, for good.
Instead, we got into this huge exchange of emotions, where tears were shed on both sides. I told him that in order to understand what I have been going through, he's going to have to watch me walk away... or as he puts it, break up with him. In the final midst of all these exchanges, I then asked if he ever loved me.
Not always the best idea.
When he said yes, I was in shock. But this shocked feeling wasn't necessarily good. I always thought that when Ern said 'I love you,' or something like it, I would suddenly be graced with an infinite amount of happiness. The thing is, that didn't happen at all. Instead, I felt sad. I felt like such a waste of time. I almost felt like this was the biggest crock of shit I had ever heard, because while he's mentioning some kind of love for me, he is still in a relationship with that girl. I just don't understand why you would be with someone, when you know exactly how you feel about someone else. If anything, when he said yes, he confused the hell out of me.
I'm not angry with his words and I'm not exactly frustrated with his stance, but some part of me just isn't happy with this information. Yes because of everything I mentioned above, but also because it all felt forced. I think he realized he was loosing me, thus prompting him to mention his love for me. For the last three years I have been waiting for that simple truth, and now I'm not sure exactly what I feel.
In spite of these new revelations, my decision remains firm. I am disconnecting completely from Ern. No longer will he be able to contact me and keep up with my happenings through here, Facebook, etc... I want to remain distant in order to allow for my growth, as well as potential understanding on his part. Do I have hope or wishes for a future between us? Not entirely. But if ever we were to ever find ourselves at a common crossroad in the future, I would then hope for him to appreciate the present, and to love me simply because he loves me.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Fuck California
Okay, fuck the days thing. I hate being restricted, and I really did not want to continue on with the blog day thing.
I'm upset. CG called me tonight when he was on his way to one of his friend's houses, but I was at Cindy's for her son's birthday party. Thus, we were only able to talk for about 10 minutes. He and I also couldn't talk last night because Ashley stayed over my house.
What got me upset tonight was something he said to me while we briefly talked. He said that he feels 'disconnected' from me because we haven't talked in a couple of days. Normally we talk for an hour or two a night, so I can understand why he feels that way. I'm more upset about our situation.
It just reminds me of how difficult this might actually become, and how shitty it is to live 2500 miles away from the one person you would most like to be with. I hate the distance. I hate that we don't have the opportunity to evolve as a normal couple. I can't enjoy dinner with him, meet his friends, kiss him good morning as often as we would wish. We're so limited.
I'm upset. CG called me tonight when he was on his way to one of his friend's houses, but I was at Cindy's for her son's birthday party. Thus, we were only able to talk for about 10 minutes. He and I also couldn't talk last night because Ashley stayed over my house.
What got me upset tonight was something he said to me while we briefly talked. He said that he feels 'disconnected' from me because we haven't talked in a couple of days. Normally we talk for an hour or two a night, so I can understand why he feels that way. I'm more upset about our situation.
It just reminds me of how difficult this might actually become, and how shitty it is to live 2500 miles away from the one person you would most like to be with. I hate the distance. I hate that we don't have the opportunity to evolve as a normal couple. I can't enjoy dinner with him, meet his friends, kiss him good morning as often as we would wish. We're so limited.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Day 3
Day 3 - Your Parents
Okay, so whoever designed this clearly didn't think about the complications tied to who you consider your parents to be, especially coming from a divorced household. Thus, I will slightly change this to specifically write to my mom.
Momma,
My greatest fear is loosing you. Often times I get struck with the worst kind of anxiety thinking you might be in danger. Last year when I received a phone call informing me that you had been shot, I nearly died of a heart attack. I literally collapsed. Every ounce of fear, every imagined thought of loosing you, couldn't prepare me for the news I received that night. Chills still run through me remembering. I know many people worry about their parents' health and safety, but when I personally loose myself in the thought of somehow living without you, my heart drops and my lungs tighten. I don't think it is possible to live without you. In spite of the distance between me and you, you are indescribably close to me.
My only wish is to make you happy and proud to have sacrificed so much for me and Billy. I love you. Always and forever.
- Roach
Okay, so whoever designed this clearly didn't think about the complications tied to who you consider your parents to be, especially coming from a divorced household. Thus, I will slightly change this to specifically write to my mom.
Momma,
My greatest fear is loosing you. Often times I get struck with the worst kind of anxiety thinking you might be in danger. Last year when I received a phone call informing me that you had been shot, I nearly died of a heart attack. I literally collapsed. Every ounce of fear, every imagined thought of loosing you, couldn't prepare me for the news I received that night. Chills still run through me remembering. I know many people worry about their parents' health and safety, but when I personally loose myself in the thought of somehow living without you, my heart drops and my lungs tighten. I don't think it is possible to live without you. In spite of the distance between me and you, you are indescribably close to me.
My only wish is to make you happy and proud to have sacrificed so much for me and Billy. I love you. Always and forever.
- Roach
Day 2
In spite of the major fuck up I did today, I figured I would just ignore it and indulge in my insomnia a bit longer.
Day 2 - My Crush
(this might end up being all over the place)
CG,
I know technically we are beyond the stage of 'crush', but you're the only person I'm fully attracted to and who I would want to be with. You have become one of my most recent highlights even with all the stress taking place in my life. I find myself thinking of you for the majority of the day and wishing to be with you a majority of the night. It was amazing to see you this weekend. Funny thing, I was really nervous picking you up from the airport. I wasn't sure if you had remembered what I looked like and if you would still find me as attractive as when we first re-met. I also get nervous when people watch me drive, so that didn't help calm my nerves driving you home. Although I was nervous at first, you proved to be everything I had anticipated... and more.
I looked into your eyes and I knew. Instantly our lips matched. All awkwardness faded away. I was the first person to notice your brown speck in your green left eye. You make me laugh. You make me care. You make me wonder. I especially enjoy all your nerdy glory... from Stargate to every online computer game you play.
Truth be told... although I maintained pretty strong demeanor while dropping you off at the airport yesterday morning, I literally bawled on the drive back home. I could look at my phone and see your name without feeling a pang of missing you. I wanted to wake up in your arms again, kiss you in the rain again, feel your smile press against mine. My heart felt so empty without you there.
I worry sometimes about this longing for you. If we decide to move forward with our relationship, I sometimes wonder if I can handle all these goodbyes. They will mark our relationship, and probably cause the greatest amount of continual sadness. In spite of all this worry, I truly believe we can make it. I can see us working out and making plans between us. I hope we can give it a legitimately exclusive chance at being in a relationship. I only want to be yours.
I miss you, and I'm happy that in the midst of our distance, I can still imaginatively feel you here. I can't wait to see in in 2 1/2 weeks. California has never felt so good. "BBbbbbbbyyyyyyeee....."
- #1 Kacomforter Katie
Day 2 - My Crush
(this might end up being all over the place)
CG,
I know technically we are beyond the stage of 'crush', but you're the only person I'm fully attracted to and who I would want to be with. You have become one of my most recent highlights even with all the stress taking place in my life. I find myself thinking of you for the majority of the day and wishing to be with you a majority of the night. It was amazing to see you this weekend. Funny thing, I was really nervous picking you up from the airport. I wasn't sure if you had remembered what I looked like and if you would still find me as attractive as when we first re-met. I also get nervous when people watch me drive, so that didn't help calm my nerves driving you home. Although I was nervous at first, you proved to be everything I had anticipated... and more.
I looked into your eyes and I knew. Instantly our lips matched. All awkwardness faded away. I was the first person to notice your brown speck in your green left eye. You make me laugh. You make me care. You make me wonder. I especially enjoy all your nerdy glory... from Stargate to every online computer game you play.
Truth be told... although I maintained pretty strong demeanor while dropping you off at the airport yesterday morning, I literally bawled on the drive back home. I could look at my phone and see your name without feeling a pang of missing you. I wanted to wake up in your arms again, kiss you in the rain again, feel your smile press against mine. My heart felt so empty without you there.
I worry sometimes about this longing for you. If we decide to move forward with our relationship, I sometimes wonder if I can handle all these goodbyes. They will mark our relationship, and probably cause the greatest amount of continual sadness. In spite of all this worry, I truly believe we can make it. I can see us working out and making plans between us. I hope we can give it a legitimately exclusive chance at being in a relationship. I only want to be yours.
I miss you, and I'm happy that in the midst of our distance, I can still imaginatively feel you here. I can't wait to see in in 2 1/2 weeks. California has never felt so good. "BBbbbbbbyyyyyyeee....."
- #1 Kacomforter Katie
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Day 1
Lauren,
You have been more of a best friend to me than I could have ever asked for. From Ern and my parents getting shot, to graduating and grad school, you have supported me in every difficulty and adventure I've gone on. I appreciate your advice and love, and I hope you know I respect you and am proud of you for every accomplishment you have ever achieved. THANK YOU for everything you have done for me. I know it can be difficult and frustrating to be a best friend to me, but I hope you know that I will always be there for you. You are the only person I want to spend 14+ hours in a car ride to North Carolina with. I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Katie
30 Day Challenge
So I stole this from a random blog I came across. It sounds interesting... so we'll see if I can keep up with it. I'll most likely end up spacing out the days... sue to time/internet constraints, but it should still prove to be fun. So the idea is that you're supposed to write a letter to each of these people on the specific day.
day 1 — your best friend
day 2 — your crush
day 3 — your parents
day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)
day 5 — your dreams
day 6 — a stranger
day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
day 8 — your favorite internet friend
day 9 — someone you wish you could meet
day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you
day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from
day 15 — the person you miss the most
day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
day 17 — someone from your childhood
day 18 — the person that you wish you could be
day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression
day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to
day 23 — the last person you kissed
day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to
day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 28 — someone that changed your life
day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
day 30 — your reflection in the mirror
day 1 — your best friend
day 2 — your crush
day 3 — your parents
day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)
day 5 — your dreams
day 6 — a stranger
day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
day 8 — your favorite internet friend
day 9 — someone you wish you could meet
day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you
day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from
day 15 — the person you miss the most
day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
day 17 — someone from your childhood
day 18 — the person that you wish you could be
day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression
day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to
day 23 — the last person you kissed
day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to
day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 28 — someone that changed your life
day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
day 30 — your reflection in the mirror
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